Class Feature
15 episodes
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Creator: Class Feature
Full cast Fantasy Oneshots Audio RPG
Synopsis:
An Actual Play podcast with adventures inspired by Slavic Folklore. Featuring a different TTRPG system for every new tale told
Format: Audio RPG
RPG system: Dungeons & Dragons
Continuity: Oneshots
Writing: Improvised
Voices: Full cast
Genres: Fantasy
Completion status: Not applicable
Not tagged: [Maturity] [Creator demographics] [Character demographics] [Country of origin] [Transcript] [Content warnings]
Click here to update these tags.
Episodes:
A Rose Amongst the Blades - Episode 1: A Little Black Book
Fri, 26 Apr 2024 17:44:00 +0000
Our Coterie are handed their first set of dossiers and embark on their first mission! They choose brute force to keep the Lovell family secrets safe but are they able to take on those that wish for their houses downfall? Find out on this daring episode of A Rose Amongst the Blades!
CW: drugs, guns, violence
Gunner Gunn (They/Them): GM
Hannah (They/She): Ludmilla aka The Whip
Callie (She/Her): Mira aka The Tragedian
Spencer (He/Him): Virin aka The Proscenia
Follow us at twitter.com/class_feature
Music in order of appearance
Dvorak Slavonic Dance Op 72 No. 2
Antonín Dvořák, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons
https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Dvorak_Slavonic_Dance_Op_72,_No._2.wav
Chopin Nocturne Op 55 No 1 abridged
Frédéric Chopin, CC BY-SA 4.0
https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Chopin_Nocturne_Op_55_No_1_abridged.flac
Albinoni Concerto for Oboe and Strings No 2 in D Minor Op 9. I Allegro e con Presto
Tomaso Albinoni, CC0, via la Wikimedia Commons
Tumbalalaika - Jewish Melodies of the Old County
Jewish Melodies Of The Old County by Emil Decameron And His Orchestra (1966) via Internet Archive
https://archive.org/details/lp_jewish-melodies-of-the-old-county_emil-decameron-and-his-orchestra
Czardas by Vittorio Monti
Composition: Vittorio Monti (1868–1922)Arrangement: Master Sergeant Charles GranofskyPerformance: United States Air Force Band, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons
https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:USAFB_Czardas.ogg
Fast by Lloyd Rogers
Lloyd Rodgers, CC0, via Wikimedia Commons
https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Lloyd_Rodgers_-_01_-_1_-_Fast.ogg
Camille Saint-Sains Introduction et Rondo Capriccioso Op. 28
Camille Saint-Saëns, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons
A Rose Amongst the Blades - Episode 0: Meet me In Morevna
Wed, 31 Jan 2024 14:08:00 +0000
The Class Feature Cast is finally back and eager to jump in to our newest Court of Blades Campaign!
In this episode we talking system, setting, and set up our coterie for one of the Major Houses of the Noble Court of Morevna.
Cast:
Gunner (They/Them)
Hannah (She/They)
Callie (She/Her)
Spencer (He/Him)
Opening Theme:
Antonín Dvořák, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons
https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/7/75/Dvorak_Slavonic_Dance_Op_72%2C_No._2.wav
Wed, 02 Nov 2022 17:15:00 +0000
The Cast of Class Feature sit down to celebrate the finale of their inaugural adventure, and reflect on the experience.
cw: mentions of sexism, racism, and antisemitism
The Cast:
Gunner Gunn (they/them)
Hannah (they/her)
Callie (she/her)
Spencer (he/him)
Fighter: Episode 7 - The Fate of our Fighters (Finale)
Mon, 10 Oct 2022 05:00:00 +0000
Will Our Folk Heroes survive an encounter with a Dragon or will it be winter forever? Find out this episode as we conclude our All Fighter Adventure
cw: abuse, attempted human sacrifice, description of death, violence, mentions of child endangerment
18:30-19:13 cw: abuse
30:45-33:24 cw: attempted human sacrifice
1:15:05-1:17:30 cw: description of death
The Crew:
Gunner Gunn (They/Them) as The Dungeon Master
Hannah (She/They) as Pip Squeak (She/Her)
Spencer (He/Him) as Kin-of-Moss (He/It)
Callie (She/Her) as Odette (She/Her)
Music Includes:
"Ravinova" by Gunner Gunn
"Fields of Gold" by Gunner Gunn
"Unwelcome Winter" by Gunner Gunn
"The Temple Watches" by Gunner Gunn
"Alpine Attack" by Gunner Gunn
"Moody Mischief" by Gunner Gunn
"Pip Squeak" by Gunner Gunn
"Pip Squeak (Reprise)" by Gunner Gunn
Fighter: Episode 6 - Temple Thyme
Mon, 19 Sep 2022 05:00:43 +0000
This episode our heroes enter the temple and encounter some of it's inhabitants, but will their sneaky search garner greatness or will the secrets revealed give them more questions than answers?
CW: Violence, minor horror imagery
The Crew:
Gunner Gunn (They/Them) as The Dungeon Master
Hannah (She/They) as Pip Squeak (She/Her)
Spencer (He/Him) as Kin-of-Moss (He/It)
Callie (She/Her) as Odette (She/Her)
Music Includes:
"Ravinova" by Gunner Gunn
"Odette" by Gunner Gunn
"Alpine Attack" by Gunner Gunn
"Unwelcome Winter" by Gunner Gunn
"Hector the Spectre" by Gunner Gunn
"The Temple Watches" by Gunner Gunn
"Fields of Gold" by Gunner Gunn
Fighter: Episode 5 - Which Witch is Which?
Mon, 29 Aug 2022 05:00:03 +0000
Our Folk Heroes attempt to make it through another night exposed to the harsh elements and while looking for secret passages into the temple they are confronted by a wicked foe and their own morality! If they survive the fight will they ever really be able to live with themselves?
CW: Drug Mention, Violence, Mind Control
The Crew:
Gunner Gunn (They/Them) as The Dungeon Master
Hannah (She/They) as Pip Squeak (She/Her)
Spencer (He/Him) as Kin-of-Moss (He/It)
Callie (She/Her) as Odette (She/Her)
Music Includes:
"Ravinova" by Gunner Gunn
"Alpine Attack" by Gunner Gunn
Fighter: Episode 3 - Give me the Beef Boy!
Thu, 18 Aug 2022 17:54:56 +0000
GUNNER
Alright, yay, we’re back. It’s us! Class Feature!
SPENCER
Hi!
GUNNER
Remember us? We’re here.
HANNAH
We’re here!
SPENCER
I never left!
GUNNER
This is... I don’t know. I was like... pressed record
and then was like, "Wait, we do intros". I was about
to just like go into reading the description of what
happened last time.
HANNAH
You could have... Bailed into a greeting.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
I could have... But instead, I was like: ah! Oh! Hello!
I didn’t see you there. hey, listen to a greeting
HANNAH
You were like I’m barrel rolling out of this car.
GUNNER
Anyway, hi. Welcome to class feature the show in which
we feature each class of Dungeons and Dragons with
adventures in Slavic folklore. We’re continuing the
adventure of our fighters. So let’s all introduce
ourselves and the fighters we will be playing. I’m
Gunner Gunn, they/them, the DM and I will be playing
every character that the rest of these characters
fight.
HANNAH
I’m Hannah. She/they and I’ll be playing Pip Squeak the
Cavalier fighter and her pronouns are
she/her. Spencer, would you like to...
SPENCER
Yes, hi. It’s me, Spencer, also playing Kin-of-Moss, a
Firbolg fighter, and the both of us are excited to be
here. And also use he/him thank you for your time.
CALLIE
Hello, I’m Callie. I play Odette who is a goblin Arcane
Archer. And both of us use she/her pronouns.
GUNNER
(Laughing)
Excellent.
HANNAH
Why did you laugh?
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
I don’t know. Just both of us... I don’t know just
like identifying as two people. Fun.
HANNAH
Mm nice.
GUNNER
CALLIE AND HANNAH
Fun-e.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
(SIGHS)
This might be a weird one.
SOUND: TENSE ACCORDIAN MUSIC
GUNNER
Last time, our heroes survived a rather brief encounter
with a white dragon. The self proclaimed queen of
winter. After a pompous speech, the dragon flew away
with the two nefarious travelers the promise that they
would meet their runaway bride. The Adamans called for
a town meeting seeking volunteers to fight the dragon
and end this endless winter. Only our three heroes were
brave enough to take on the task of climbing the
mountain and facing the dragon, hopeful that peaceful
negotiations are in their future. The Admamans revealed
to the party there once was a secret dragon cult, now
long lost to history, whose temple resides far atop the
mountain. Each Adaman gave our heroes a parting gift
and varying degrees of a heartfelt goodbye. With magic
items and a hard boiled egg in hand, the party set off
on their journey through the edges of the Temny forest
and up mountain peak. Some mischievous spirit decided
to distract our heroes from the task at hand. But after
being satiated with a good egg, and a hearty joke or
two, the group was able to finally trek past treeline
and are now making camp as the sun sets over the
mountain top.
SOUND: MUSIC ENDS
GUNNER
Alright, here we are. We’re getting ready. You guys are
setting up the camp in the forest, so you’re still
blocked by the...
HANNAH
Yeah, we got that shelter...
GUNNER
Safe from the weather. Yeah, a bit it safe from the
weather?
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Quick question: can you two see in the dark?
PIP (HANNAH)
I don’t believe so.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I think I can.
HANNAH
Wait, actually, I kind of feel like as an Owlin, I
might have like some...
SPENCER
No.
HANNAH
insane amount... No?
SPENCER
I can’t.
HANNAH
I think I have...
CALLIE
120 Feet of darkvision!
HANNAH
Yeah, I have a dumb amount of darkvision.
GUNNER
Dang.
SPENCER
Cause you’re an owl.
HANNAH
Yeah.
GUNNER
Nice!
HANNAH
Yeah, I’m not a regular bird. I’m built different.
GUNNER
So for setting up camp for the night, what I was
thinking of doing was instead of you all making
survival checks, because not all of you are going to be
proficient in survival. You guys are fighters. So what
I’m going to do is you will give me the type of ability
check you would like to do.
HANNAH
Okay.
GUNNER
And describe how that ability would help you make camp
for the night to keep it safe, warm, and cozy.
HANNAH
I am very good at survival. Do I still have to describe
it? Just using survival?
GUNNER
Yeah, yeah. Yes. It’s for fun little narrative thing
going on here.
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
We’re building a story. You have to contribute.
GUNNER
Yeah, so what it will be is if you get three successes,
you guys have a peaceful night and nothing happens and
you’re nice and revitalized for the morning. If you
make three failures, you automatically wake up with one
level of exhaustion due to poor sleep.
HANNAH
Mm wretched.
GUNNER
And the DC will be 15.
CALLIE
What’s the mid level between those two?
GUNNER
There’s...
CALLIE
We just don’t know.
GUNNER
It... There’s none. It’s best of five, baby!
HANNAH
Ooh, it’s all or nothing.
CALLIE
Oh, it’s just best of five.
GUNNER
It’s best of five.
CALLIE
So does that mean some of us make two checks?
GUNNER
Yeah.
HANNAH
Is this just by splitting up the watch overnight? Or,
like you said, just actions that we’re doing?
GUNNER
Just actions. If it’s like, "oh, I want to keep an eye
for four hours of the night". You can do that?
HANNAH
Yeah. Okay.
GUNNER
And so that would be a perception check.
SPENCER
Nice
HANNAH
Right.
GUNNER
Or if you’re like, "oh, I want to set traps around". It
could be like a survival check. Or like maybe a sleight
of hand to like, hide some rope traps you did?
CALLIE
I’ll do that!
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
Wow, Callie!
CALLIE
Desperately trying to figure out how I can turn like
stealth and deception into...
HANNAH
Yeah, your abilities...
CALLIE
Into staying nice and cozy.
HANNAH
Enact from classic guerrilla warfare strategies.
LAUGHTER
SPENCER
Callie’s putting like Punji sticks everywhere.
CALLIE
I’m doing the Peeta in The Hunger Games like
camouflage...
HANNAH
Oh my god.
LAUGHTER
SPENCER
That can be a performance check.
GUNNER
Yeah.
CALLIE
I mean, I am proficient and do have a disguise kit.
GUNNER
If you want to hide like moss, I don’t know how that
would help you in the elements.
CALLIE
Maybe I’ll do the thing where... you know when Frodo
and Sam pretend to be a rock?
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
Are you like disguising the tent as a giant rock?
HANNAH
I feel like that means...
CALLIE
Try and... Try and disguise the tent as a boulder.
HANNAH
Ooh, nice. Yeah, like that effectively helps you.
GUNNER
Okay, so you’re going to be using your Disguise Kit
as...
CALLIE
I have no idea.
GUNNER
Okay. How does the disguise kit work?
SPENCER
A Disguise Kit is a bunch of different pigments.
CALLIE
It’s like face paints and costumes right?
SPENCER
Face paints, costumes, maybe like a wig or something?
CALLIE
So yeah, some props.
GUNNER
Alright. So you could paint this tent into a
beautiful...
HANNAH
Get some camo on it.
CALLIE
I could do the traps thing where you...
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
You could do whatever. You could do both.
CALLIE
I could do both?
GUNNER
Because you need five checks. You’re doing the...
CALLIE
Are those both dexterity checks then?
GUNNER
I’ll say the painting can be if you’re proficient in
performance.
CALLIE
I’m not proficient in performance, but I’ll still do
that.
GUNNER
Or deception. You can do deception.
CALLIE
Ooh, I can do that. Okay.
GUNNER
Yeah. Because you are deceiving.
CALLIE
Deceiving nature.
LAUGHTER
CALLIE
Deceiving god.
GUNNER
Art is simply hand-eye coordination and deception.
LAUGHTER
CALLIE
Okay, that was ummmm 25.
GUNNER
You masterfully paint this... somehow based on your
forced perspective of painting this canvas tent into
this gray snowy rock. It looks like a rounded rock when
you’re in a triangular tent. You did a very masterful
job of making this look like a rock. Any other takers?
HANNAH
I don’t know, it sounded like Spencer wanted to do
something, but I can do something as well.
SPENCER
Go for it. Yeah!
HANNAH
I figured that... I figured I would just use that...
that I am an owl. And just sort of like pop up like
into the trees a little bit to get like a little bit of
like a vantage point on our clearing area. And at
regular intervals be like swiveling my head around.
GUNNER
Excellent.
HANNAH
Keep an eye out for... Four hours... Of wakeful...
GUNNER
You’re keeping the dream... Four hours.
I’ll assume like you’re doing four hours and then Mimi
does four hours.
HANNAH
Aw Mimi.
GUNNER
I mean, if you want Mimi to make checks, she could.
HANNAH
Oh. No, I don’t. I want Mimi to be safe next to the
rock tent.
GUNNER
Mimi starts climbing the tent mistaking it for the
rock.
HANNAH
She’s grazing. She’s making it look natural. No!
LAUGHTER
PIP (HANNAH)
Mimi, that’s not a rock!
MIMI (GUNNER)
Aah.
GUNNER
Just (collapsing sound effect) Kakoonk konk koonk.
PIP (HANNAH)
Mimi, No! Someone’s asleep in there!
MIMI (GUNNER)
Meh!
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
The tent folds a bit and she runs off scared.
PIP (HANNAH)
I have to go look for Mimi. I’m sorry. I can’t do this
perception check.
GUNNER
She comes back. She didn’t get that spooked. She liked
tries to brush it off like she didn’t get scared.
HANNAH
Right. Yeah. She’s like, "I’m cool." She climbs like
the rock next to it. It’s like "this is what I meant to
do."
CALLIE
Is this like the goat equivalent of thinking there’s
another step and then there wasn’t?
GUNNER
Yeah.
HANNAH
Aw.
GUNNER
So roll your perception.
HANNAH
Will do. That’s a 10. A low roll.
GUNNER
- So we have one failure and one success.
HANNAH
I got distracted by Mimi’s antics.
SPENCER
This entire debacle has reignited Kin-of-Moss’ distrust
and disdain of goats.
GUNNER
What? That was cute. It was a cute little thing that
happened, Spencer!
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
I’m not even yelling at Kin-of-Moss.
SPENCER
Exhaustion from the elements is nothing to laugh at
Gunner.
GUNNER
I’m not there right now.
SPENCER
Neither, am I, Spencer.
LAUGHTER
SPENCER
So for Kin-of-Moss’ thing, what he’s going to do is
he’s going to take out ash, a bit of chalk, and a
little whittling knife, and is just going to mark out
runes and make small offerings and write little chalk
prayers on different parts of the camp. Try to appease
the spirits that would do us harm and try to gain favor
from those who wouldn’t and I’m gonna do a religion
check.
GUNNER
Yeah.
HANNAH
Oh my god.
SPENCER
That didn’t... that didn’t go well.
GUNNER
Oh no.
HANNAH
Mm. You said if there were two failures, and then it
cursed us.
GUNNER
You might not need to do five whole checks.
SPENCER
That’s a 3 total.
GUNNER
How did... What did you get?
HANNAH
You rolled a 1.
SPENCER
I rolled a 1.
GUNNER
Oh no.
SPENCER
Well, I have a +2 to religion.
GUNNER
Oh.
HANNAH
It seemed like a safe bet at the time.
SPENCER
Turns out that I’m very good at religions, but not the
ones from this area.
GUNNER
Pick a different god and pray.
CALLIE
So, we have two more.
HANNAH
We have two more.
GUNNER
Callie did you want to do the rope trick?
CALLIE
Yeah!
GUNNER
But not the spell.
CALLIE
Not the spell. We would be in a lot better position if
we could cast the spell Rope Trick.
GUNNER
Yeah, well we’re all fighters here, baby! Yes, so
you’re going to tie up these little rope traps and put
them around to ward off any aminals that could bother
you during the night and you put them in some good good
hiding places, so yeah, do a sleight of hand check.
CALLIE
- I mean, I have traveled like before.
LAUGHTER
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I live in the woods.
GUNNER
Yeah. This is just like an average day to you you’re
like "gotta put up the ropes"
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Gotta pretend this is a rock.
GUNNER
"Gotta paint this tent I bought." Alright what was your
idea Pip Squeak?
HANNAH
What is my idea?
GUNNER
It’s all on you.
HANNAH
I mean I was kind of thinking of like maybe I could
use... but I don’t know if I have anything that I could
use this for, but like just making my way sort of like
a way away from the camp and sort of like picking up
like interesting scents somewhere else just sort of
like to draw animals in a different direction if they
might be like interested in our area.
GUNNER
Sure.
HANNAH
That like... yeah
GUNNER
Yeah, if that’s what you want to do, you take like Mimi
out there.
HANNAH
Yeah
GUNNER
For like a little walk to relieve herself and you’re
like "do it here and here"
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
Out here, I throw down... not rations, but something
that... I have some cloth that the rations have been
- I like toss it down on the ground and these can go
in a different cloth now.
GUNNER
Alright make a survival check.
HANNAH
Here’s hoping I’m lucky. Oh my god. Don’t even look at
- Don’t look at me.
SPENCER
No!
HANNAH
Don’t look at this second 1 of the night.
CALLIE
Oh my god.
GUNNER
(SIGHS)
HANNAH
Callie, you simply should have rolled a third time.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
Alright, so that is three failures.
HANNAH
That didn’t work.
GUNNER
It didn’t necessarily...
HANNAH
Mimi simply didn’t pay attention and peed again when we
got back to camp.
LAUGHTER
PIP (HANNAH)
Mimi, no! You were done!
GUNNER
Lies beside the campfire gets like a little bit of her
wool on fire.
HANNAH
Oh no!
GUNNER
You just smell the burning hair from miles away.
PIP (HANNAH)
Mimi, no!
GUNNER
Mimi has not been helpful.
HANNAH
She’s trying. She’s doing her best.
GUNNER
She’s trying so hard. She’s just sleepy.
HANNAH
Yeah, it’s been a long day. Yeah.
SPENCER
Uh.
HANNAH
Mr. Also rolled a 1.
LAUGHTER
SPENCER
I did what some people do when they fail. They blame
others for their failures.
GUNNER
Alright. So after a night of desperately trying to
get... keep animals away from your camp, protect
yourselves from the elements.
HANNAH
In the end we also just simply didn’t actually sleep a
lot. Like we simply tried so hard to keep things away
from camp.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
You guys just kept trying to scatter seeds and no one
slept very well. Yeah, you guys were very diligently
trying to keep animals away from your camp, that you
didn’t necessarily think about heat sources or trying
to keep yourselves warm, or protecting yourselves from
the blistering winds.
HANNAH
Callie is... Odette was the only one who was like in
the tent at any point.
GUNNER
Odette’s the only one with like, several sleeping bags
and fur coats.
HANNAH
But she couldn’t get any sleep either because we were
just moving around.
CALLIE
You were constantly opening the flap of the tent and
letting cold air in.
SPENCER
Unsleeping against the base of a tree, realizing he
called like a regional spirit by its name from a
slightly different region. And that’s probably why all
of them are cursed now.
GUNNER
Yes, Kin-of-Moss is wracked with guilt.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I did this.
GUNNER
Mimi is sleeping like
MIMI (GUNNER)
(SNORING)
Snork mimimimimimi. Snork mimimimimimimi.
HANNAH
(LAUGHING)
Aw.
GUNNER
And it’s just, it’s just too much.
CALLIE
Is Mimi exhausted?
GUNNER
Mimi... I will say no, because I don’t want to keep
track of that.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
So you all have one point of exhaustion after a rough,
rough night. And what that does is give you
disadvantage on all skill checks. Yeah...
HANNAH
All I have are skill checks. They’ve all been bad so
far without this.
GUNNER
I feel like that’s the least amount of things you have
skill checks. You have a lot of attack rolls.
HANNAH
We have yet to see them. Yet to be proven.
GUNNER
Fair. And so as the sun rises and the day starts and
you start making your way up the mountain. You’re
climbing for a bit, trudging...
HANNAH
Ugh. Is this paint still wet on the tent?
GUNNER
You have to abandon that tent.
HANNAH
No we have to fold it up. Waste not want not. Also
leave things as you found them.
GUNNER
You guys make your climb up the mountain, trekking
through snow and climbing up jagged inclines and a few
hours pass along your journey, as you’re starting to
kind of tire out a bit you might be thinking of taking
like a quick rest.
HANNAH
Yeah, we could take a short rest if we feel like we
need to...
GUNNER
When you hear a...
HANNAH
Oh.
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
Cool, never mind. Cut that.
GUNNER
Sorry.
CALLIE
Before this starts, can I state that I am on the broom?
GUNNER
Yeah, you’re just floating on the broom. Just...
CALLIE
Just hovering.
GUNNER
Yeah, not wanting to waste too much energy. So what...
the only two people really walking or hiking are
Kin-of-Moss and Mimi, because you’re probably writing
Mimi.
HANNAH
Yeah.
GUNNER
So actually...
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
So, actually Kin-of-Moss is tired?
GUNNER
Kin-of-Moss roll another... No.
LAUGHTER
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
It’s just me.
GUNNER
So, you walk for a few hours... you travel for a few
hours when you hear a cry for help, and a terrifying
roar come from across the crest of the jagged rock.
What would you like to do?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
That sounds important.
CALLIE
Does this sound like a dragon sized roar or like a
smaller roar?
GUNNER
Make a Arcana Check?
CALLIE
HANNAH
Oh my god, Odette.
GUNNER
It is not a Dragon Roar.
CALLIE
Oh, I have disadvantage.
GUNNER
Ah! Right.
CALLIE
GUNNER
It’s not a dragon roar and that’s all you get.
CALLIE
Okay.
HANNAH
That’s it! I go around the corner.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
All right, that sounds important. I’ll go as well.
SPENCER
I’ve got my, my, my praying stick slash deadly glaive
out.
GUNNER
Right. So you all are running forwards? Or floating?
CALLIE
I’m gonna be like... I’m gonna be like 15 feet in the
air.
GUNNER
Alright, so you swoop up a bit.
CALLIE
Like not in range of melee weapons.
GUNNER
Yeah. Mm hmm. So as Odette flies up to look past the
rock from the top, you two run around the side to see a
ravine and a wall of rock is blocking you on the other
side. So there’s only one path going forward. It’s just
a ledge, and it goes... a cliff goes up and the cliff
goes down.
HANNAH
Okay.
GUNNER
And there’s a ledge that’s a walking pathway.
HANNAH
Okay, okay, okay.
SPENCER
We’re just on a thin path on the outside of the
mountain.
HANNAH
Gotcha.
GUNNER
Further up there is a... what you can see from running
into this scene is you see the path ahead of you cut in
half by a 15 foot wide, frozen waterfall that bisects
this pathway that you’re on. And across from that is an
abominable yeti just rag-dolling around this guy.
CALLIE
Oh my god.
HANNAH
Jesus
GUNNER
Just whipping him around as he’s like,
MINOTAUR (GUNNER)
(WITH A GENERAL SCANDINAVIAN ACCENT)
Oh god, help! Help! Ah!
SPENCER
I’m gonna try to approach and then I reach into my bag
and I’m going to pull out a piece of rye just the sort
of like the top part like the sort of ear of rye I
think.
HANNAH
Yeah, the grain?
GUNNER
The bud?
SPENCER
Anyways, you know. Yes, like the part where you would
get actual rye flour from I’m just gonna hold that up
in one hand and then I’m just going to sort of offer it
out and then try to be like
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Hello, angered spirit of the mountain. Please leave
this man in peace. I bring you an offering.
GUNNER
Make a persuasion check, as this got... Just, the Yeti
kind of stops holding this man with one foot and just
stares at you for a second like...
SPENCER
GUNNER
- The Yeti just chucks this guy at you.
SOUND: ELECTRIC GUITAR MUSIC BEGINS
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Ah!
PIP (HANNAH)
Oh my god.
GUNNER
Yeah
SPENCER
I’m gonna...
GUNNER
We’re gonna roll initiative.
SPENCER
Cool.
CALLIE
Do we have disadvantage on this?
HANNAH
Can I help catch this guy?
SPENCER
Yeah, we do. Initiative is a skill check.
GUNNER
You do have that. You have disadvantage on initiative.
CALLIE
Ah, dang.
SPENCER
Oh, good.
CALLIE
Did the Yeti seem like it understood Kin-of-Moss?
GUNNER
No.
CALLIE
Okay.
LAUGHTER
SPENCER
It’s just like (imitating a trombone) Bwoop bwoop bwoop
bwoop bwoop.
GUNNER
You just like...
HANNAH
Oh, Charlie Brown noises?
GUNNER
Pip Squeak.
HANNAH
Yeah!
GUNNER
What’s your initiative?
HANNAH
Oh, you’re not telling me I get to go, ah, 12.
GUNNER
I’m so sorry. Kin-of-Moss?
SPENCER
Twice as good as my last roll. 2.
HANNAH
Aw, yeah, going on up in the world.
GUNNER
Odette?
CALLIE
HANNAH
Okay...
CALLIE
We had disadvantage.
HANNAH
Yeah, I’m telling you, I told you it was gonna be
terrible.
GUNNER
Oh yeah, woof. I forgot about that. I forgot you had
disadvantage.
HANNAH
How do...? You gave it to us.
GUNNER
I giveth and forgeteth.
HANNAH
You giveth and you do not take away.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
I don’t take anything because I don’t know what’s
happening. Anyway, so up first we actually have the
guy.
HANNAH
Oh.
GUNNER
You see the Yeti winding up.
SPENCER
Yeah.
GUNNER
To just huck this guy at you.
SPENCER
Mm hmm.
GUNNER
And this guy notices... You know what we have to do? We
have to roll for race of this guy.
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
That’s what he notices? Oh, you haven’t rolled my race
yet.
CALLIE
I’m just a grey blob right now until you determine a
race for me.
GUNNER
I’m just a guy!
HANNAH
Looking at a stack of fighters. Asking them to save me.
SPENCER
Just default avatar looking...
GUNNER
Mould me! Mould me! Mould me into a person. I’m just a
guy.
SPENCER
Callie go for it.
CALLIE
I can roll. What what? Which dice?
HANNAH
I think it’s a d12?
GUNNER
A d12 and a d4.
CALLIE
Is this also with disadvantage?
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
No.
GUNNER
No. No, there’s... there’s no bad race.
HANNAH
God.
CALLIE
8 and 2.
GUNNER
8 on the?
CALLIE
On the d12.
GUNNER
Of course, cause it’s a d4! Oh my god.
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
The way that you came at yourself for that. You’re just
like (inhales) so mad.
GUNNER
So this guy is a minotaur.
ALL
Oh!
GUNNER
So this big, beefy man is getting just rag-dolled
around by this...
HANNAH
Big, beefy Yeti.
GUNNER
Big beefy Yeti. Yeah, so this beefy man is going to...
SPENCER
Literally.
GUNNER
This guy’s going to try and slash at the Yeti’s arm
that is gripping onto him tightly with his great sword,
so he’s gonna go down with one fell swoop.
CALLIE
Oh, this guy’s armed.
HANNAH
He’s got two of them.
GUNNER
Yeah, he just is not in a good position. You know,
being upside down and all, but that is a 24 to hit,
which hits.
HANNAH
Damn!
SPENCER
Nice.
PIP (HANNAH)
This guy’s doing just fine. Maybe we should leave.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
He was asking for help.
PIP (HANNAH)
Hmm. Who knows? He could have this handled in the next
second.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Maybe?
PIP (HANNAH)
Maybe not.
GUNNER
Yes. So he slashes this guy and you just see like a big
gash form on their... The yeti’s wrist as he yells out
in pain. And he gets another attack.
HANNAH
Oh, this guy’s a fighter, too?
GUNNER
Fighter friends! 21 which hits for some more damage.
You don’t know what the damage is. It’s a mystery to
you guys.
HANNAH
Mm hmm.
CALLIE
Did it look substantially harmed by being hit by a very
big sword?
GUNNER
No, he’s still got his grip on him.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Oh no!
GUNNER
He’s still got a very strong grip. Actually, I’ll roll
like a Con check to see if he can hold on to him just
like a concentration check but concentrating on that
grip.
CALLIE
Isn’t there a thing with grappling where like if you
get hit you have to do a... it triggers a...
GUNNER
It doesn’t matter. It’s a nat 1.
CALLIE
Oh no!
GUNNER
He drops him before... Before he can toss him at you.
HANNAH
Drops him over the edge of that ravine. Goodbye!
GUNNER
No, just kind of drops him on the ground. It awkwardly,
like lands on his horns and then just like kind of like
almost a headstand but then just like flops over onto
the... onto his front.
CALLIE
Mm.
HANNAH
Aw. Owie.
GUNNER
So he is now prone
SPENCER
Aw manotaur.
HANNAH
Okay.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
It seems to be vulnerable to swords!
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
And is now the yeti’s turn and the Yeti is going to
take a big breath inward...
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Uh oh.
GUNNER
And then blow a cold deep wind in a 30 foot cone
towards all of you.
PIP (HANNAH)
This awful. This is terrible news. We’re on a horribly
narrow ledge, nicely lined up.
CALLIE
What sort of save is this?
GUNNER
It will be... Roll me a constitution saving throw.
CALLIE
Ah, dang.
HANNAH
We’re disadvantage for this?
SPENCER
Are we at the point in the show where Gunner forgot how
much damage that this thing can do?
GUNNER
I’m so sorry. I just read how much damage this was.
SPENCER
Oh yeah, I know!
CALLIE
Is this as much as the spell Cone of Cold?
HANNAH
You said a con saving throw?
SPENCER
We don’t have disadvantage.
HANNAH
Okay.
GUNNER
Alright, Odette?
CALLIE
GUNNER
That’s a failure.
CALLIE
Oh.
GUNNER
SPENCER
That was a natural 20 for me, +2. Oh wait, no. +5, 25.
GUNNER
Alright that’s a save.
SPENCER
Nice.
HANNAH
I got a four.
GUNNER
Oh no! Oh my goodness I’m gonna need 8d8’s. I was not
prepared.
HANNAH
I should get a little prize.
SPENCER
Mm hm.
CALLIE
Here’s some d8’s.
SOUND: DICE RATTLING
CALLIE
Mmmm.
GUNNER
Alright, let’s see. One, four...
HANNAH
As the DM, you could reduce this.
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
You could choose to not have this be the third time you
do a TPK.
CALLIE
This is a... It’s a juvenile yeti.
SPENCER
Nothing like players...
GUNNER
Listen. Wizards of the Coast said this would be a
medium battle
HANNAH
Every time they’ve lied to you.
SPENCER
Nothing like players bargaining damage down with the
- Just haggling.
GUNNER
On the first round of combat ever.
GUNNER (HANNAH)
Look, I know you’re level 8, but...
CALLIE
The fact that this guy is doing an extra attack makes
me actually feel okay.
GUNNER
Mm hmm. There is a lot of fours in here so it’s like it
naturally halved the damage anyway.
CALLIE
Oh, is that how that works?
SPENCER
It’s called average I believe.
LAUGHTER
CALLIE
Hey, let’s be fair. 4 is slightly below average. So,
good for us.
GUNNER
That will be 43.
CALLIE
(COUGH LAUGHS)
HANNAH
Okay.
SPENCER
Oh ya.
GUNNER
Of cold damage on a failed save.
SPENCER
Oh ya!
CALLIE
Ah!
SPENCER
I remember that!
HANNAH
You can say that cold again. That’s ice cold.
CALLIE
Baby, it’s cold outside!
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
And half as much on a success.
SPENCER
Yay 24!
HANNAH
Oh wow!
GUNNER
- And yeah that is its action.
SPENCER
Ouch.
HANNAH
That was it naturally halved. Wow!
CALLIE
Sure hope it does not regain that ability.
GUNNER
Yeah, I think it’s gonna stay there. Eager to just
attack the guy that’s closest to him right now.
SPENCER
Cool.
GUNNER
Alright next in initiative is Pip Squeak.
HANNAH
How far away is it?
GUNNER
30 feet
HANNAH
And that gap of the bisected waterfall is about how
much?
GUNNER
15 feet. It is frozen. So you can cross it. It is just
is difficult terrain.
HANNAH
Right, okay, right. It’s like a sloping thing, rather
than just straight down.
GUNNER
Yeah. Mm hmm.
HANNAH
Okay. Okay. Okay, that clears things up for me.
GUNNER
Yeah. So it’s like, like a thick sheet of ice on top of
this pathway that makes it difficult to cross.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Man that terrain sure is difficult.
GUNNER
So that is five feet in front of you and the Yeti is 10
feet away from it on the other side.
HANNAH
Yeah, I mean, the most I can do really is ride Mimi
within 10 feet.
MIMI (GUNNER)
Aah.
HANNAH
That’s the best I can do. Oh, except it’s difficult
terrain so it wouldn’t be within 10 feet. I have... how
much would that take to get across that waterfall?
GUNNER
HANNAH
15 feet of difficult terrain.
CALLIE
Can’t you direct Mimi to dash?
HANNAH
Is that considered separate from my own movement?
SPENCER
Yeah. If you’re on Mimi, it’s not your movement. It’s
Mimi’s movement.
HANNAH
Okay.Okay, I guess I just stay at the edge of the water
then.
GUNNER
I will have you roll a dexterity saving throw...
HANNAH
Oh!
GUNNER
For Mimi to run across this ice just to not fall prone,
so you get advantage on that.
HANNAH
- I don’t know remember what her modifiers if any
are.
GUNNER
That’s alright. Natural 16 passes. She is very sturdy
on this ice.
HANNAH
She is. She’s confident.
GUNNER
You go lance ahead!
HANNAH
I rolled a natural one so it doesn’t hit.
CALLIE
Oh my god.
SPENCER
Third one of the night!
GUNNER
I’m so sorry. Alright. You get a second attack if you
would like.
HANNAH
I do get a second attack. So, I whiff that first one
because while Mimi is sure about this ice, I feel a
little nervous.
GUNNER
Mm hmm.
HANNAH
That second one is an 18 to hit.
GUNNER
18 hits.
HANNAH
9 damage.
GUNNER
9 damage. Alright, you thrust forward with your lance
and Mimi is doing that anime thing of like...
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
You know where you’re bracing yourself hard enough that
the rock crumbles beneath you? But it’s the ice this
time...
PIP (HANNAH)
Oh no!
GUNNER
As you thrust forward with force.
HANNAH
Okay.
GUNNER
And Mimi stands her ground.
HANNAH
Nice.
GUNNER
And you impact the abominable Yeti in its abdomen and
it takes the 9 points of damage.
HANNAH
I am gonna use unwavering mark.
SPENCER
Nice.
HANNAH
Which is when I get a creature I can put this mark on
GUNNER
Is that like goading one where it has disadvantage on
everything but you?
HANNAH
Yes. Yeah.
GUNNER
Okay. Is there anything else you’d like to do?
HANNAH
That’s it.
GUNNER
next on the docket is Odette!
CALLIE
First things first, I’m gonna heal myself.
GUNNER
Excellent.
HANNAH
Ugh. You’re so smart, Odette.
CALLIE
Okay, I heal 12
GUNNER
Oh...
HANNAH
That’s better than healing nothing at all. And having
11 HP.
CALLIE
How far did that cone look like it reached? Did it look
like it went far behind us as well?
GUNNER
No, it basically just like got ya.
CALLIE
It was like cut off at 30 feet? Okay, I’m gonna go an
additional 30 feet in the air. So I’m 45 feet in the
air. I’m going to shoot it with my short bow. Um 24 to
hit.
GUNNER
24 absolutely hits.
CALLIE
Okay, I’m going to use my Fury of the Small on this and
also I’m going to make this a Grasping Arrow.
GUNNER
Ooh.
CALLIE
First of all with the Fury of the Small that’s 13
piercing damage.
GUNNER
Alright, your bolt from your crossbow goes thwip
through the air and pierces this tough hide of this
Yeti.
CALLIE
Okay, and also, so it explodes in poison damage.
GUNNER
Ah!
CALLIE
And that’s 10 poison damage. Its speed is reduced by 10
feet, the first time it moves without teleporting on
each of its turns, it takes 2d6 slashing damage, and it
can make an athletics check against my DC, otherwise it
lasts for one minute or until I use this feature again.
And that’s my turn.
GUNNER
You don’t have a second attack?
CALLIE
Oh my god I do.
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
You’re a fighter!
CALLIE
I’m gonna shoot it again.
GUNNER
You’re not a rogue, you’re a fighter.
CALLIE
This time I will try and do sharpshooter.
GUNNER
Alright.
CALLIE
No.
HANNAH
Oh, what is it?
CALLIE
That is 8 to hit.
GUNNER
Misses, as you are bolstered with confidence because of
your first hit and the fact that this person is now
covered in vines, your other one just goes too wide.
There’s like a random gust of wind that just pushes it
way off board.
CALLIE
How late in the day is it?
GUNNER
It’s like Eleven. Ten/Eleven.
CALLIE
Oh, it’s quite early in the day. Okay.
SPENCER
We’ve only been at this for a few hours.
CALLIE
Oh wait, this... Okay.
GUNNER
You have plenty of day to short rest, even.
CALLIE
Yeah. Okay, I... that’s it for me right now.
HANNAH
Or die.
GUNNER
Or just be dead.
SPENCER
Or perish.
GUNNER
Kin-of-Moss!
SPENCER
That’s me!
GUNNER
You’re up now?
SPENCER
Okay. So I’m going to, firstly take a few steps forward
right to the edge of my side of this frozen waterfall.
And I’m going to give a rallying cry to Pip...
HANNAH
Ooh.
SPENCER
Talking about how great their heroism is, and how I
appreciate their efforts. I’m going to use my rally
maneuver.
HANNAH
That’s an 8
SPENCER
You get nine temporary hit points. That’s my bonus
action. Then I’m going to use my movement and I’m going
to be sort of right beside Pip and Mimi on the ice.
GUNNER
Awesome.
SPENCER
That’s all of my movement. Wait, the Yeti is...
GUNNER
Is now 10 feet away.
SPENCER
Is 10 feet away? Oh...
LAUGHTER
SPENCER
And...
GUNNER
Well, well, well.
HANNAH
How convenient.
SPENCER
In that case, then... I’m going to take my glaive and
I’m going to start with both hands on it and trying to
sort of thrust at the lower part of its abdomen, sort
of waistline level and make an attack. 16?
GUNNER
16 hits.
SPENCER
Nice. So I am going to stab at its abdomen and then try
to... by turning it slightly and then with my backhand
pushing forward, use a pushing attack maneuver as well.
GUNNER
Oh.
SPENCER
So I’m going to roll damage. It’s going to be 5 points
of slashing damage. And then I’m going to, with my
pushing attack maneuver, rolling another Superiority
die real quick and add that to damage another 6 points
of damage and...
GUNNER
As you thrust forward and thrust again. Pushing this
creature back.
HANNAH
Are you okay?
SPENCER
And so with that last push and slight twist of this I’m
going to try to push it back and it’s going to make a
strength saving throw. What size is this Creature?
GUNNER
This is a huge creature.
SPENCER
Aha, well I count as large so I can do this.
GUNNER
Yes, you can push it back. That’s a 24 on that.
SPENCER
Uhh... That just, that... my DC is 15 so it’s close.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
Excellent. This yeti is also incredibly beefy as
muscles just... its abs just flex and it has...
SPENCER
It has abs on its biceps.
GUNNER
Forcefully pushes your glaive out with just force of
muscle.
HANNAH
Oh, disgusting.
SPENCER
It looks like a Baki character.
HANNAH
(GAGS)
Oh my... So, he looks great, is what I’m hearing.
SPENCER
Then I’m just going to make another attack with my
Javelin, then. Uhh that’s a natural one. I do not hit
thank you for your time everyone.
GUNNER
Oh no.
HANNAH
Yes, we’re getting them all out.
CALLIE
Does your javelin fall down the cliff?
HANNAH
No!
LAUGHTER
SPENCER
Callie...
GUNNER
You’re just too distracted by the shiny blue abs of
this yeti.
HANNAH
The reveal he’s shaved them!
SPENCER
Only his belly area.
GUNNER
Yeah.
SPENCER
I’m distracted by the fact that when he flexes a
certain way it looks like a demon face for just a
second.
GUNNER
He can make his belly button frown.
SPENCER
And that’s my turn. That’s my turn thanks folks.
GUNNER
It is now beef boy’s turn!
CALLIE
Oh good I thought that was the Yeti for a second.
GUNNER
No, beef boy!
HANNAH
They’re both beef boys. It’s beef boy one and beef boy
two.
CALLIE
(SINGING)
Gimme the beef boy and free my soul...
LAUGHTER
CALLIE
That’s as much as I can sing of this song.
GUNNER
Beef boy is prone. He’s going to get up for half his
movement. What is he going to do?
PIP (HANNAH)
What are you doing up here unsupervised?
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Hit him with your sword!
MINOTAUR (GUNNER
Alright, I will hit him with my sword.
HANNAH
Little German boy, no!
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
As he bears down on the Yeti with his great sword.
HANNAH
No, he’s a minotaur.
SPENCER
(IMITATING A TROMBONE)
Bom bom bom bom.
HANNAH
Thank you
GUNNER
That is going to hit. That is 18 to hit. He does an
amount of damage and then (in minotaur’s voice) he will
make his another attack. That definitely hits for
another amount of damage.
HANNAH
Secret secrets.
GUNNER
Secret secrets hurt this yeti!
CALLIE
Does this yeti look... Does this yeti look wounded at
all at this point?
SPENCER
I doubt it.
GUNNER
Uh... No.
CALLIE
Oh no!
GUNNER
With the swing of the greatsword.
SPENCER
It’s the first round of combat.
HANNAH
But I look awful.
SPENCER
Yeah.
CALLIE
I also look pretty bad.
HANNAH
Yes.
SPENCER
You have potions!
GUNNER
With the swing of the great sword, it’s just... it just
shaves more of the fur off his belly showing another
pack.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
He’s at like a twelve-pack now.
HANNAH
It’s just like the parts around his normal six pack
that are also fully like...
GUNNER
He has like an insane Adonis belt.
SOUND: MUSIC FADES OUT
SPENCER
Somehow he’s belt both like a weightlifter and a
bodybuilder so he has the bulk and the definition.
GUNNER
His abs are just so far out.
HANNAH
He’s got a serious... A serious V.
SPENCER
When he flexes a certain way, it looks like a snowflake
on his belly.
GUNNER
That was beef boy’s turn now it’s the Yeti’s turn and
they’re going to see if they get their cold breath
back.
HANNAH
Don’t.
GUNNER
They do not.
CALLIE
Ooh.
HANNAH
Good.
GUNNER
It’s going to try and get in range with you, Pip
Squeak.
HANNAH
Sure.
CALLIE
You activated my trap card. It’s wrapped up in thorny
vines.
GUNNER
Oh true.
CALLIE
So that’s 8 poison damage.
GUNNER
Alright.
CALLIE
No! Slashing if that makes a difference.
GUNNER
It does not in this case.
CALLIE
Okay.
GUNNER
As you’re all here, It just looks at all of you.
Flexes, does like a Jojo pose.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
And you see its piercing blue eyes.
HANNAH
Okay!
SPENCER
Oh dear. I forgot about this.
GUNNER
As you just the coolest pose ever. And it casts a
chilling gaze upon you.
SPENCER
Abominable!
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
You’ll all have to make a Con saving throw.
CALLIE
Does this affect me in the air?
HANNAH
We have disadvantage!
SPENCER
No, that’s saving throw.
HANNAH
Okay.
GUNNER
It doesn’t.
CALLIE
Haha!
GUNNER
It’s a 30 foot range.
CALLIE
Hahaha!
HANNAH
Does Mimi also have to make a save?
GUNNER
Mimi also has to make a save.
HANNAH
Oh. Okay, so Mimi rolled an 11.
GUNNER
Oh, no. Rest in peace, Mimi.
SOUND: LOW OMINOUS MUSIC BEGINS
SPENCER
Ah!
HANNAH
No!
GUNNER
Alright. What’s Pip Squeak’s roll?
HANNAH
GUNNER
Alright, that’s fails.
SPENCER
That’s a 17 for me.
GUNNER
That fails.
SPENCER
Nice.
CALLIE
Oh my god.
HANNAH
What?
CALLIE
17 fails?
GUNNER
As you take...
HANNAH
I’m sorry. And you’re blaming this on WotC?
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
Yeah, It’s a medium encounter!
HANNAH
Mm.
GUNNER
Oh. Okay, that’s a lot of 3’s and 2’s I’m seeing.
HANNAH
Okay, Mimi has four hit points.
LAUGHTER
SPENCER
Just goatsicle.
HANNAH
No!
GUNNER
That’s 16 points of cold damage.
SPENCER
Ouch.
GUNNER
And you are paralyzed for one minute.
CALLIE
Oh my god.
SPENCER
Ouch.
GUNNER
You can repeat the saving throw at the end of each of
your turns.
SPENCER
Yeowch.
GUNNER
Alright. And Mimi’s down. Just a block of ice.
SPENCER
Is this one of the ones where it’s like "if this brings
you to zero hit points it dot dot dot"?
GUNNER
Nope.
SPENCER
Okay, I was misremembering then.
GUNNER
Mimi is... could be alive in there. In that ice berg.
LAUGHTER
CALLIE
In there!
GUNNER
She’s just fused with the waterfall.
CALLIE
Wait. Is Pip still up?
HANNAH
I’m still on the goat.
SPENCER
But the goat is on the ground.
CALLIE
No, but are you conscious?
HANNAH
I have some hit points.
CALLIE
Hoo boy.
HANNAH
Thank you temporary hip points.
SPENCER
Yay.
HANNAH
I have six hit points, but I’m paralyzed for a minute.
So let’s see.
GUNNER
Actually, you know what?
HANNAH
Oh?
GUNNER
You see a... the minotaur looks at you, Kin-of-Moss.
MINOTAUR (GUNNER)
I think you can stay warm for this.
GUNNER
It gives you a thumbs up.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Thank you.
GUNNER
And adds their charisma modifier to your saving throw.
SPENCER
Nice, yay!
GUNNER
That’s a +2 but you succeed.
SPENCER
That’s a 19. So it was it a DC 18?
GUNNER
DC 18.
SPENCER
I missed it by one. I felt like that was the case.
GUNNER
Yeah, mm hmm.
SPENCER
So, do I take half damage or no damage for this one?
GUNNER
You take no damage!
SPENCER
Nice
MINOTAUR (GUNNER)
The only beefy boy is me.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
That was the yeti’s turn. It is now Pip Squeak’s turn.
At the end of your turn, you can roll another Con save.
HANNAH
That’s a nat 20.
GUNNER
Nat 20. You’re unparalyzed.
HANNAH
(LIKE AN AIRHORN)
Bah bah bow!
GUNNER
As... as the rage of seeing Mimi knocked out just melts
the ice that was forming around you. You’re just ready
to beat this guy up but that is the end of your turn.
SPENCER
Doom music starts playing.
HANNAH
Oh, okay.
GUNNER
It is now Odette’s turn.
CALLIE
Okay. Is there like an outcropping up the cliff where I
am? And/or like part of the frozen waterfall that I can
hide behind?
GUNNER
Uh, yeah.
CALLIE
From the yeti.
GUNNER
I’ll say yeah, there’s a lot of rocks and stuff you can
hide behind.
CALLIE
So I’m gonna land and then try and hide with
disadvantage because I’m exhausted. Ah! They were both
2’s.
GUNNER
Oh, no.
CALLIE
So that’s a 10, which... could be...
GUNNER
It could be something...
CALLIE
Hidden. That could be hidden depending on how
distracted it is.
GUNNER
You think you hid.
CALLIE
Okay. I did about as well as I thought I could.
GUNNER
Yeah.
CALLIE
Okay, now I’m going to attack it with sharpshooter.
GUNNER
Sorry, I forgot a Chilling Gaze was just one of its
moves.
CALLIE
Oh my god.
SPENCER
Mm hmm.
GUNNER
It still gets two attacks afterwards. So to resolve
this, I’ll do one against Pip Squeak and one against
Kin-of-Moss.
SPENCER
Hello, that’s me.
GUNNER
and this would have been when you were frozen.
HANNAH
Okay.
GUNNER
So.
SPENCER
It gets advantage.
GUNNER
It gets advantage on you. 24 to hit?
HANNAH
Yeah, that hits.
GUNNER
Good. WotC, what did you create?
HANNAH
Uh, monsters. I think they have a whole manual of them.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
So that’s... trying to do math in my head.
HANNAH
I have 6 hit points, so I feel like if it’s anything
like it might be more than 6.
GUNNER
Yeah.
CALLIE
Is it somewhere between 6 and 59 hit points?
HANNAH
Then I am down.
GUNNER
Yeah. You’re down.
CALLIE
Oh!
GUNNER
But I’ll say you made your saving throw, so you’re not
paralyzed while you’re down.
HANNAH
Sure.
GUNNER
And one against Kin-of-Moss.
SPENCER
I retaliate first with my reaction. With my Sentinel
feature.
GUNNER
Ah! Okay, go ahead!
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
How dare you hurt my friend and reject my rye!
LAUGHTER
SPENCER
That is going to be a ten to hit, which I don’t believe
hits.
GUNNER
Misses.
SPENCER
Okay.
GUNNER
Alright and then it... it looks at you confused and
then just bonks you on the head.
SPENCER
It’ll try.
GUNNER
For 26 to hit?
SPENCER
It’ll succeed.
GUNNER
Alright. That’s 12 points of slashing damage.
SPENCER
But my heavy armor is masterful, so I’ll take 3 less.
GUNNER
Nice. And 4 points of cold damage.
SPENCER
Ouch.
GUNNER
As you feel its icy fingers caress the side of your
face as it brushes against you.
HANNAH
It’s getting really...
CALLIE
This is a really sexual fight.
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
Having a kind of ghost moment going on here.
GUNNER
This fight? Just got sexy.
SPENCER
The waterfall starts melting from the steam.
HANNAH
From how hot it is in here.
GUNNER
Pip Squeak, since you’re down on your turn. Could you
make a death save for me?
HANNAH
Yeah, I can do that. An 11.
ALL
(GASP)
GUNNER
One success. Alright. Odette. Is there anything
different you want to do now?
CALLIE
So I’ve already hidden
HANNAH
Do I need to roll for Mimi?
GUNNER
No, Mimi is... Mimi is out. I will say Mimi. Mimi can’t
die. But Mimi is done for today.
HANNAH
Yeah.
CALLIE
How bad does it look? Does it look like it has been
harmed significantly yet or no?
GUNNER
Not since the last time you asked, no.
CALLIE
Okay. Yeah. So I have hidden as well as I think I can
and then I’m going to try and attack it. Do I have
advantage?
GUNNER
You do not.
CALLIE
That’s... I didn’t think so. Okay, Sharpshooter! That’s
GUNNER
8 misses.
CALLIE
I’m going to try again. That’s... a million... 24.
GUNNER
24 hits. That’s 19 piercing damage.
GUNNER
Alright, now it’s looking kind of ragged here. Not
doing as many sexy flexing poses as it was before to
dodge out the way of your arrows.
CALLIE
It has like... sexy Saint Sebastian arrow wounds.
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
Lmao.
GUNNER
Yeah. Is that your turn?
CALLIE
Yeah.
GUNNER
Alright, Kin-of-Moss. It’s your turn.
SPENCER
So, in that case, then I’m going to go for another push
attack. And so I’m going to make an attack roll against
it with my glaive. And this time I’m going to try to
sort of... From bottom right to its shoulder, try to
sweep up and push it back and make my attack. 20 to
hit.
GUNNER
20 Hits.
SPENCER
Nice, so another strength saving throw on that.
GUNNER
As you swiftly slash up against this creature.
SPENCER
Nice that a lot of damage. 21 points of slashing
damage. 10 plus 8 plus 3.
GUNNER
Dang. Yeah, that you took a big chunk out of the this
yeti. Fur and flesh just scattered about.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Don’t hurt my friend... And the goat.
GUNNER
It made a 24 for that?
SPENCER
Yeah, that’s fine. My DC is 15, so unless it fails
quite a bit I don’t imagine it’s going anywhere.
GUNNER
Yeah.
SPENCER
Taking it from that. I’m going to use that momentum. To
bring it round go from right shoulder down. Yeah, 19
plus...
GUNNER
Yeah, that hits.
SPENCER
7 points of damage.
GUNNER
Awesome.
SPENCER
And then as it’s coming around, I’m gonna hit it with
the back end of my glaive with using the polearm master
thing. That doesn’t hit an 11.
GUNNER
No. So you do a swift flurry of hits and a little blunt
butt-end of your polearm and it is looking very harried
now.
HANNAH
But less hairy.
GUNNER
But less hairy. You’re seeing more muscles more tone
happening here. But also a lot more cuts. He’s cut and
he’s cut.
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
Incredible
GUNNER
And is that your turn?
SPENCER
That is my turn.
GUNNER
Alright, top of the round. It is beef boy!
MINOTAUR (GUNNER)
I guess we should just try and take him down. This is
not happening very good. Anyway, take my sword to you.
GUNNER
That’s a 17, that hits.
SPENCER
Nice.
MINOTAUR (GUNNER)
And then I wouldn’t have at you again.
SOUND: MUSIC FADES OUT
GUNNER
As he slashes down on the Yeti once more. That’s
natural 20!
ALL
Ayy!
GUNNER
For beef boy! Beef boy!
HANNAH
Got beef.
GUNNER
Dang yeah, that was a lot of damage, as this minotaur
is just swinging at the meaty quads of this yeti.
Because that’s the height it’s at.
SPENCER
Has he gotten up yet?
GUNNER
Yeah! He’s standing up. He just hasn’t moved anywhere
else.
SPENCER
I missed that I just wanted to double check.
GUNNER
Yeah. And so that is his turn and he is going to stand
his ground, but the yeti... The yeti is not looking too
hot. But it is the yeti’s turn, we will see if it gets
its cold breath back.
SOUND: DICE ROLLING
CALLIE
(RESTRAINING LAUGHTER)
Oh my god.
SPENCER
Go on, I want you to do it.
GUNNER
It does. I think it’s just gonna... it’s gonna go for
beef boy with this. It’s gonna target...
CALLIE
Is it moving at least one foot?
GUNNER
No it’s just turning to the side because it’s right
there.
CALLIE
Aw okay.
GUNNER
But it won’t be in range of anyone else. It’s just a
targeted attack against beef boy. Alright beef boy,
make your con save.
MINOTAUR (GUNNER)
No, I do not. Oh no.
CALLIE
Oh no.
MINOTAUR (GUNNER)
This is gonna hurt.
GUNNER
As a ferocious wind blows, freezing beef boy, his
horn...
HANNAH
Horn is the loneliest number
GUNNER
Is getting icicles on them as he takes... Oh holy shit.
HANNAH
You didn’t have to do that.
CALLIE
This Yeti saw beef boy and was like I’m a vegetarian
and I’m not fucking scared of him.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
Oh my god, that’s so many 8’s
CALLIE
Oh my god.
HANNAH
Uh uh.
CALLIE
Well beef boy, we hardly knew ye.
HANNAH
He was right there.
SPENCER
We recommend flash freezing your beef before
consumption.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
As this wind, this icy breath blows onto beef boy and
he finally knows what chewing Five Gum feels like...
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
You see beef boy just like willing himself to take the
brunt of it. And it doesn’t faze him as much. You see
his like clothing isn’t as frosted over, his horns do
have the icicles, but like... with the clothing he’s
wearing, he takes half damage.
SPENCER
Nice.
CALLIE
Yeah!
GUNNER
So he is still up.
ODETTE
Oh, good for you!
MINOTAUR (GUNNER)
I’m not too happy, but I am used to the cold.
GUNNER
That is the yeti’s turn. Pip Squeak.
CALLIE
Oh, Pip, oh no.
GUNNER
You got to death saving throw.
HANNAH
That’s a fail.
CALLIE AND GUNNER
Oh no.
HANNAH
That’s that.
GUNNER
That’s that. Odette.
CALLIE
I’m gonna try and hide again.
GUNNER
Yeah, go ahead.
HANNAH
Sounds safe.
CALLIE
Oh, that’s much better. That’s 23.
GUNNER
- You are definitely hidden and I’ll tell you that
much.
CALLIE
Alright, now I’m gonna sharpshooter.
GUNNER
Excellent.
CALLIE
Umm 18.
GUNNER
18 hits.
CALLIE
Okay, that’s 20 piercing damage.
GUNNER
Hm? Excuse me, what? Damn.
CALLIE
I rolled a 5+15.
HANNAH
We do love a good Sharpshooter.
GUNNER
You like go right for the Achilles tendon and (like an
arrow) fwoo! Hit it as it reels back.
HANNAH
Damn, that seems hard to get from this angle.
GUNNER
That’s what sharpshooter is baby! Hitting somewhere
specific for maximum damage.
HANNAH
That’s from 45 feet of height.
GUNNER
As you hear the Yeti roar in pain.
HANNAH
Sounds like bad news.
GUNNER
That’s your first attack.
CALLIE
It’s still up?
GUNNER
It’s still up.
CALLIE
Okay, I’m gonna try another Sharpshooter shot which is
now... I’ve I’ve now revealed where I am. So I...
GUNNER
Yeah.
CALLIE
Ooh, um 13.
GUNNER
13 misses.
CALLIE
No, that’s 12.
GUNNER
12 also misses.
CALLIE
12 also misses.
SPENCER
12 hits, 13 misses!
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
There’s a sweet spot.
GUNNER
I decide a below and above.
SPENCER
AC’s are now going to be on a bell curve.
CALLIE
Did you say applying potions is a bonus action or an
action?
GUNNER
It is a bonus action, if you want to roll for the
healing. It is a full action to get the full amount of
the healing potion.
CALLIE
And that’s either for yourself or for someone else who
is down?
GUNNER
Yes.
CALLIE
Okay. I’m going to fly down and I give Pip an average
healing potion.
GUNNER
Did you use your bonus action?
CALLIE
So true. Okay, I will use my Action Surge and give you
the full amount of 12?
GUNNER
Yeah.
CALLIE
12 hit points.
GUNNER
Cause it’s 2d4+4.
CALLIE
Yeah. Oh, and now I’m right in the way so that’s good.
GUNNER
Woo!
CALLIE
And that’s my turn.
GUNNER
That’s okay. Because now it’s Kin-of-Moss’s turn.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
That’s me. So I’m just like, Oh, great Pip is okay,
relatively speaking. And I’m going to, once again try
to stand up to this bully who has been hurting my
friends and my new friend. The fjord-otaur. And I’m
going to..
MINOTAUR
You could ask my name.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
We’re busy.
MINOTAUR (GUNNER)
That is fair!
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
And so I’m going to make just my normal attack, first
of all. I’m gonna miss my first attack.
GUNNER
Oh no.
SPENCER
So, my second attack is a natural 20.
GUNNER
Woo!
SPENCER
(AIR HORN NOISES)
Bow bow bow!
GUNNER
Oh yeah! Roll for it.
SPENCER
I’m going to make this another pushing attack, just so
I have more dice to roll. Alright, so that’s going to
be it... 30 points of slashing damage!
GUNNER
Whoo! Kin-of-Moss...
SPENCER
Yay!
GUNNER
Describe this yeti’s demise.
SPENCER
I am going to stand over my friend who’s just
recovering their friend, who is just chilling. Our
collective new friend and I’m going to just bring my
glaive up to sort of reflect some of the sunlight into
its eyes. And instead of hitting it, I’m going to bring
it down so that I hit the edge of the ledge that we’re
- And since I was using a pushing attack, push down
into it and try to lever that up, cracking the stone
under its feet so that it falls off the side of the
mountain.
GUNNER
You deke out the Yeti as it raises an arm to block your
strike from above, and you drive your glaive down into
the stone cracking it in just the right position. As
you push down and pry up, you start a rocky landslide
that consumes the Yeti as it falls into the ravine
below you. And that’s the end of combat.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Are you okay, Pip?
PIP (HANNAH)
Mimi, are you okay?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Oh, great.
GUNNER
Mimi is just like a like ice statue.
ODETTE
Oh!
PIP (HANNAH)
I don’t know what to do about an ice statue? Maybe I’ll
just carry her until she melts out.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Maybe I can help you with that instead?
PIP
Sure.
MINOTAUR (GUNNER)
You can come back to my cave and we can warm her up.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Thank you.
PIP
What’s your name?
MINOTAUR (GUNNER)
By the way, thank you for helping me. That yeti was
very scary.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
It was the right thing to do.
MINOTAUR (GUNNER)
Yeah...
PIP (HANNAH)
So no name?
MINOTAUR (GUNNER)
Oh my name... my name is Hugo.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Hello, Hugo. It’s wonderful to meet you.
HUGO (GUNNER)
How about you? What are you doing so high up in the
mountains?
PIP (HANNAH)
We’re looking for a dragon.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
We’re here to end winter. Both of those things are
true.
HUGO (GUNNER)
Wait, what did you say? What... you talked at the same
time.
PIP (HANNAH)
I said we’re looking for a dragon. Kin-of-Moss said
we’re here to end winter.
HUGO (GUNNER)
Okay, well the other one’s a bit conceptual for me but
I did see a dragon fly overhead a few hours ago.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Oh, that’s where we’re going. It’s upwards and onwards
from here. Also I’m Kin-of-Moss. Thank you for your aid
in that, Hugo, as well.
PIP (HANNAH)
We could take a lunch.
HUGO (GUNNER)
I have food.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Where is... Where is your... your cave.
HUGO (GUNNER)
It is just up a little bit it’s not too far. I was just
coming back from hunting and this yeti was here.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Very rude of it.
HUGO (GUNNER)
Incredibly rude of it. So these other two: what are
your names?
PIP (HANNAH)
Did I not already introduce myself?
HUGO (GUNNER)
I do not remember I am so sorry.
PIP (HANNAH)
My name is Pip. Pip Squeak.
HUGO (GUNNER)
Hello, Pip. It is very lovely to meet you.
HANNAH
We shake hands.
CALLIE
Can I roll an insight check?
GUNNER
Yeah, roll an insight check.
HANNAH
How much of a Rube is this guy?
CALLIE
GUNNER
There’s nothing too weird about him other than like his
accent and the fact that he’s living up in a mountain,
in a cave.
CALLIE
Does he have any like animal carcasses with him?
Because he said he was returning from hunting.
GUNNER
Like yeah, you see some like carcasses like strewn
about.
CALLIE
Ah, they got...
GUNNER
Strewn about because...
SPENCER
He was thrown around quite literally.
GUNNER
He got into like a beef with this Yeti.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Alibi checks out. I’m Odette.
GUNNER
You see Hugo is wearing like this very heavy, thick
winter outfit. It doesn’t look like clothing from here.
It looks like it’s from a place far more north and like
foreign. It’s got different colouring than like the
colouring of your...
PIP (HANNAH)
You’re not from around here. Are you?
HUGO (GUNNER)
No I am not. We can go to my cave and we can talk even
more if you’d like.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
That sounds lovely. Thank you for your invitation Hugo.
SPENCER
As we’re leaving I’m just gonna chip off some ice from
the waterfall. Put that in a container.
HUGO
I can also carry the goat if you would like.
PIP (HANNAH)
Kin-of-Moss offered. We shouldn’t make a guest carry...
HUGO (GUNNER)
You are the guests. The cave is my home.
PIP (HANNAH)
But you’re a guest to our group.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I will just take care of it but thank you, Hugo.
HUGO (GUNNER)
Alright.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
The offer is appreciated.
SPENCER
And I’m just gonna try to pick up Mimi and carry her.
GUNNER
You hoist a frozen Mimi on to your shoulder and Hugo
leads you up this kind of rocky incline towards a cave
where you see a warm glowing light of a fire
illuminating the inside of the cave. And that’s where
we’re gonna end this session. Great work everyone.
ALL
Yay!
SPENCER
Great work, everyone! Thanks for running, Gunner.
GUNNER
Woo hoo! Well, we survived.
HANNAH
What a fight.
GUNNER
We survived a terribly balanced encounter yet again,
I’m so sorry, I should never trust WotC with anything
if you want to hear more of our stuff, please follow
- We’re on Spotify. You can also find us on Twitter
@class_feature . You can find me on Twitter
@runngunnergunn . All those words have one... No!
HANNAH
Two!
GUNNER
All spelled with two N’s.
HANNAH
And you can find Hugo in a cave.
HUGO (GUNNER)
You can find me in a cave. It’s where I live!
GUNNER
Anyone else got anything they’d like to plug or
anything?
SPENCER
As always, thanks for watching and do not look for me
on any social media.
HANNAH
My recommendation? Unsubscribe.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
No!
CALLIE
Why?
GUNNER
I’m trying so hard!
SPENCER
That’s very rude.
HANNAH
I’m just here to be contrary.
CALLIE
My recommendation is resubscribe.
GUNNER
Yeah!
SPENCER
(SINGS HORN RIFF TO JOHN CENA’S THEME SONG)
CALLIE
Delete the episode and redownload it a bunch of times.
HANNAH
Ooh. Do redownload it.
GUNNER
Give us five stars if that’s a thing you can do.
SPENCER
Clear your history and watch it again to give us more
in the analytics.
HANNAH
I don’t think... It might be a thing. Anyway, Callie?
CALLIE
Keep it... keep the episode running on Spotify on a low
volume, not muted.
HANNAH
Keep it real.
CALLIE
Yeah.
GUNNER
Keep it classy. Keep it real. Oh, keep it classy! Like
class feature.
SPENCER
We’ve made a fantastic discovery. Alright. Keep it
class... No, wait, Callie.
HANNAH
Callie’s gotta promo
You can follow me on Twitter @changpowless .
GUNNER
Alright. That’s been Class Feature. Keep it classy!
Fighter: Episode 2 - Magpies and Mischief
Wed, 17 Aug 2022 20:03:35 +0000
GUNNER
Hello. Welcome to Class Feature, the show in which we
feature classes from Dungeons and Dragons 5E, based on
adventures influenced in Slavic folklore. I am your DM
Gunner Gunn. I go by they/them pronouns. And I’ll hand
it off to the rest of the cast to introduce themselves.
HANNAH
Hello, I’m Hannah. She/they pronouns and today I will
be playing Pip Squeak. The Cavalier fighter and she
also uses she/her pronouns.
SPENCER
Well I don’t know about y’all, but I’m excited to be
inspired by Slavic folklore.
LAUGHTER
SPENCER
My name is Spencer he/him. Hi I’m playing Kin-of-Moss,
the firbolg fighter also he/him or it depending on
whatever you feel like.
CALLIE
My name is Callie. I will be playing Odette who is a
goblin arcane archer. Who uses she/her pronouns?
GUNNER
Awesome. Alright. How are we doing today? Are we
doing... how are we feeling?
SPENCER
I’ve got some charts made up from how things went last
time.
GUNNER
Oh.
HANNAH
Mm hmm. Are they optimistic?
CALLIE
I have concerns.
HANNAH
I don’t have any concerns!
GUNNER
As per my last email.
SPENCER
I have concerns. So what I’ve seen so far...
GUNNER
Yeah.
SPENCER
The chance of death for our characters has gone
drastically up.
HANNAH
Mm.
GUNNER
Yep
SPENCER
And the cost of our combined total possessions has gone
dramatically downwards.
HANNAH
Mm.
GUNNER
Mm hmm.
SPENCER
Surprisingly, very much at the exact same time.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
Yeah.
SPENCER
And so I think I have some concerns about the viability
of this fiscal future for our characters.
GUNNER
Yeah, this fiscal year, the projections are not great.
CALLIE
My assets are a lot more liquid right now.
ALL
Aw.
HANNAH
But your ass is very fine. I believe Dandelion is okay.
CALLIE
So true.
GUNNER
Yeah, alright. It’s our second episode, guys. And we’re
playing fighters. I feel like I forgot to mention that
last time. But here we are. We’re playing fighters. And
this is episode two.
CALLIE
I don’t think any of us actually used any class
features last episode.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
That’s the name of the show! We gotta!
HANNAH
Wow! Can we play a jingle over that?
SPENCER
We can’t use them until the last episode. We look into
the metaphorical camera and then just pan to Black.
HANNAH
Does Callie get her cart back for title dropping?
GUNNER
Every time you drop a title, I give you inspiration.
HANNAH
You get like a little surprise!
GUNNER
No, because you would just be talking about class
features all the time.
HANNAH
Are we being dropped back into the scene?
SOUND: TENSE ACCORDIAN AND GUITAR MUSIC
GUNNER
I’ll tell you all a bit about what happened last time.
Our tale begang. Wow.
SOUND: MUSIC ENDS ABRUPTLY
HANNAH
You can say that a second time.
GUNNER
Woof.
SOUND: TENSE ACCORDIAN AND GUITAR MUSIC
GUNNER
Our tale began in Hornetina, which had just become a
less than quiet town as the cold crisp air was filled
with clanging bells and raucous merrymaking. Our heroes
were busy placating Adamans, herding goats and making
profits when two travelers entered town filled with
secrets. After much reluctance, the travelers enlisted
the help of our fighters to return a runaway bride to
the city. However, the weather and the beast
controlling it had other plans as a Great White Dragon
came crashing into the town square, destroying Odette’s
merchant cart, and home.
HANNAH
And home!
CALLIE
I would say that that white dragon is not that great
actually. It’s actually pretty bad.
GUNNER
We return now to our heroes as this dragon looms over
them. Their piercing blue eyes scanning the crowd
hungrily. A sharp toothed grin spread across her face.
SOUND: OMINOUS PIANO MUSIC
DRAGON (GUNNER)
My my my, my ears are ringing. How quaint thinking you
could stop winter with a handful of bells. This
winter... My winter’s here to stay. No, don’t look so
glum. You needn’t worry yourselves with such unbecoming
ceremonies any longer. I insist. As for insulting me
was such a pathetic display, I will let you off with a
warning. For how could it such a backwater town know
the queen of winter was arriving. As for you two...
GUNNER
The dragon looks towards the two travelers with you.
DRAGON (GUNNER)
I can take you to that bride you’re so desperately
looking for.
GUNNER
You see the Minotaur shaking in her boots.
IRENA (GUNNER)
It’s just... are you Alena?
DRAGON (GUNNER)
Ha ha. I’m more like the other woman.
GUNNER
The dragon laughs before lunging forward, snatching the
two travelers where they stand, bringing them up into
the air with her as the wind from her flapping wings
beat down upon you. She flies away. The fog and clouds
disperse, leaving you a bright and sunny day in
complete silence.
SOUND: MUSIC ENDS
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Oh, I guess they got eloped.
GUNNER
What’d y’all like to do?
PIP (HANNAH)
I don’t know what to make of any of that.
LAUGHTER
ODETTE
Yeah.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Well, what do you mean Pip?
PIP (HANNAH)
There’s still a runaway bride out there.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I don’t think she... I thinks she’s...
PIP (HANNAH)
You think she’s fine?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Well, I think we should go check now just to be sure.
PIP (HANNAH)
Yeah!
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I mean, honestly, I’m pretty sure she’s basically...
she’s definitely better off with her dragon wife than
she would be wherever else she was supposed to be
going.
PIP (HANNAH)
See that’s what I’m not...
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I mean, I’d like to think...
PIP (HANNAH)
Is she? Is she married to this dragon now? Did they
elope?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
That’s what I mean? Yeah, that’s what I think at least.
We should go check, no question but I mean, that’s what
I’m working on right now.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
I think we have two separate issues. One is like what
is this familial situation going on? And two...
PIP (HANNAH)
That’s none of our business.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
That dragon really did want there to still be eternal
winter.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
No, that’s absolutely the main issue here but...
PIP (HANNAH)
But also then she left!
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
For now yeah, I assume that she’s just gonna go back
home and then rest up a little bit and then just keep
the party going. By party I mean eternal winter.
PIP (HANNAH)
Okay, but the day’s returned to normal now, right?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I assume that...
HANNAH
It looks like a fine, sunny day?
GUNNER
Yeah. I mean it’s still really freaking cold.
HANNAH
Okay, it’s still really cold.
CALLIE
We’re in like baseline winter rather than like...
Blizzard?
HANNAH
Yeah.
GUNNER
Yeah, it’s still baseline winter.
HANNAH
And the implication from her was that it’s going to
continue to be baseline winter?
GUNNER
Yes. As you guys are talking, you hear in the distance,
Adaman Radinka’s like,
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Alright, everyone, let’s go in the tavern. Town hall
meeting, I guess! Hoo boy
Or just go home if you’re...You know what? If you don’t
want to be involved in this, just go home for a bit.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
I’m gonna go to the meeting.
PIP (HANNAH)
If there’s a town hall meeting, I’m gonna go to the
town hall meeting.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Yeah, town hall meeting!
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Oh, are we all? Oh, okay, I will...
GUNNER
Yeah.
PIP (HANNAH)
Unless you wanted to leave immediately Kin-of... Does
something tell you to leave immediately?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I was. I was just gonna start going. But if we
should... I suppose talking to other people about it is
probably a good idea. So I’ll come along.
PIP (HANNAH)
Whatever you think is best.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Might give us a better sense of what’s going on?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I suppose.
GUNNER
So you guys all enter the tavern. The crowd of people
is a bit frazzled here, just talking in worried
whispers about the scene that was just displayed there.
Just talking about like,
VILLAGER (GUNNER)
Is it gonna be winter forever? I don’t... I don’t know.
Like, I didn’t think like when we were scaring off
spirits. It meant like a dragon. No, I don’t. This
isn’t new. I think
HANNAH
I’m assuming that in all the time that I’ve been in the
village, I haven’t heard anything about a dra... Like,
that would have been a pretty big draw. For them.
GUNNER
Yeah, no, this is very new.
HANNAH
That there had been a dragon somewhere.
GUNNER
Yeah.
HANNAH
Even just to check that out. But also, that dragon also
didn’t seem to want anyone’s business. So, it’s like
"Hmm".
GUNNER
As you guys walk through the town square to the pub to
this town hall meeting, you just see like, Adaman Efim
was like, just popped into his shell and now is slowly
popping out.
HANNAH
Aw
GUNNER
And is like,
EFIM (GUNNER)
Okay. I guess I didn’t put enough bread out today.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
That’s definitely something that I think both of us
should look at later. Did you know about the dragon
part, though?
EFIM (GUNNER)
Um no, that was... a lot. Maybe we should all have a
conversation with you three. You seem to be interested
in what’s going on with this dragon.
PIP (HANNAH)
Um they did snatch two people from right in front of
EFIM (GUNNER)
Yeah...
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I’m pretty okay with that.
PIP (HANNAH)
I don’t mind that that happened so much. But it does
give cause for concern that maybe they’ll do that other
people.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Absolutely. Absolutely, no question.
PIP (HANNAH)
I would rather not have that happen.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Technically our employers.
PIP (HANNAH)
Mm.
EFIM (GUNNER)
Oh...
PIP (HANNAH)
I don’t think it had gotten quite that far yet.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
They were technically my employer.
LAUGHTER
EFIM (GUNNER)
Okay, well,
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Let’s... let’s maybe see what the other Admamans are
thinking.
GUNNER
You guys gather around with the other elders, as
Radinka kind of like tries and calms down the crowd.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Alright, we are gonna figure this all out. As a
community. We are going to get to the bottom of this.
We can figure something out. We... Are there... Anybody
here who’s willing to go up that mountain and fighter
dragon? I guess?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I mean. If it comes to that, sure. But I was... I was
just going to go up there and actually see if I can
talk to them. So if we could figure... figure things
out.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
I mean, if you can talk to them.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
That was my plan. I was...
RADINKA (GUNNER)
I mean, if you guys are just willing to go up a
treacherous mountain...
PIP (HANNAH)
Yeah, we’ll go up.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I was already on my way up after that. But I figured
that it would probably be best, in the town’s interest
to see if anybody had any thing to add or take away
from that.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Alright...
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Were you thinking like a posse situation?
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Like in, I’m going too?
ODETTE (CALLIE)
No, like sending up a posse to go get this dragon?
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Yeah, I mean, any... do you want to be part of that
posse?
ODETTE (CALLIE)
I mean, isn’t a policy usually like 30 people?
PIP (HANNAH)
Oh, is it?
ODETTE (CALLIE)
And not just like three?
PIP (HANNAH)
Is there a number associated with posses?
ODETTE (CALLIE)
I don’t know. I’ve been on the receiving end of a
couple of posses and usually they’re a bunch of people,
and not just three.
LAUGHTER
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Usually implies that it’s beyond a small group of
people and so... Enough to fill like a like a like a
small town square.
PIP (HANNAH)
If anyone wants to join us feel free! But we’ll be
going.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Don’t feel free! You will be a hindrance and will make
it harder.
PIP (HANNAH)
Anyone whose heart seeks adventure, come with us.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Y’all are mixing! Very mixed signals here!
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Come with us to the edge of town, and then go home.
PIP (HANNAH)
To the edge of the world!
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Is there anyone with relevant mountain climbing and
combat experience?
GUNNER
They all look at Pip.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Ah, dang.
GUNNER
The rest of the crowd is kind of like silent. Fear in
their eyes. They are not as experienced as any of you
guys in adventuring, or traveling, or being outside of
the town.
PIP (HANNAH)
Looks like we’ve already got the best of the best. So
do we need to know anything else before we head out?
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Ah, yes, of course. Come with me, you three. Everyone,
thank these wonderful volunteers that are helping us in
our time of need.
GUNNER
And everyone’s like, "Thank you. Thanks."
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
You’re welcome.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Oh, yeah, for sure...
HANNAH
Just as we walk past they’re all like "good game, good
game" kick.
ALL
Good game, good game.
GUNNER
They all just like sheepishly shake your hands and
Radinka takes you in a back room. Like just the storage
room, so it’s very small. There’s now six of you in
there.
SPENCER
I am very cramped.
GUNNER
It’s very cramped with the firbolg, a bearfolk and a
tortle.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
I’m fine. I’m small.
GUNNER
And then there’s also a goblin, a halfling, and an
owlin, who’s also very small. So, it evens out.
CALLIE
On average, it fits.
GUNNER
It’s just three large people looming over...
HANNAH
Everyone else is like looming? Yeah!
CALLIE
It balances out to six human-sized.
LAUGHTER
So what is it that you want to talk about?
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Well, us as elders, we do have our own knowledge of the
land set. It’s beneficial for us to know but the whole
town needn’t know. Too much.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Did you know there was a dragon?
RADINKA (GUNNER)
No,but there used to be, hundreds of years ago, a
dragon cults that lived on the mountain top, which has
long since been abandoned and inaccessible. So we just
thought that was over and done with. That no one would
want to go up this mountain. But I guess someone’s
found all the dark knowledge to turn into a dragon.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
So for clarity, is this a cult run by dragons? Or is
this a cult run for a dragon?
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Well, it’s run for a dragon, so you can become a
dragon.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
So, this was a former non-dragon who became dragon.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Yes.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Oh, that’s not great.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
But it seems since she did not stick around too long.
And she was still collecting people. I have to assume
the ritual hasn’t been fully completed yet.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Oh, the ritual? What ritual?
RADINKA (GUNNER)
I’m not sure it has been lost to history.
PIP (HANNAH)
You did say still collecting people.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
I just assume evil dragon cult equals living
sacrifices.
PIP (HANNAH)
Ah, okay.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Is my assumption. And the fact that she isn’t like,
actually gargantuan sized? She doesn’t look like the
most...
PIP (HANNAH)
You’ve seen a bigger dragon?
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Oh, we’ve seen depictions of them? You just kind of
know.
PIP (HANNAH)
If you know, you know.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
We have this ancient art of telling someone’s power
level.
LAUGHTER
PIP (HANNAH)
Mm hmm?
RADINKA (GUNNER)
And it was not over the power level of what we would
call an ancient dragon. It’s not the mightiest of
dragons, we’ve seen. It’s the middlest of dragons. That
we’ve seen.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
You wouldn’t rate it as that challenging.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
It’s still extremely challenging! I will not sugarcoat
that.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
So you would put that rating as like, pretty
challenging?
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Yeah. Like on a scale of one to twenty, maybe like the
mid teens.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Mid teens?
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Mid to lower teens.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
So just so we’re clear, we as a village.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Yes.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Want one thing and then we as individuals, and Odette
as an employee, want another thing? And those two
things together are: for it to not always be winter.
And then, to get back this person and also the people
who hired you to get this person, right?
RADINKA (GUNNER)
The people that were snatched up?
ODETTE (CALLIE)
I am... I was not really on their side before... But
now that I know that the opposing side is apparently an
evil dragon. I’m like more on their side now.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Right.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
I still want to know more about this situation.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Oh, absolutely, as would I. But I’m just saying that
the very brief time that our new Dragon friend was
here, they stated that their goals are specifically
winter forever, and these people are mine now.
PIP (HANNAH)
Winter foreveris a bad goal.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I would just say that those two particular lines of
reasoning run pretty antithetical to each other. Which
means that I feel like conflict is kind of inevitable
unless we can just sort of be like "hey, can you do
winter when it’s supposed to winter?"
RADINKA (GUNNER)
It’s almost like they’re setting you up for a fight or
something.
LAUGHTER
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I would certainly not, but it looks to be that way.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Terrible, terrible fate we have here.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Do you think we can negotiate them down to winter about
a quarter of the time?
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Three to four months of winter?
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Depending on where you live, up to six months?
PIP (HANNAH)
Is there anything else? Is there anything else you have
in terms of, if it does come to a fight? Any advice on
fighting a dragon that was kept around? In your secret
records.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
I will make myself a history check I guess. Not much
about how to fight them? No. But as elders, we have
inherited some magical items that we could give you to
help on your journey.
PIP (HANNAH)
That sounds like it could be very useful.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Well, first, I want to tell you another thing about
this...
PIP (HANNAH)
Oh!
ODETTE (CALLIE)
About dragons?
RADINKA (GUNNER)
About dragons! About this particular transformation.
PIP (HANNAH)
Okay.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
We believe since the ritual isn’t complete, that
they’re waiting for the midwinter moon to arrive.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
How many days is that from now?
RADINKA (GUNNER)
That is three days from now.
PIP (HANNAH)
How long does it take to get to the top of the
mountain?
RADINKA (GUNNER)
No more than a day and a half? Maybe? If you’re lucky.
PIP (HANNAH)
If there’s no adverse weather?
RADINKA (GUNNER)
If there’s no blizzards going on.
PIP (HANNAH)
Mm. Wow.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Mm hmm.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Aside from magic items, do any of you have a climbing
kit?
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Yes.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Okay.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
We can give... we’ll provide you as much items as you
need, if requested,
PIP (HANNAH)
If requested. Damn.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
If requested because we do not keep inventory and
cannot manage.
HANNAH
We’re not going to think about what maybe you will need
for this. But if you ask for it, we’ll give it to you.
Hee hee.
GUNNER
Like if you say, in retrospect, one of the Adamans gave
us something, it could be in your possession.
HANNAH
Okay, okay. I was thinking maybe you would just be like
"you didn’t ask for it at the time, so you don’t have
it".
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Wow. Thank you so much for giving us all of this stuff.
GUNNER
Radinka goes over to you, Pip, and she’s like,
SOUND: SOFT PIANO MUSIC
RADINKA (GUNNER)
You know, Pip, you haven’t been here as long as other
villagers, but you’re definitely part of this town.
You’re part of our community. You’re one of our people.
Now love you. You’re also definitely not the best goat
herder out there. But you got gumption, Pip. Don’t be
shocked. You just... I saw the tent where you just let
them loose.
PIP (HANNAH)
They returned home! They were doing a very good job of
returning home independently.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
They had to learn that! That was a skill they had to
learn.
PIP (HANNAH)
They learned it! I taught them!
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Okay, never mind. Very good.
SPENCER
To be fair, if you teach...
PIP (HANNAH)
Every goat needs to learn to be independent some day!
What’s happening?
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Alright, let’s rewind. Let’s rewind a little bit.
CALLIE
From the other room you hear
VILLAGER (CALLIE)
Wow, did you see that goat show? It was so impressive!
GUNNER
Okay, let’s restart this conversation.
SPENCER
Pip is just crying owl tears. This poor little thing.
HANNAH
Pip’s eyes are watering.
LAUGHTER
CALLIE
First a dragon attack, then a performance review
HANNAH
She’s blinking very hard being like Mm. Mm hmm.
GUNNER
This is your midwinter performance review. I’m so
sorry. I have to do this right now. But HR does demand
- No, you’re...
PIP (HANNAH)
I accept this with grace and all the formality I have
learned from being in your kind presence.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
I’m so sorry. You are a good goat herder.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
She gives you a big hug.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
I don’t know what I was saying?
PIP (HANNAH)
It’s okay you work so hard. Of course... Of course you
would...
RADINKA (GUNNER)
I work so hard and have so many children! It’s just so
much!
PIP (HANNAH)
It is so much. I’ll help you out the best I can,
Adaman.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
I believe in you Pip. Now you go become that knight
you’ve always wanted to be.
GUNNER
And she hands you this beautifully carved leather
saddle with a elaborate embroidery and leather work on
HANNAH
Oh my god. Pip’s eyes go so wide. Which is a lot for an
owl, whose eyes are already so big.
GUNNER
You now have the Saddle of the Cavalier. Do you want to
read out what it does?
HANNAH
Sure.
SPENCER
That’s the thing you are!
HANNAH
That’s me. While in the saddle on a mound you cannot be
dismounted against your will if you are conscious and
attack rolls against your mountain have disadvantage.
That’s very good. That’s great for Mimi and her four
hit points.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Yes. You protect that precious little goat. (Starting
to cry) Now get out of here. Get out of here!
LAUGHTER
PIP (HANNAH)
I’ll protect her... There’s other goats in this town!
HANNAH
She leaves.
SPENCER
Throughout all of this talk about goats... Kin-of-moss
is just tired.
She leaves before anyone else can tell her not to leave
and she’s gone.
GUNNER
Dust!
Throws the saddle on to Mimi... Yeah, she’s waiting
outside town at the gate.
GUNNER
Runs away. Tears... tears slowly trickling, trailing
past, as you gallantly gallop out of town with your
goat.
HANNAH
And then realize actually there are two people I need
to wait for.
GUNNER
So you come back at the edge of town.
HANNAH
No, I just stop at the gate. I stop at the gate outside
of town.
GUNNER
Alright...
SOUND: MUSIC ENDS
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Well, that was very dramatic.
GUNNER
Adaman Efim goes up to you, Kin-of-Moss and in a
unusual display of affection, pats you on the shoulder
a little bit, and goes.
EFIM (GUNNER)
Now Kin, you’re a wise guy. And I know the spirits
always enjoy a good trick.
GUNNER
I can’t get over the southern accent. Hold on.
LAUGHTER
CALLIE
Eyy, you some kinda wise guy?
GUNNER
Hey, you some...
HANNAH
Hold on. I Gotta wind up my nasal voice.
EFIM (GUNNER)
You’re a wise guy. So you know the spirits. Always
enjoy a good trick. So take this with you, call on
nature, and you’ll find their gifts in this bag.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Oh neat, thank you.
GUNNER
And he hands you a rust colored cloth bag with
elaborate embroidery of nature scenes around it...
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Wow, thank you.
GUNNER
As he gives you a rust colored bag of tricks, if you
would like to read what it does...
SPENCER
Bag of tricks, specifically a rust colored one which is
a wondrous item which is uncommon rarity. This ordinary
bag made of rust cloth appears empty. Reaching inside
however reveals a small fuzzy object. You can use an
action to pull the object from the bag and throw it up
to 20 feet. When the object lands it transforms into a
creature determined by a roll of a d8 die and
consulting the accompanying table. Creature vanishes at
the next dawn or when reduced to zero hit points. The
creature is friendly to you and your companions and
acts on your turn. You can use a bonus action to
command how the creature moves and what actions it
takes during its next turn. In the absence of orders it
acts in a fashion appropriate to its nature. Once three
balls have been pulled, it can’t be used again till the
next dawn.
GUNNER
Awesome
HANNAH
Cute.
GUNNER
And Odette, Sasha kind of walks you out to like your
broken cart.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Ah, dang.
GUNNER
And just like kind of looks at it and goes
SASHA (GUNNER)
Dang that looks like quite the mess you’ve got to clean
- Here. Use my broom.
GUNNER
He reaches his hand out and goes "It’s sweeping time."
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
And you see a broom come flying from out of nowhere,
whizzing down the street into his hand. And he hands it
to you. "Get at it, kid." and hands you a broom of
flying.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
I don’t know how to tell you this but I’m pretty sure
we need to leave right away, so I will not be cleaning
this up.
LAUGHTER
CALLIE
Can I look in the wreckage?
GUNNER
Yeah. You can.
CALLIE
Is there like my chest of valuables?
GUNNER
Yeah, I’d say you have like a safe valuable stuff that
is like... You know how there’s Fire-Safe?
CALLIE
Oh, yeah.
GUNNER
Safes? You bought a Dragon-Safe safe.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
So, it’s perfectly intact.
HANNAH
A fire-safe safe could be in some respects Dragon-safe.
GUNNER
Yeah
SPENCER
There’s a lot of overlap.
GUNNER
There is a lot of overlap.
CALLIE
Oh everything in there is intact?
GUNNER
Yeah.
CALLIE
Okay, so...
HANNAH
Everything you considered valuable enough to put in it.
GUNNER
Mm hmm. And your potions.
CALLIE
I took out all the potions ahead of time because I knew
we were going up this mountain before the dragon
arrived.
GUNNER
That’s very fair.
CALLIE
So I’m gonna take out the signet ring and put it on and
also all of the coins and everything else I’m like
ODETTE (CALLIE)
I’m not gonna clean this up if you want to like look
through here and salvage anything that you think you
want to like keep or sell that’s fine.
HANNAH
The children are already eyeing it up from a distance.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
Children are just like picking shit out of it already.
Getting covered in oil from all the flasks of...
HANNAH
Dangerous.
SPENCER
Oil and splinters.
CALLIE
onO of them just like runs away with like a bent
longsword.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
I’m sure that’ll be fine. Um. I’m gonna leave Dandelion
here. There’s 60 days of feed in there.
CALLIE
And I just point at the pile of...
SASHA (GUNNER)
I’ll take care of your donkey. Um, do you want to read
the...
CALLIE
The broom of flying. Is a wondrous item, uncommon. This
wooden broom functions like a mundane broom.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
That’s it!
HANNAH
You can use it to sweep.
CALLIE
You can use it to sweep!
GUNNER
That’s why Sasha grabbed it!
CALLIE
Until you stand astride it and speak it’s command word
which I think is...
HANNAH AND CALLIE
It’s sweepin’ time?
GUNNER
That... that’s a different command word. There’s
several command words.
CALLIE
That’s the one to get it to fly to your hand?
GUNNER
There is "up, up and away".
CALLIE
Okay.
GUNNER
Um, I think there’s one to send it off somewhere.
CALLIE
Are these...? Oh.
GUNNER
Yeah, there’s more to this.
HANNAH
There’s a whole...
CALLIE
Are they written on this card? Do I need to remember
these?
GUNNER
No. Yeah.
CALLIE
I’ll write it down.
GUNNER
Sorry, I’m making them up on the spot.
CALLIE
Okay.
HANNAH
It’s sweepin’ time.
GUNNER
It’s sweepin’ time is for it to return.
SPENCER
Immersion has been destroyed.
GUNNER
Up up and away is to get it to fly, "Go clean that
mess" is to send it to a specific location within one
mile of you. And it’s sweeping time is for it to return
to you within... if it is within one mile of you. Those
are all the command words for this broom.
CALLIE
I feel like they’re very apt for Sasha. It’s like...
GUNNER
Aw, I should have named one "Bless this mess."
HANNAH
You can change it.
GUNNER
Alright, the one to send it within a mile of you to a
specific location is bless this mess.
CALLIE
These all have the energy of: Sasha got it and they
were like, "Okay, now you get to choose the command
words."
GUNNER
Yeah.
CALLIE
Like you making your email...
LAUGHTER
CALLIE
When you’re like eleven. You’re like "I’m never gonna
have to, like interact with this in a serious capacity,
so I’ll make it something fun."
LAUGHTER
CALLIE
So it functions like a mundane broom, until you stand
astride it and speak its command word. It then hovers
beneath you and can be ridden in the air. It has a
flying speed of 50 feet!
HANNAH
Nice.
CALLIE
It can carry up to 400 pounds, but its flying speed is
30 feet when carrying greater than 200 pounds.
HANNAH
You can really Kiki’s Delivery Service this.
GUNNER
Yeah, you guys could get up that mountain fast.
CALLIE
The broom stops hovering when I land. I can send the
broom to travel to a destination within one mile of me
if I speak the command word, name the location and are
familiar with the place. The broom comes back to me
when I speak another command word provided that the
broom is still within one mile of me.
GUNNER
Alright. You all have been given enough rations,
camping supplies, mountaineering supplies, any supplies
that you would need for such a treacherous journey up
this blizzard peak mountain. Is there anything else you
guys would want to do before these village elders send
you on your way with emotional goodbyes?
CALLIE
I’m just gonna remind Sasha that,
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Hey, a bunch of kids just ran away with busted up
weapons. Just so you know. Okay, that’s it.
HANNAH
I was gonna say that Pip goes and just puts one of the
goats in charge of all the other girls for the time
that she’s away.
GUNNER
The goat gives you a little goat salute. Which is
tapping two hooves on the ground. And then just like
nods and looks at the other sheeps and points their
hooves at their eyes and points at the other goats.
HANNAH
These are some flexible...
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
See that right there? None of that is natural.
PIP (HANNAH)
I think every goat I’ve ever seen can do that.
LAUGHTER
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
And that’s the problem.
PIP (HANNAH)
It’s normal goat behavior.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I want you to know that my opinion of you is dampened
by your relationship to these goats.
PIP (HANNAH)
I can’t do anything about that.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
What do you have against goats?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Goats are fundamentally wrong.
PIP (HANNAH)
Goats are fun.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
What do you mean by that?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Have you ever looked into a goat’s eyes?
ODETTE (CALLIE)
No?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
They’re weird little figure eight pupil eyes. They’re
not...
HANNAH
Covering Mimi’s ears.
Ah!
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Wait what?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Have you never seen what the pupil of a goat looks
like?
PIP (HANNAH)
Don’t listen, Mimi.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Hold on. I’m going to look at Mimi riiight nooow...
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
You’re staring so deeply into her eyes. As Pip’s
covering her ears, and she’s just like looking around
"What’s happening?"
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Yo, what? Why is it like this?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Yeah, they’re all like that.
PIP (HANNAH)
They’re like that. Yeah, that’s what a goat’s eye looks
like.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Why?
GUNNER
To see.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Oh, I think I’ve seen this before where it will like
rotate.
PIP (HANNAH)
I don’t know that much about good anatomy. That’s just
what they look like.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I know a decent amount about goat morality, and they’re
all wrong.
PIP (HANNAH)
Don’t listen to him, Mimi.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Do you think Mimi would side with the dragon?
PIP (HANNAH)
No!
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I want you to know that, of the three of us, I am the
only one who Mimi perfectly understands.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Hey, Mimi. Do you understand Goblin?
HANNAH
That’s true. The import of that statement truly goes
right over Pip’s head and she’s like,
PIP (HANNAH)
Okay, Let’s go, Mimi.
MIMI (GUNNER)
Maaah! (Galloping noises)
GUNNER
Just runs away.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
Doesn’t even wait for you to get on her saddle.
PIP (HANNAH)
Mimi! Mimi I have to get on you!
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
See what I mean? Goats.
PIP (HANNAH)
Mimi, we’re going together!
MIMI (GUNNER)
Maah!
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Okay.
HANNAH
She’s gone!
GUNNER
No, she stopped.
HANNAH
I fly. I fly and catch up with her.
GUNNER
You take the broom and fly away.
HANNAH
I have wings!
GUNNER
Oh yeah.
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
I don’t need a broom to fly!
SPENCER
A well oiled machine.
HANNAH
I take the broom anyways.
GUNNER
I know everything about my players.
CALLIE
What’s your fly speed?
HANNAH
Good question, do... Wait, can I fly?
I think...
SPENCER
It’s 30 feet without heavy armour.
GUNNER
Do you have heavy armor? You can’t fly with armor.
HANNAH
Oh, what armor am I wearing? That’s a good question.
So I’m...
CALLIE
What’s your AC?
HANNAH
- But then it’s 18 because of the shield. I think.
CALLIE
So I think you have chainmail.
GUNNER
Yeah.
HANNAH
So that’s probably heavy? I don’t think I can fly with
that on.
GUNNER
No, you can’t fly.
HANNAH
But I wouldn’t take the broom without a- hmm?
LAUGHTER
CALLIE
Unless...
PIP (HANNAH)
She’ll come back to me.
GUNNER
Anything else anyone wants to...
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Just to double check with everyone here. So we have a
day and a half, is around the mountain time...
PIP (HANNAH)
We are burning light
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
To get up the mountain. And we have about three days to
get there, approximately until the most significant
celestial event. So we have like, a very small margin
for error. But it’s there. It’s there. So how far has
everyone been up this mountain before?
ODETTE (CALLIE)
I’ve never gone up this mountain.
GUNNER
You’re new in town.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
I’m new in town and why would I?
PIP (HANNAH)
I would say a decent way just like...
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Alright, fantastic.
PIP (HANNAH)
Making sure to get the goats around...
GUNNER
I’d say like not past the tree line.
HANNAH
Yeah.
GUNNER
But you’re pretty comfortable...
HANNAH
Prior to it.
GUNNER
Yeah. Being outside the city.
HANNAH
Yeah.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Alright.
SPENCER
What’s the snow cover like? Right now
GUNNER
Oh, she thick.
SPENCER
Okay.
GUNNER
She is. It’s like freshly-fallen blizzard snow. So
there’s like also like, cracked branches, just fallen
over trees covered in thick layers of ice. Like it’s a
nasty scene. Once you step out of town.
HANNAH
We got like a reasonable line of sight though? Like
when she was flying away on a direction, right?
GUNNER
Yeah, it was like up the mountain. Like...
HANNAH
Just due a direct up.
GUNNER
Due up.
HANNAH
It was an up-do, if you will.
LAUGHTER
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Alright, so... Yeah, let’s go!
GUNNER
As you guys are leaving town, Efim like kind of
jogging. Comes to catch up with you. And he’s like
EFIM (GUNNER)
Kin-of-Moss. Oh, I almost forgot this. This is very
important. Make sure to keep it close. And I know
you’ll know when to use it.
GUNNER
And he hands you a hard boiled egg.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Thank you.
EFIM (GUNNER)
Alright. Okay.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I’m going to open up sort of my like coat robes thing
and take out a little bit of cloth and then just sort
of let the dried desiccated other hard-boiled egg that
I have there just let that drop on the floor and say a
small prayer thanking it for its help and wrap this one
up and put it back in my coat.
EFIM (GUNNER)
Good luck you guys.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Thank you.
EFIM (GUNNER)
Bye.
GUNNER
Jogs away.
CALLIE
Does a bird like swoop in and just grab the egg?
HANNAH
Grab that egg!
GUNNER
Yeah! It’s just seagulls on it now!
HANNAH
Seagulls?
SEAGULLS (GUNNER)
Caw! Caw! Caw!
HANNAH
This far inland? That’s an omen.
CALLIE
I think they had seagulls in Calgary, which is perhaps
the most inland you can get.
HANNAH
Oh, damn.
CALLIE
I think it’s just like...
HANNAH
You think they’re just everywhere?
GUNNER
Yes, seagulls have just decided to be everywhere. Yeah.
HANNAH
Good. They deserve to be.
SPENCER
They are not.
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
You can keep your opinions to yourself.
SPENCER
Very aggressive animal takes coming out of this...
GUNNER
very divisive.
CALLIE
You have like, in your mind a chart of every animal
that exists and it’s either like intensely positive or
intensely negative.
SPENCER
Yes.
GUNNER
Okay. Um, you guys make your way out of town. The
thick, crisp freshly-fallen snow crunching beneath your
feet, as you enter the forest. Branches falling off of
trees from the storm block your path as you have to
walk over them, kind of slowing you guys down in the
process. Um, yeah, you guys could roll a survival check
if you want to find a better path.
SPENCER
I am on it.
HANNAH
Do you want some help?
SPENCER
Sure!
CALLIE
Every so often I fly above the tree line to like look
around.
SPENCER
So that is 18 total, 14 plus 4.
GUNNER
All right, yeah, you find like, once you’re deeper in
the forest, the ground was more protected from the
blizzard and the wind and stuff. So you find like a
decent path where there’s no... not too much snow and
not a lot of like fallen branches that you can walk
through and it makes your path a bit easier.
SPENCER
Nice.
CALLIE
In terms of like looking for like creatures and stuff,
I got an 11.
GUNNER
You don’t see a lot of creatures really. You can hear
some kind of like wildlife. Birds fluttering around a
bit. It seems like not a lot of wildlife’s out here
right now because of the blizzard and just the bad
vibes all around. They were like, "Nah, peace out."
LAUGHTER
CALLIE
Cheese it, there’s a dragon!
GUNNER
Yeah, there’s like "Oop. No." So, yeah, there’s not a
lot around. But you just notice like a couple of trees
that have like fallen over, that you can like point out
to help navigate around as you guys are clearing this
forest. Is there anything you guys would like to do on
your travels through here?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Alright, well, so basically where I’m at is the
manacles that they bought are kind of the sticking
point for me. Because if they had already had them,
when they got up here, I’d assumed that they were
people who had done that sort of thing before and knew
what they were doing, and rather to not harm people if
they could. But they bought the manacles as sort of an
afterthought.
PIP (HANNAH)
Okay.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
And not sure where that... as though they didn’t really
consider that they were going after like a full person
who might not want to come with them. And they’ve just
decided last minute "Oh, but we’re going to have them
come back regardless." So that’s why I’m sort of like,
very iffy on this. Anyways, thanks for listening, Mimi.
You really changed my mind on this.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
No one has any comment?
ODETTE (CALLIE)
I kind of interpreted that as, they are just like, have
never done this before and don’t really know and saw
them and were like, "oh, yeah, that would be a good
idea". Like, maybe a bit better than like tying someone
- I don’t know.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
That’s true. That’s true. I just suppose, when it comes
to like, people and restraints, anyone who’s not like a
particular expert at it really, and is going somewhere
this remote to do so. I feel like that’s just going to
end really badly for everyone involved. And so in a
very roundabout way, I hope they’re okay. But at least
they got up the mountain easily.
PIP (HANNAH)
Yeah.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
I think there’s a medium chance they’re already dead.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I hope not. But I also agree.
PIP (HANNAH)
I was getting the distinct impression you didn’t mind
if they were dead or alive.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I mind... I would mind for the minotaur. I must admit.
I’d mind. But otherwise, not so much.
PIP (HANNAH)
Yeah, I think I would prefer none of them were dead.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I would agree.
MIMI (GUNNER)
Maah.
PIP (HANNAH)
Yeah, Mimi, that sounds right.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Thank you for really, like you’ve given me a lot to
think about Mimi. I apologize.
MIMI (GUNNER)
Mah.
GUNNER
Tucks hair behind her ear.
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
She can’t do that.
CALLIE
She’s like
ODETTE (CALLIE)
How did you bend your leg like that?
PIP (HANNAH)
She’s all fur!
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
And now we’re back to square one.
GUNNER
You guys have been wandering the forest for hours. At
this point, I’ll have Kin-of-Moss make a survival
check.
SPENCER
That is all of a nine.
GUNNER
A nine. You would know with how much time has passed
that you should be at least close to reaching the tree
line of the mountain. But it doesn’t seem like the
trees are thinning out at all. You’re still navigating
the dense thickets of this forest.
CALLIE
And so we we have been gaining elevation though?
GUNNER
You’ve been gaining elevation...
HANNAH
But we do still seem to be in the woods, rather than
out of them.
GUNNER
Yeah. Is there anything you’d like to do?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Odette? Hey, hi. Can you see where the tree line
breaks?
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Yeah!
CALLIE
I’m... I’m just gonna go like straight up until I can
get an impression of how far we are until the the
Alpine barrier.
GUNNER
Alright, make a perception check.
CALLIE
That’s a three.
GUNNER
That’s a three.
HANNAH
You could have taken someone up with you maybe.
CALLIE
No.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
With a three, I’d say because you were you’d go up
every like now and then for like the past hour, it
seems like you’re in the same spot. Basically.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Mmm. It doesn’t really seem like we’re making any
progress.
CALLIE
Does it seem like we have circled, or like there’s
maybe some more mysterious reason why we’re not
progressing?
GUNNER
I’ll have... you can make either a perception or
survival check if you want to like check for your own
like footprints because is the snow and stuff. So you
want to see if you’ve been around here.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Do you think you could have Mimi sniff around maybe?
PIP (HANNAH)
- Oh, I was thinking that I would look with Mimi and
see if there were any goat trails that I recognized.
That maybe head further towards the tree line.
GUNNER
Alright, make that check.
HANNAH
What would that be?
GUNNER
Perception or survival, whichever you’re proficient in?
HANNAH
Both.
GUNNER
Nice.
HANNAH
That was one.
GUNNER
Mmm.
LAUGHTER
PIP (HANNAH)
Mimi don’t make that sound. Mimi.
GUNNER
Mimi is like... immediately like starts looking around
like sniffing on the ground but then like hits a bush.
PIP (HANNAH)
Oh, Mimi!
GUNNER
And is just like
MIMI (GUNNER)
Ah! Mah! Wah!
GUNNER
And you get distracted by that.
PIP (HANNAH)
Sorry, I can’t... I can’t look. I have to tend to Mimi.
MIMI (GUNNER)
Bah!
GUNNER
There’s like sap on her face now.
HANNAH
Oh, I pull out like handkerchief.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Well, this is going about as well as expected.
GUNNER
Okay!
SPENCER
What time is it?
HANNAH
Mm hmm.
GUNNER
Um, what time is it? So you guys left around noon? I’d
say around one because it was noon when...
HANNAH
Yeah, I was noon when things went down...
GUNNER
When things went down.
HANNAH
And so we had that conversation, so I would say one or
maybe two.
GUNNER
It was 1 when you left. I’d say four hours have passed,
so it’s five now. And I’ll say the sun sets at seven.
HANNAH
That’s... is that late?
CALLIE
For winter?
HANNAH
For this time of year?
GUNNER
Yeah, but I’m being...
HANNAH
You’re being generous?
HANNAH
You’re like "I want to be kind".
CALLIE
We’re also in the mountains...
HANNAH
We are in the mountains.
CALLIE
Which means sunset can be like kind of weird depending
on if like if you’re in a valley or where the sun...
HANNAH
So true.
GUNNER
Plus, this isn’t our world. The sun could be out for as
long as it wants.
HANNA
It’s the DM’s discretion.
GUNNER
As long as is narratively viable.
SPENCER
Just like "Hey sun, why are you still out?" And then
just
THE SUN (SPENCER)
Because I want to be.
THE SUN (GUNNER)
Yeah, I saw you guys were still out. You guys needed
some help, so I’m here.
THE SUN (SPENCER)
Do you... Do you want me to go?
HANNAH
Aw.
THE SUN (GUNNER)
I thought we were hanging out.
LAUGHTER
CALLIE
I have a disguise kit. I’m just going to take like,
because it has like face paints and stuff. I’m gonna
take whatever the brightest color is probably like red.
HANNAH
Oh, yeah.
CALLIE
And just mark a tree with that.
GUNNER
Alright, you mark a tree with it.
CALLIE
Sort of at eye level, so I can see...
GUNNER
Yeah, at three feet you mark it.
CALLIE
Yeah.
HANNAH
It’s okay, two people will be able to see it.
GUNNER
Or at 2 and six inches you mark it?
CALLIE
I mark it at the... the universal eye level, which is
like...
GUNNER
Which is four feet.
CALLIE
Like someone... like every time they do the census.
They’re like, mark everyone’s height, and they just do
the median eye level. And they... they put out a press
release every time.
GUNNER
Which is like a very wildly differing because of just
how many large and small races there are around here.
CALLIE
It ends up being like five feet.
GUNNER
Yeah. Just at like five feet you mark it.
HANNAH
They just average it.
GUNNER
So you guys continue to walk forwards. And after about
10 minutes, you see the tree again with the red paint.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Aw...
PIP (HANNAH)
Hmm.
GUNNER
But you don’t see your footprints going ahead of you or
anything. I’ll have you guys make a perception check.
CALLIE
Can I instead make an arcana check?
HANNAH
Oh my god.
GUNNER
Yeah!
CALLIE
Ooh, 19.
GUNNER
Mm?
HANNAH
Yeah, I got a six.
SPENCER
That was a 10.
GUNNER
You notice no footprints in front of you. Even though
it’s very clear, you came through this way. And there
isn’t... hasn’t been like any strong wind that would
blow like...
HANNAH
The snow.
GUNNER
Blow away your footprints in front of you. Because in
the forest, you’re pretty protected from some of these
elements. But when you look behind you...
SOUND: LOW DRONING VOICES AND PERCUSSION MUSIC
GUNNER
You see for a moment, little wisps of wind start
covering up your footprints.
HANNAH
What kind of stories are there about like what’s in the
woods? I feel like places usually have stories about...
GUNNER
Make a history check or an arcana check if you want to
think about magical creatures.
HANNAH
Sure. It’s a 10.
GUNNER
That’s a 10?
HANNAH
Yeah, the dice are unkind today.
GUNNER
You know, there’s a lot of creatures that could be in
the forest.
HANNAH
Hm. I do know many creatures.
GUNNER
You know many creatures, and this was history or
arcana?
HANNAH
History. Arcana would have been...
GUNNER
You’ve heard of many a creature.
HANNAH
Creature. Yeah, mm hmm.
GUNNER
There’s been many tales of many creatures that live in
the forest, but only like magical ones would...
HANNAH
Be impacting...
GUNNER
Be impacting your path in some way. You’re not sure,
there’s malicious and benevolent spirits that could do
this. But as you guys notice, the footprints slowly
being erased by some wind, you hear the chittering of a
mischief of magpies nearby. And you wonder how long
they’ve been watching.
SPENCER
I’m going to take my sort of glaive, that I have, and
just sort of moving my hands over the handle and just
quietly reciting the prayers that I have carved into it
to myself. And as I’m looking around, I’m going to
reach into my bag of tricks and lob a thing. So I’m
quietly thinking to myself There’s a group of magpies
there, I need something that might be able to scare
them off. Maybe something else that can fly. And I’m
thinking owl. I’m thinking eagle. I’m thinking kestrel,
hawk, something. And then this little rust colored ball
of fluff that just sort of goes about five feet. And
then just PUFF there’s a little rat there.
RAT (GUNNER)
Rah!
SPENCER
There’s a little rat there, just a little rat guy.
GUNNER
It just starts squeaking.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Oh, hello. Sorry. Didn’t mean to bother you.
GUNNER
It just like looks up at you with its beady black eyes
just like waiting. Just grooms itself a little bit
behind the ear.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
You can come up here for a while. There’s nothing
really done right now.
GUNNER
It climbs up your hand and up to your shoulder.
SPENCER
I’m just gonna like move my like traveling cloak a
little bit. So he has a little place to sit on the
shoulder there just like
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
You can just hang out. Nothing’s needed for now.
HANNAH
Aw.
GUNNER
It just starts chewing on some of your branches.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
That’s cool.
GUNNER
Awesome.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Well, that didn’t work. I’m out of ideas.
PIP (HANNAH)
Odette could go up and...
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Yeah, I...
PIP (HANNAH)
If we want to spook the magpies?
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Yeah, why don’t I try and fly up? Why don’t you try and
fly up to the magpies?
PIP (HANNAH)
Me?
ODETTE (CALLIE)
No, Kin-of-Moss.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Me?
PIP (HANNAH)
Oh, good.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
You can talk to them, right?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Well, I can’t understand them.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Oh, that’s so true.
PIP (HANNAH)
But, you could talk to them. You could tell them to
leave.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I suppose, alright.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
I mean, they... Yeah, they can understand you.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Alright.
SPENCER
I’m just going to follow that up and say
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Here. I don’t want them to eat the rat.
SPENCER
So, I’m just going to fly up there, then and just be
like, "Uh". Do they like, stay there watching me with
their like synchronous spookiness.
GUNNER
Are you trying to scare them away?
SPENCER
Not quite yet. I’m just going up
to them to see if they like stay there and I can get
close enough that I could like,
GUNNER
Like, they hop to like a tree further away, but they’re
like, not going too far away.
SPENCER
Yeah, alright. So I’ll just be there. I’ll just be like
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Hi folks. Sorry to bother you. I apologize for
intruding on your domain here just trying to get
through. I have this pouch of seeds in my... on my belt
here. Can I leave that as an offering so we can get on
through for now?
GUNNER
They like look at you kind of like inquisitively and
then you see them like kind of shoot down like they’re
looking at someone.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
What? What...
GUNNER
Like they’re taking commands from someone or like...
it’s their owner in some way. So they like look down.
I’ll have you make a perception check.
HANNAH
Mm. So many of these.
GUNNER
I know. You shouldn’t put your narrative...
HANNAH
Solely on perception checks?
GUNNER
Important narrative...
SPENCER
That’s a 17.
GUNNER
A 17.
HANNAH
Ooh. Yes. Bringing out those big rolls.
GUNNER
Okay, yes. Fun tip don’t put your narrative beats
behind challenge roles.
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
We’re learning. This is also a how to DM podcast.
GUNNER
Don’t be like me.
HANNAH
First I’m gonna show you how to do it wrong. And then
here’s what I made earlier.
GUNNER
Anyways, we’re editing all the missed rolls out. Wow.
17 on the first roll.
HANNAH
Oh my god.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
Yeah, you look down where the magpies are looking and
you see this short, stout man kind of like crouching
behind a tree and peering over at like where Odette and
Pip Squeak are, and just giving himself like a little
giggle. As you see he has like a large, bushy beard is
like the only thing that’s sticking out of his like
densely packed winter wear at the moment.
SPENCER
Alright, I’m going to try to like quietly fly over to
where I can see them.
GUNNER
Alright, stealth check.
SPENCER
Okay. That is going to be eight.
GUNNER
Eight.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Even if it doesn’t impact how stealthy I am, I’m just
sort of calmly just sort of whooshing over.
GUNNER
You calmly whoosh over on the flying broomstick. And
the man like looks up, but it’s a bit too, like you’re
already pretty close to him and he... has already been
seen. So he like looks up a bit and then just like
waves sheepishly as you come over.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Hello, good afternoon. Good afternoon, friend. How can
I help you? You seem to be having quite a giggle at our
expense. It was a very good joke. I must admit. We’re
just trying to get through here. What can I offer to
sort of have you let us be on our way?
FOREST MAN (GUNNER)
Oh, well. I was not expecting travelers up this high in
the mountains. That’s a bit dangerous for travelers,
don’t you think?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Oh, most certainly. That’s why it’s us instead of
anyone else.
FOREST MAN (GUNNER)
What are you doing in the forest?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
We’re trying to get through the forest to go up to
the... to some... some places past the tree line.
FOREST MAN (GUNNER)
Mmm. Did you remember to ask nicely though?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I’ve left some offerings before I entered the forest
says I always do.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Well, you’re a very good kid there, then for leaving
your offerings.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Well, thank you.
FOREST MAN (GUNNER)
But (sniff sniff) I’m (sniff sniff)
SPENCER
I’m just gonna reach into my coat.
FOREST MAN (GUNNER)
I think I smell something though.
SPENCER
I reach into my coat.
FOREST MAN (GUNNER)
Some sweet, delicious, hard-boiled egg?
LAUGHTER
SPENCER
I’m just going to hand... like arm extended just like
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
May offer you this egg?
FOREST MAN (GUNNER)
Oh absolutely!
GUNNER
You see as he reaches out to grab it, this small
stature, his kind of fleshy hand turns wooden and
lengthens as he turns into this tree-like being as tall
as the trees themselves. With a face carved into his
bark-like skin with twigs and branches intertwining
above his head, forming his forests crown, as you see a
Leshii come and grab the egg.
LESHII (GUNNER)
Absolutely wonderful. I love that!
GUNNER
And just like plops it down his hollow mouth.
CALLIE
You hear it rattling around?
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
(LIKE AN OBJECT FALLING)
Gun Gon Gonk! He says,
LESHII (GUNNER)
Well, you’ve given me a fine egg. But that’s just one
gift. And there’s three of you. I cannot let you pass
through my domain just yet.
SPENCER
I’m just going to do
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Oh, hey, folks.
PIP (HANNAH)
Hmm?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
If you could come over, please. To often the forest
spirit something that we may pass, as per the right way
to go about this.
LESHII (GUNNER)
Tell me a joke! I love a laugh!
SOUND: MUSIC ENDS
LESHII (GUNNER)
A little goof. A little gaff. Let me laugh.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Do you want to hear a fun anecdote?
LESHII (GUNNER)
That’s close enough to a joke.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Well, okay, so the town that we were just in? I don’t
know. Are you familiar with Hornetina? It’s the one
that’s right over there.
LESHII (GUNNER)
I don’t know any of their names, but I know the towns!
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Okay, so all the kids in there. Um are in a gang or
rival gangs? I think? And uhh... what... do you know
about bottles?
LESHII (GUNNER)
Yep, sometimes I find them shattered in my forests and
I get real mad about it.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Okay, well, uh you’re gonna laugh at this. That’s those
kids. Uh.
LAUGHTER
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
What?
ODETTE (CALLIE)
So, uh I guess this is less of an anecdote and more of
like, a tip? Is that if you don’t want those bottles
shattered in the forest, maybe you should talk to those
kids. And...
LESHII (GUNNER)
Boo! That was a bad joke!
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Ah, dang.
GUNNER
And he winds up and punches you.
PIP (HANNAH)
Oh my god.
GUNNER
That’s...
HANNAH
Just an insane amount of damage.
GUNNER
That’s a 28 to hit.
CALLIE
That hits.
SPENCER
What were you thinking narcing on kids to
a forest spirit?
CALLIE
I didn’t know where that story was going when I started
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
That’s 15 points of bludgeoning damage.
CALLIE
Oh my god!
HANNAH
Uh uh...
LESHII (GUNNER)
Those kids sound like a nuisance!
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
They’re not...
LESHII (GUNNER)
Why would you inform me of this? I’m so angry now. Tell
me a joke!
Tell me a joke!
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Wait. Are we not fighting?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
What? No, we’re not going to fight the forest spirit,
calm down!
ODETTE (CALLIE)
He just punched me though!
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Yeah, and you deserved it!
ODETTE (CALLIE)
For what?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
For not... You disrespected the forest spirit.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
I was providing valuable information.
PIP (HANNAH)
We could fight the forest, but that was a solid punch.
Very unnecessary.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
This isn’t our forest!
LESHII (GUNNER)
All I’m asking is a joke! Make me laugh!
PIP (HANNAH)
Ooh.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Okay, fine. I mean, I will give this an offering as
hopefully in response to my Callie- companion’s poor
attempt. And...
LESHII (GUNNER)
Alright, jokes are exchangeable between people.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Why did the bush have a difficult time enjoying the
magic show?
LESHII (GUNNER)
I don’t know. Why?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Because he didn’t be-leaf in it.
LESHII (GUNNER)
Ahahahahahahahahahahaha! You made it a nature joke.
Which makes it double funny.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
They are double funny.
LESHII (GUNNER)
Oh. Double funny. Double gift. Double joke!
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
You’re welcome. Thank you, forest spirit.
LESHII (GUNNER)
You’re free to go! Have fun in my forest and don’t
leave anything behind or I’ll kill you!
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Okay, frigging goodbye, then.
LESHII
Ahahaha! Goodbye!
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Ah... What a gentle, kind friend.
PIP (HANNAH)
No, I hope we never see that person again.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
They’re still here.
PIP (HANNAH)
No.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
They’re always here.
LESHII (GUNNER)
I’m every tree!
GUNNER
He says as his face goes between trees as you walk
past.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Y’all don’t travel in these forests much.
PIP (HANNAH)
I don’t think he minds knowing that I would rather not
see him again. I think he probably gets that a lot.
GUNNER
Alright you guys travel once more. Now...
PIP (HANNAH)
Odette, do you need a bandage or anything?
CALLIE
I will second wind myself.
HANNAH
Take another breath be like (inhales).
CALLIE
Is that a d10?
GUNNER
Mm hmm.
CALLIE
I heal 14 which is...
GUNNER
Nice!
HANNAH
Nice! More than what they...
CALLIE
Just short of...
HANNAH
Oh yeah, they did 15.
GUNNER
I’ll say it takes you till just about sunset to finally
make your way to the tree line as you’ve been
traveling. I’ll have you guys like make perception
checks.
SPENCER
Alright.
CALLIE
Two.
HANNAH
So bad.
SPENCER
I got a one.
HANNAH
Six.
LAUGHTER
SPENCER
Wait... on our dice, did we get 1, 2, 3?
CALLIE
Yep.
SPENCER
Nice.
GUNNER
(sighs) Okay.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
Alright.
HANNAH
I’m setting up camp and I’m not looking at anything
else.
GUNNER
You’re not looking at anything else. As you all hear a
tree snap under the weight of something that falls
down. I’ll have you all make Dex saves.
HANNAH
Oh!
SPENCER
Looking good.
CALLIE
16!
GUNNER
Nice. Kin?
SPENCER
Two.
GUNNER
Two.
CALLIE
Oh my god.
HANNAH
Nine.
GUNNER
Nine.
HANNAH
There’s only one person who did a Dex build here.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
Kin-of-Moss and Pip Squeak, you’re standing kind of
close together as you hear the "Kwa-choo" the snapping
of a branch. As it falls down on both of you. You take
five bludgeoning damage as this branch breaks under the
weight of this very heavy mountaineer’s pack that
you’ve seen recently. It’s one of the traveler’s pack.
You can deduce it fell off of them in flight or
something.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Oh, ow!
GUNNER
As you guys now have more equipment.
PIP (HANNAH)
That was a really heavy pack.
GUNNER
It fell from a very high height.
HANNAH
No, no, I’m just saying I’m very impressed that they
were carrying that at all.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Wait. Does that mean the dragon is above us right now?
PIP (HANNAH)
No, I’m guessing this happened earlier.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
No, it means that this branch was like just kind of
holding on and just cracked while we were sort of...
PIP (HANNAH)
But it means we’re on the right path.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
No, it’s good. It’s a good sign.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Well, let’s look at what’s in here.
PIP (HANNAH)
Would you like to take something from the pack as a
sign?
SPENCER
I’m going to go to people like maybe you could just
hold on to the actual bag. And I’ll just like take a
little bit off the... of like, presumably the actual
mountaineers pack has some kind of tear in it. I’m just
gonna take a little bit of the fabric off of it and
just tuck it away.
GUNNER
Yeah, yeah, there’s like a bit of the oiled canvas that
makes it water resistant.
PIP (HANNAH)
I don’t know how much we need for that bag
itself though. Like we have a lot of our own stuff.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Well, depending on how things go we might have three
more people on the way back down.
PIP (HANNAH)
We could bury this here and...
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Would we find it?
ODETTE (CALLIE)
We should look at what’s inside of it. What if there’s
treasure?
PIP (HANNAH)
Yeah, sure you can look inside.
HANNAH
I hand it to Odette.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
They didn’t buy all of their stuff for me.
HANNAH
I would be very funny if they did, out of character.
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
It would be very funny if you just opened the bag and
it is just your stuff.
GUNNER
LMAO
ODETTE (CALLIE)
I mean...
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Take a look!
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Stuff that did not get destroyed by that dragon. Can I
recoup some of that loss?
GUNNER
Mm hmm. Yeah, you find the manacles that were taken.
You find like 50 feet of rope. You find a couple bear
traps.
HANNAH
Ooh. Are there any letters or missives from... relating
to their purpose?
GUNNER
Sure! You can... you look through it I’ll say... Make
an investigation check just to see how long it would
take you to like ruffle through all of their inventory.
HANNAH
Yeah, okay, we’re going through this person’s stuff.
Pip’s decided to be a little nosy. That’s a 15.
GUNNER
Yeah, you find just kind of a description of Alena,
which is a tabaxi in their like mid 20s. With like gray
fur and like black stripes with some white tips near
their cheeks and stuff. You see, like, the amount that
they were going to be paid, which is 1500 gold pieces.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Oh my god.
PIP (HANNAH)
Jeez.
GUNNER
You find a little pouch of like gold that they were
given to travel with. And there’s 80 gold pieces left
in there.
HANNAH
I just hand that to Odette.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
You don’t want any of this gold?
PIP (HANNAH)
No.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I don’t really think that forest spirits take currency.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Do you not have any money?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I don’t... What? I don’t... what would I use money for?
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Do you? Do you buy things from the town?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I just sort of exchange things.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Okay. Yeah, that’s fair. I’m gonna... I’ll take all of
this then.
GUNNER
And in the note that you’ve read about Alena, it says
she can be tricky to find.
HANNAH
Okay.
GUNNER
You can use this to spot her, and you pull out a
lantern. That seems...
CALLIE
This is different from the... from the lamp they bought
from me?
HANNAH
Yeah, I think so.
GUNNER
This lamp is... it’s like a hooded lantern. But the
glass that the spotlight would come out of is in some
elaborate stain glass that looks like a very watchful
eye.
SPENCER
What an absolutely interesting and very revealing
lantern.
CALLIE
As someone who has created a lot of fake magic items,
would I know what this real item is?
GUNNER
Yeah, make an Arcana check with advantage.
CALLIE
GUNNER
CALLIE
Oh wait, no, this is a 14. 16.
GUNNER
You know, this is a Lantern of Revealing. When lit,
this hooded lantern burns for six hours on one pint of
oil, shedding bright light in a 30 foot radius and dim
light for another additional 30 feet. Invisible
creatures and objects are visible as long as they’re in
the lanterns bright light, you can use an action to
lower the hood reducing the light to dim light in a
five foot radius.
PIP (HANNAH)
Does anybody want this lantern? It seems interesting.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Odette, would you mind holding on to this for now?
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Yeah.
HANNAH
It also looks like we can use it to find Alena.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
That means Alena can go invisible.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Yes, I would assume so. Or at least maybe... Perhaps...
No, that’s that’s what it does.
LAUGHTER
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I don’t know where I was going with that one.
HANNAH
Be like maybe she’s just very good at...
GUNNER
I’m dropping all the hints that Alena can go invisible.
HANNAH
You’re like, maybe she’s just very good at hiding. But
- This just means she can be invisible.
SPENCER
That’s all that it does.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Does someone else want my different hooded lantern that
I brought?
PIP (HANNAH)
I don’t... No.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
No, you can just hold on to that I think.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Okay.
PIP (HANNAH)
Or like I can let Mimi hold on to it. Yeah,
maybe... maybe put one in Mimi’s saddlebag in case
something happens to me. You can still have a lantern.
PIP (HANNAH)
Yeah, so you could probably set
up a system where she could have a headlight, little
headlamp.
GUNNER
Alright, as the sun begins to set after you’ve pilfered
this pack.
HANNAH
Borrowed.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
The sun is setting. It’s going to be night pretty soon.
What’s the game plan? What would you like to do? Would
you like to set up camp where there’s still some
shelter from the elements?
HANNAH
I think that would be good.
SPENCER
I would say that sounds like a good idea.
CALLIE
Yeah, maybe like 30 feet into the forest.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
We should start a fire.
SPENCER
I’m just going to clear some like area real quick. I’m
just gonna sort of go into my things. I’m going to pull
out some feathers, a little bit of moss that has blood
on it, and a bit of chalk and just sort of while sort
of quietly muttering to myself, just mark out a few
different things on a few different trees that are sort
of around us. Then just like bring a few rocks together
in the center. And he’s like,
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Okay, now can make a fire.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Okay, we gathered material for fire?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I thought that was your responsibility.
PIP (HANNAH)
We have a tinderbox.
CALLIE
Okay, if that’s been happening, I’ve been doing it.
HANNAH
I’m assuming I’ve been. I can help you gather material
while that’s going on.
CALLIE
Like as long as someone is doing it. If no one was
doing it, then I would have done it.
SPENCER
Mm hmm.
GUNNER
Mm hmm.
CALLIE
I cast prestidigitation and ignite this fire.
HANNAH
We have a tinderbox right?
CALLIE
I mean, but that gets it to like a full fire
immediately, I think.
HANNAH
Oh. Just the prestidigitation?
GUNNER
Yeah. Cause you can like turn on a fire.
CALLIE
Yeah, it like turns on and turns off a small fire.
HANNAH
Ooh, I didn’t know prestidigitation did that.
SPENCER
Mm hmm.
GUNNER
Yeah, prestidigitation does a lot of things. It’s a
very long cantrip description.
CALLIE
Yeah. I think it’s... It’s different from Create
Bonfire because you can’t use it like offensively.
HANNAH
Mm hmm. You cannot cause offense by using it.
GUNNER
Yeah. And there has to be a bonfire there that you can
turn on and off, basically.
CALLIE
Yeah. Yeah!
GUNNER
So you’d have to like set up you set up all of your
sticks and branches and you prestidigitate. You’ve put
up some tents, if you wish.
HANNAH
Yeah.
CALLIE
It lets you skip the like sketchy first 15 minutes of
"is it going to catch or not?"
GUNNER
Yeah, you guys set up camp very efficiently. And we’ll
come back next time to see what the darkness will
bring.
SPENCER
Ooh.
GUNNER
Alright, that was the second episode. We did it. They
say it couldn’t be done. A second episode of...
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
A second time! I feel like said that after the first
episode. It couldn’t be done.
GUNNER
It’s called a running joke.
SPENCER
They said no one!
HANNAH
So, what? After the eleventh time, someone will laugh
at it.
GUNNER
Yeah! I was still waiting for the third time but yeah!
HANNAH
Uh huh!
SPENCER
It’s called a running joke because I can’t wait to get
away from it!
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
But yeah, join us next time as our intrepid heroes...
No. A different podcast does intrepid heroes.
HANNAH
I don’t know.
CALLIE
Decrepit heroes.
HANNAH
Our ancient heroes.
GUNNER
Join us next time...
HANNAH
Our folk heroes?
GUNNER
To see when these folk heroes... When?
HANNAH
I don’t know.
GUNNER
What these folk heroes do! Who knows...
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
What these folk heroes do?
GUNNER
What these folk heroes do!
SPENCER
What the folk hero doin?
GUNNER
Alright!
CALLIE
Queer as Folk Heroes.
HANNAH
Aw. That works good.
GUNNER
Follow us on Twitter @class_feature . You can also find
me on Twitter @runngunnergunn all the words have two
N’s in it. Anyone else got anything?
SPENCER
No, as always do not look for me. Thank you for your
time.
HANNAH
I think Callie would like to...
CALLIE
You can find me on Twitter @changpowless
GUNNER
Whoo! Alright, okay bye!
Fighter: Episode 1 - Kids Committing Crimes
Wed, 17 Aug 2022 20:02:05 +0000
SOUND: SOFT, TENSE GUITAR MUSIC
GUNNER
Welcome to Ravinova, a land of monsters mysteries and
most of all mischief. Here, the people are warm and
colorful, and the winters long and harsh. Kingdoms have
risen and fallen, songs sung and silenced, stories
written and forgotten. But the one evergreen force of
the land is the Temny forest which reaches out to every
corner of Ravinova. The creatures that call this place
home, always have a trick up their sleeve. Our tale
begins near the craggy coast to the south, in a lively
village hidden in the mountains. Today the village of
Hornetina is celebrating their midwinter festival, a
celebration where villagers don monstrous costumes and
chase off the evil spirits of winter and welcome in
spring. Will our heroes be able to defeat these wintry
demons or will their village fall into eternal winter?
SOUND: MUSIC ENDS
GUNNER
All right, hello welcome to class feature the show in
which we feature classes from D&D 5E. I am your DM
Gunner Gunn, they/them pronouns.
HANNAH
And you’ll be playing the DM today.
GUNNER
And I will be playing today like I think I said. I
don’t remember.
HANNAH
Yeah. You did.
GUNNER
Here we are. They say it couldn’t be done but we’re
doing it. We’re recording a D&D podcast.
SPENCER
It’s a feat none has ever taken
CALLIE
And no one ever will again.
GUNNER
This is the one and only d&d podcast please do not go
looking for any other podcasts.
SPENCER
Other brands are not available.
HANNAH
I’m Hannah. She/they pronouns and I will be playing Pip
Squeak, the Owlin Cavalier fighter today, she/her
pronouns for Pip.
SPENCER
Thank you Hannah. My name is Spencer, he/him pronouns.
I’m going to be playing Kin-of-Moss, firbolg fighter
and he uses also he/him pronouns.
HANNAH
That’s so fun.
CALLIE
Have you eliminated it/its pronouns from Kin of Moss?
SPENCER
Kin of Moss also does goes by it but I figured I
would...
HANNAH
Just keep it
SPENCER
Just like leave that into the actual play. Just like
spice that up because I feel like it’s really important
to me right now.
GUNNER
A secret pronoun.
LAUGHTER
SPENCER
As a treat!
GUNNER
A secret pronoun, spot the pronouns.
HANNAH
Spot The neopronoun.
SPENCER
I only open up my secret pronouns to people who really
get to know me.
CALLIE
That’s when you get to four heart levels.
HANNAH
You can tell who’s been playing Stardew Valley a lot.
CALLIE
Oh my god. My name is Callie I use she/her pronouns and
I will be playing Odette, who is a arcane Archer
Goblin, who also uses she/her pronouns.
GUNNER
Excellent. If you’re looking for more of the mechanics
of these players, we have a supplemental episode zero
where we discuss the character builds, their class
features...
ALL
Gasp
SPENCER
That’s the name!
GUNNER
That’s the name of the show! Their subclasses, their
feats, and their racial features. So if that’s
something you want to know, right now, go listen to
episode zero, and if not, continue listening to this.
All right, we’ve introduced ourselves. We’ve introduced
the world and now I guess, all we have left to do is
introduce the adventure. Tally ho!
SOUND: CHEERY ACCORDIAN MUSIC
GUNNER
It is a bright and sunny day in Hornetina. The
elaborately carved beams of buildings painted bright
red, yellow, and blue stand out against the pale white
snow that cover the rooves and streets. Bleary eyed,
villagers slowly begin to populate the streets, wincing
and squinting from the bright sun reflecting off the
snow. The air is calm and crisp, easily showing each
breath you make. Though there is no real escape from
the bite of winter the people are in high spirits, for
it is the midwinter festival. The quiet murmurs of
neighbours bidding good morning builds as conversations
grow louder and more animated until a cacophony of
clanging bells ring throughout the village. A parade of
furry monsters begin their journey to the centre of
town marking the beginning of the festival.
SOUND: MUSIC FADES OUT
GUNNER
All right. We got our three characters here is we’re
gonna have like little vignettes of what you’d be doing
today of all days, the midwinter festival that is, so I
guess we’ll just roll randomly to see who goes first.
HANNAH
Yeah!
SPENCER
Let’s find out!
GUNNER
Alright
HANNAH
Who’s one two and three? Are you just gonna decide that
on your own?
GUNNER
Hannah is one, Spencer’s two Callie’s three.
SPENCER
Nice.
GUNNER
I don’t know. It’s fine.
LAUGHTER
CALLIE
123456?
HANNAH
Nice.
GUNNER
Oh. That’s smart. Yeah. I’ll use a d6. I was gonna use
a d4. And then reroll on four.
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
Yeah d6. Sounds good.
GUNNER
All right. Two, we’re going with Spencer
SPENCER
Hi!
GUNNER
Spencer. What would kind of moss be doing on this
bright, early morn?
SPENCER
Well K O M would be waking up in their lovely mossy
little tree stump house...
SOUND: LOW DRONING VOICES AND PERCUSSION MUSIC
SPENCER
And, mmm, stretching awake, taking a look at the sticks
of incense that would have been burned out overnight
and replacing them with new ones made from dried bits
of forestry and mulch. Going through their morning
routine of showing praise and penance to the different
spirits of the forest, strapping the very predominant
glaive that they carry with them onto their back before
making their morning rounds to supply the different
totems surrounding the village with offerings on the
little ceramic plates that are in front of them.
Whether that be buried scraps of metal and fabric or
bits of cured meats depending on which spirit it is.
Just keeping an eye on the edges of the town and
leaving offerings while continually speaking small
hymns and prayers under their breath.
GUNNER
Awesome. What is... what does Kin-of-Moss look like?
SPENCER
Kin-of-Moss looks like a large man, except is, partly
by effort, partly by circumstances kind of a little bit
covered in moss with a somewhat predominant head piece
that looks almost like antlers curling around the back
of their head. Alongside of that, a very, very common
looking brown robe type setup, but held on to their
body with a bunch of different waist and one sort of
shoulder-to-waist belts, all of which are absolutely
covered in teeny tiny little scratches, writing out
different promises, prayers, hymns, and affirmations
that they would be bringing their thumb over and
reciting to themself as they go about their business.
GUNNER
You go about your morning as usual, going to your
sacred site of totems and rocks that you’ve accrued
throughout your years here in the Mountain Village. You
go out to monitor the foot traffic coming in and out of
town and give your own offerings in this little sacred
circle. You see already placed as a fresh loaf of
bread, which to you means that the village elder Adaman
Efim has already come and made his offerings and
quickly left to go make sure everything else during the
festival is running very smoothly.
SOUND: MUSIC FADES OUT
GUNNER
You can actually see him at the other side of the hill
anxiously hovering over villagers as they start
dressing up in costumes. About every now and then he’ll
get waved away by someone who’s gotten too annoyed with
him. And he just goes on to the next one adjusting
people’s bells, tightening their ties around their
furry costumes and just being a bit of a nuisance more
than any help, really. Spencer, can you roll on the
race chart for me for Adaman Efim? I am using Jeremy
Cobb’s race table from the Three Black Halflings with a
bit of modification to it just to have races that are
more akin to this area. d12 and a d4 please.
SPENCER
On it! Alright, so that’s going to be a two on the d4
and a 10 on the d12.
GUNNER
All right, this very high-strung, bouncing off the
walls, nervous older gentleman is a turtle for tortle.
ALL
Aww
GUNNER
For a tortle, he is more slightly than other tortles.
He has the average turtle shell size it’s just he’s so
skinny that it like looks very oversized for him in a
way. He just has this very like shaky energy about him.
He wears purple robes kind of just, like very elegant
looking very high status looking man. The most
noticeable thing about him is just his like large eyes
that are just like constantly looking back and forth
and looking all around.
SPENCER
All I can see is somewhere between Master Oogway and
Master of Disguise.
CALLIE
Oh my god.
GUNNER
Oh my god. Yeah, yeah, he’s got like thick rim glasses
that make... just like magnify his eyes
SPENCER
I’m just going to sort of wander over and just sort of
be calm, affirming, present but also try to get his
attention away from other people with a quick
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Good morning. As I’m sure you know, Adaman the sapling
cannot grow in the shade of the oak.
EFIM (GUNNER)
Well, that might be the case but this day is very
important. You know, sometimes the Oak has to shine to
make sure the saplings grow, getting that ground and
grow. We need the winter gone for saplings to grow.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I appreciate your concern Adaman but I don’t think
that’s how trees work. But why don’t you walk with me a
moment and tell me what seems to be on your mind in
particular? Oftentimes, it can be easy to only focus on
the forest and not the trees. I’m full of these this
morning. Look at me!
EFIM (GUNNER)
You really are. I have a lot on my plate.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Yeah, I’m aware, I’m aware. Tell me, tell me. What is
the most pressing concern for you this morning?
EFIM (GUNNER)
Every morning, well, the first thing was to put out the
breads. The bears don’t come.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I saw Yeah, I was there.
That was the one thing. The second thing is to make
sure everyone is dressed and we have enough people
making enough noise. So the winter spirits leave and
spring can come into its own, so the farmers can farm
and we can have food so that we can eat and then
survive another winter.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Mm hmm. Mm hmm.
EFIM (GUNNER)
Yeah. So like big picture stuff.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Oh, yeah, I’m definitely there with the…
EFIM (GUNNER)
Like huge pictures, life and death stuff is happening
right here right now.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
When is life and death stuff not happening?
EFIM (GUNNER)
Usually when I’m sleeping.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Well, then we’re all still here anyways, aren’t we?
Now, Adaman, why don’t we take the thing that you’ve
been trying to figure out the most in particular? Maybe
I can help you address that this morning. Is there
anything major or just every sort of little detail
you’re trying to put into place?
EFIM (GUNNER)
Oh, well, everything is major. We got to make sure
everyone’s dressed up in their costumes. We’ve got to
make sure all the actors doing their silly little plays
make people laugh because you know laughter is the best
medicine for spirits
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I definitely have found that when someone forces me to
laugh, I do find jokes funnier.
EFIM (GUNNER)
Yep. You know, we’ve got to get the comedians there so
people can ask them to tell them a joke.
LAUGHTER
EFIM (GUNNER)
We got to get everyone in town up and at ’em just doing
what we can. And if I’m not there to make sure they’re
all doing the right thing, then they’re probably doing
the wrong thing.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I’m still trying to determine if...
EFIM (GUNNER)
You’re really taking up a lot of my time right now.
LAUGHTER
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Yeah, I’m aware! And I’m...
EFIM (GUNNER)
There’s like 50 people that I need to put bells on!
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
And those five people all just finished putting their
bells on while we were talking.a
EFIM (GUNNER)
I have to go check if they made them right.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Yeah, and you should go do that now.
EFIM (GUNNER)
Okay...
GUNNER
So yeah, Efim wanders off, just being a little menace.
Like a little mosquito buzzing around everyone sucking
the joy out of their faces.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
Jesus.
HANNAH
So, what I’m hearing is this guy sucks.
SPENCER
Eat trash Efim.
GUNNER
Efim, I fucking hate you. People just start like
noogie-ing him, giving him wedgies.
HANNAH
How many times do we have to tell you old man?
SPENCER
I’m just going to sort of wander off. Make sure to see
if there’s anything actually pressing that I can help
with and making sure I’m keeping an eye out for that
goat.
GUNNER
All right, I’ll have you make a perception check.
SPENCER
I’ll do so. So that’s natural Eight plus one for nine.
GUNNER
You’re checking out for stuff. You see a few people
like running out of the main village clearly late to
get dressed for the parade that they’re about to go on.
So most of the traffic is coming out. There’s not a lot
coming in, it seems except for two people but you don’t
really notice anything distinct about them. Just people
walking in with like packs on their back.
SPENCER
Cool.
GUNNER
Yeah.
SPENCER
All right, then I’ll just sort of continue looking for
ways to make myself useful as I go about the rest of my
morning then.
GUNNER
Alright, well, let’s change this scene. Odette. What
are you doing on this morning?
SOUND: SOFT JAZZ MUSIC
CALLIE
So I have my cart set up on the festival grounds and I
have a little fire going with a little campstove and I
have a little pot of... I’m advertising it as apple
cider but it’s just hot water that I have cast
prestidigitation on to make it taste like really good
apple cider.
HANNAH
Isn’t that almost as good as just being apple cider?
CALLIE
It doesn’t have like, the nutrients.
HANNAH
Mmm, what a scam. What a ploy.
GUNNER
A scam.
HANNAH
Everybody drinks apple cider for the nutrients.
LAUGHTER
CALLIE
This is why scurvy is rampant.
GUNNER
So you’re doing your little makeshift cider?
CALLIE
I also have like snacks for sale but it’s just like the
food that I usually have, which is like dry rations for
travelers
GUNNER
By like has like the tiniest bit of powdered sugar, so
they might think it’s like a Turkish Delight but it
just dried meat underneath
HANNAH
Ew.
CALLIE
Yeah, except it’s like twice as expensive as it
usually is. I’m selling the cider for like eight copper
pieces, which is like $8, right?
GUNNER
Yeah.
CALLIE
In the hopes that they will give me a silver piece and
just say like, keep the change as a tip.
GUNNER
So you’re like, really schmoozing these people too?
CALLIE
Yeah.
GUNNER
Oh, excellent. Can you describe Odette to me?
CALLIE
Oh, yeah. So I’m like, three foot ish tall. I have
light green skin and I have a long black braid. I’m
currently wearing like the world’s biggest like fluffy
winter coat. I’m like right next to this fire and I’m
still very cold.
ALL
Aww.
GUNNER
So yeah, you’re selling your wares in the Market
Square. It’s really the only square in town the town
small enough that like the market and where people
gather... It’s all just the same place. You see a
couple stalls around. There’s only like one or two
shops quote unquote, but like not very active stuff and
definitely don’t have like the things that you have.
Like you. You’re like a general store in a cart. These
people are just like, a little more specialized. Like a
little artisan like shops.
CALLIE
Like a cheese shop?
GUNNER
Like a cheese shop.
HANNAH
Like a bakery.
GUNNER
Like a bakery. Yeah, around town, there’s also like,
little like plays going on. You see, like people
tumbling around and acting out very exaggerated scenes
to the delight of the crowds. You see some tents and as
like, little fun things that like kids and families
could go into and be entertained for a little bit. You
see one little tent, a very utilitarian tent with the
sign in just plain text that says The Goat Hut. You see
like kids running around. People are crowding around
your cart because you actually have supplies and stuff
and like have food on display outside while like the
pub is pretty quiet at this moment.
CALLIE
Yeah, you like need to leave the festivities in order
to...
GUNNER
Yeah, everyone wants to partake in the festival. So
it’s very convenient that there is a cart here.
CALLIE
Ah, yes.
GUNNER
But every time they come up and see the prices, they’re
like "Oh. Ugh"
HANNAH
That’s festival food, baby!
CUSTOMER (GUNNER)
So it’s eight? Eight copper? For a... for a cider?
ODETTE (CALLIE)
It’s good! It’s so cold! It’ll warm you right up.
CUSTOMER (GUNNER)
Can I? Can I have a taster? Like a little shooter? Like
a little flight of ciders, so I can decide which one I
like?
CALLIE
I’m assuming to-go cups don’t exist. Would this be like
everyone walks around with a cup?
GUNNER
Yeah.
CALLIE
Yeah, I will ladle like, like, a miniscule... Like a
teaspoon into their cup.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
What do they taste since you put prestidigitation? I’m
sure
CALLIE
It’s... it’s an apple cider like a lot of like cinnamon
and like allspice and like cloves and like some orange.
Like, like, I think Odette at one point had a very good
apple cider.
GUNNER
Yeah.
CALLIE
And she locked that into her mind, as like "I could do
this with prestidigitation." And has been like going
off of that one memory, for like years.
GUNNER
Excellent. This person. They take a drink of it. They
smack their lips. Wow, you really put a lot of spices
in this. I’m not feeling very satisfied from it, but
the flavor’s good. I don’t feel satiated. But it is
warm and spicy. So yeah. Okay, here’s one silver piece.
Keep the change.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Thank you.
GUNNER
I’ll have Odette Make a perception check.
CALLIE
GUNNER
- As like this person was chatting you up, you see
some movement from the corner of your eyes. As he
leaves you see, like kids running away from the side of
your cart. Like clearly hiding something in their hands
as they run away.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Hey! Hey! Come back here!
CHILDREN (GUNNER)
Ah! No!
GUNNER
They run away. They start running...
CALLIE
Do I recognize these kids?
GUNNER
You like recognize, like everyone you can probably like
find their parents if you want or just like, tell an
elder.
CALLIE
Okay.
HANNAH
You can be a narc if you want.
CALLIE
I absolutely am not going to follow them and leave my
entire cart unattended. I’m just like, "Mmm. I know
you. I’ll come back to this later." What are their
names?
GUNNER
Their names are Jaromir and Zenya.
HANNAH
What did they take?
CALLIE
Could I see what they took?
GUNNER
Make an investigation check.
CALLIE
Actually yeah. That’s a good idea. Because if it’s
something expensive. Investigation?
GUNNER
Yeah
Nine.
GUNNER
You just hear in the crowd a’who gave a kid a knife?"
CALLIE
Oh my god.
GUNNER
They also took like a dice set. So they’re also like
playing dice just in the middle of the street and
people are just like tumbling over them like because
they’re all crouched down and it’s just like, this is
very inconvenient kids.
CALLIE
Is there... Is there someone nearby who I trust?
GUNNER
Yeah, you see another village elder there. You see
Adaman Sasha is there just kind of like watching the
festivities. Callie, can you roll on the race chart for
Adaman Sasha?
CALLIE
That’s one and four.
GUNNER
One on the?
CALLIE
One on the d12. Four on the d4.
GUNNER
All right, this slow going, relaxed shouldered man, is
this large, statuesque bear folk. So basically just a
bear.
CALLIE
Just a bear?
GUNNER
Just a bear. You see like the tips of his brown fur is
like graying a bit he has like a little bit of like a
salt and pepper look in his fur. His snout is like
long. His eyes are like a little droopy. As he just
lazily looks around. It seems like him and Ephim are
the polar opposites of what their energy should be
like. They should have switched personalities, is how
it came to.
CALLIE
Is this kind of like the mid form of a werebear?
GUNNER
Yeah,it looks like kind of like Baloo.
CALLIE
Aw, the sloth bear.
GUNNER
Yeah. He is very sloth-like.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Aw, hey, Sasha, can you watch my cart for a second? I
gotta go chase some kids.
SASHA (GUNNER)
Yep.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
(Beat) Okay, bye!
LAUGHTER
CALLIE
Then I chase these kids.
GUNNER
They’re gonna fuckin’... start running! So let’s do a
chase!
HANNAH
A little chase scene!
GUNNER
So we’ll roll initiative for this then.
CALLIE
Okay. 23
HANNAH
Oh my god.
GUNNER
They got an 18.
HANNAH
You’re gaining some ground already.
CALLIE
I got an 18 too, but I got a modifier.
GUNNER
You know what, since we’re here, let’s roll on the race
table to see what race these kids are. Callie, can you
roll me a d12 and a d4?
CALLIE
Yeah. Okay, d12 is five, d4 is three.
GUNNER
All right, these kids are halflings. So their speed is
- Wow, you guys have the same speed, right?
CALLIE
No, my speed is 30!
Ah!
CALLIE
Ah ha ha!
GUNNER
All right, so you have two...
CALLIE
We’re both small though...
GUNNER
Yeah, you have two halfling kids and they’re even
smaller
HANNAH
Odette doesn’t have any kids. Don’t worry. Odette is
childless at this time.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
At this point... But will she catch a child? Find out
next time on Class Feature. Odette, it’s your turn. I’m
Is there any special action you want to do? Or?
CALLIE
I just want to run and dash.
GUNNER
All right, you run and dash you make it...
HANNAH
60 feet.
GUNNER
Basically to them? Yeah. 60 feet
CALLIE
Ok.
GUNNER
Like they have not been able to get away. Never mind
about this chase sequence.
HANNAH
As in real life, it’s a short chase between kids and an
adult.
CALLIE
I’m just gonna, like, Would I be able to get like ahead
of them?
GUNNER
Yeah, you can try.
CALLIE
Okay,I’m just gonna like try and like get ahead of them
and just be like "Stop!"
GUNNER
As you like, try and make like that like wide turn
around to stop them.
CALLIE
Mm hmm.
GUNNER
Someone passes by with like their donkey and cart. I’m
gonna have you make an acrobatics check to get out of
the way of this...
ODETTE (CALLIE)
My number one rival...
GUNNER
It is a very busy street.
CALLIE
GUNNER
- You just barely get out of the way of this cart and
donkey. It goes a little "Wee Snaw" as you pass it.
HANNAH
Aw.
GUNNER
You give it a little bit of a fright.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
I’m sorry, I love you!
GUNNER
But it was enough of a distraction that they’ve now
have been able to get away from you.
CALLIE
Mmm.
GUNNER
You didn’t... you weren’t able to stop them. So you’re
like, right near them as you dodge this cart. And then
they run and dash 50 feet away. I’ll see what happens
to them.
HANNAH
It is a busy festival.
GUNNER
Since, it is very busy.
HANNAH
And they have a knife.
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
Is anyone else trying to stop that?
GUNNER
You see one of them like kind of trip a little bit. But
they just kind of like lose their shoe. Keep running
without losing too much speed. I’m going to see if
there are other adults that want to also help take
responsibility for these children. Yeah, there’s like a
couple that are there now. I’m gonna have the kids make
a check to make sure...
HANNAH
These kids are getting so many rolls!
GUNNER
I know! These kids are the main campaign actually...
It’s just me playing D&D by myself.
HANNAH
I mean, if that was the show they probably would be.
GUNNER
Oh, yeah, they don’t get out of the way. There’s like a
pair of adults that just like look over and they’re...
they grabbed like their arms and they’re like, "Why are
you guys running with a knife?" So you’re able to now
catch up to them if you’d like.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Come on kids. Why? Why you... Why’d you take this knife
and also this dice set? Yes. I also saw that.
CHILDREN (GUNNER)
Oh, yeah. Well, we just thought, you know, things are
too expensive for us. So we thought we would just take
’em.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Why do you even need a knife? Like this isn’t even like
a kitchen knife. This is like a dagger that you would
fight with.
CHILDREN (GUNNER)
We’re gonna throw them at bottles.
What?
LAUGHTER
CHILDREN (GUNNER)
We’re gonna go throw them at bottles.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
You’re gonna throw these dice at bottles?
CHILDREN (GUNNER)
Uh, no, the knife. We’re going to practice knife
throwing skills.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Okay. Um. You could have asked to borrow them.
CHILDREN (GUNNER)
I feel like if we did that, you would have asked for
money.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
I would have asked your parents if it was okay for you
to be doing this.
CHILDREN (GUNNER)
And they would have said no. And so here we are
stealing knives.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
So, you... You know it’s not okay for you to be doing
this. And you also know it’s not ok for you to steal.
But you thought those would like negate each other?
CHILDREN (GUNNER)
Yeah. I mean, it’s not okay to just come into this
village and make big price things.
LAUGHTER
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Okay, I sell things at prices people are willing to pay
for them. That is supply and demand. I am supplying
these items and people are demanding them. Otherwise
they just wouldn’t buy them.
CHILDREN (GUNNER)
You came here with the supply. I don’t know if they
demand... I don’t know how economy works.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
You don’t know... ok.
CHILDREN (GUNNER)
I’m 20.
LAUGHTER
ODETTE (CALLIE)
You’re 20? Oh, ok.
CHILDREN (GUNNER)
Yeah. I’m a halfling.
CALLIE
How old is that for a halfling? Like what... What age
do they reach maturity?
GUNNER
I don’t know, 40?
I feel like you’re interacting with like to eight year
olds.
GUNNER
Yeah. They’re like eight.
HANNAH
The equivalent of age.
Yeah.
CALLIE
I think that...
CHILDREN (GUNNER)
Come on it’s been 20 years and I haven’t been able to
throw a knife at a bottle!
CALLIE
I think that according to a goblin lifespan, I could
not be older than 20.
GUNNER
Yeah.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Um.
CHILDREN (GUNNER)
Imagine going your whole life without throwing a knife
at a bottle.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Would you like me to teach you?
CHILDREN (GUNNER)
Yes.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Okay.
CHILDREN (GUNNER)
Thank you.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Can we do that when it’s not busy?
CHILDREN (GUNNER)
Yes. Here you go. Here’s your knife and dice set back.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Yeah, why did you want the dice set?
CHILDREN (GUNNER)
Just to play games.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Okay, but like, I feel like dice set is like mostly
gambling stuff. Are you gambling?
CHILDREN (GUNNER)
Yeah, I mean, we’re stealing. So yeah, we’re
gambling...
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Do you... Do you want... Like, what do you gamble with?
CHILDREN (GUNNER)
Bottles?
ODETTE (CALLIE)
How do you have so many bottles? You can sell the
bottles to buy stuff.
HANNAH
The bottle economy is good.
CHILDREN (GUNNER)
We steal the bottles as well.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Oh my... Okay. You should give those bottles...
CHILDREN (GUNNER)
We have like a whole bottle ring. It’s this whole
thing.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Wait, more of you are doing this?
CHILDREN (GUNNER)
There’s a child gang and we just...
ODETTE (CALLIE)
There’s a child gang?!
LAUGHTER
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Ok. How long has this been going on?
CHILDREN (GUNNER)
Like five years!
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Oh my god. I do not understand this town at all.
CHILDREN (GUNNER)
It’s a lawless land. What can I tell ya?
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Okay, but like... Like, I’m not going to teach you how
to throw knives if I think you’re just gonna like try
and kill other kids with these knives.
CHILDREN (GUNNER)
We wouldn’t take it that far.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Well, what do you think throwing a knife at someone
does?!
CHILDREN (GUNNER)
I don’t know. My cerebral cortex is not fully
developed.
LAUGHTER
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Is there any way I can convince you to not be in a
child gang?
CHILDREN (GUNNER)
I don’t know. Just take your knife back.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Okay. Yeah.
CHILDREN (GUNNER)
Jeez.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
I will...
CHILDREN (GUNNER)
I’d much rather be in this gang, than have a knife.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Okay, fine. I’m not gonna tell your parents because I’m
not a narc. But please don’t steal from me again. I
will catch you very easily.
GUNNER
They walk off grouchily.
CALLIE
I come back to my cart and see if anything else is
missing.
GUNNER
You come back to your cart and Sasha is there kind of
like has just been like dishing out drinks and stuff.
CALLIE
Just like for free?
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
Yes, just for free! You didn’t give them any
instructions, so they’ve just been doing it for free.
And people are much happier about it.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
That’s fine. Hey, Sasha, did you know there’s a child
gang in town?
SASHA (GUNNER)
They’re jus’ tradin’ bottles, mostly it’s just nothing.
HANNAH
Oh my god.
SASHA (GUNNER)
They’re just bottles.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
So they... they trade them?
SASHA (GUNNER)
Yeah, it’s not really a gang. It’s like, you know, card
games. Kids they play card games and then you trade
bottles.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Okay, they did try and steal a knife so I think that
maybe it’s escalating.
SASHA (GUNNER)
Oh no. Ok.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Like a dagger. So...
SASHA (GUNNER)
Oh no. Oh no. That’s not good.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
That might be something you should keep your eye on.
SASHA (GUNNER)
Oh, thank you for telling me that. All right, well,
I’ve been giving the villagers your nice warm spicy
water. So spirits are high.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
There’s no spirits in there. It’s not alcohol.
SASHA (GUNNER)
Oh, good because I did give it to children.
SASHA (GUNNER)
Okay. Yeah, that’s on me. I didn’t give you any
instructions.
SASHA (GUNNER)
No.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Um. Thank you for watching my cart. Did anything else
gets stolen?
SASHA (GUNNER)
No.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Okay. Thank you.
SASHA (GUNNER)
Did I give things away? No people just...
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Did you just give things away?
SASHA (GUNNER)
No people just were asking for cider.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Okay.
SASHA (GUNNER)
I would offer things when people would be like "No,
just the cider is fine."
ODETTE (CALLIE)
All right.
SASHA (GUNNER)
Like, "are you sure this bucket looks really good? Who
doesn’t like a free bucket?"
ODETTE (CALLIE)
What?
SASHA (GUNNER)
HM?
ODETTE (CALLIE)
You were... You’re trying
to give away like inventory that I have?
SASHA (GUNNER)
Yeah
ODETTE (CALLIE)
You do know this is a business, right? It’s not like a,
like a like a take a penny, leave a penny. Take a
copper, leave a copper?
LAUGHTER
CALLIE
And then I sort of like to the crowd like,
ODETTE (CALLIE)
All right. All right. Our sale of free cider is now
over. Now it’s back to the price it was before.
CALLIE
I’m gonna take some of the like, more easily accessible
weapons and just like hang them like slightly higher
and farther into the cart.
GUNNER
Excellent. Pip Squeak!
HANNAH
Hello
SOUND: LIGHT, CHEERFUL FLUTE MUSIC
GUNNER
What have you been up to this morning?
HANNAH
This morning? Started as it always does. Me already
awake in the field with my goat looking for any goats
that might have gotten into places that they shouldn’t
be, and then just make it our way into the town.
GUNNER
Awesome. What does Pip Squeak look like?
HANNAH
Pip Squeak is a brown owl. Somewhere between three and
four feet? Hard to tell with the feathers. And I have
not thought about what she’s wearing. But she’s wearing
something appropriate to the setting. Yeah.
GUNNER
Excellent.
HANNAH
That about sums her up.
GUNNER
All right, you have approached town?
HANNAH
Yeah, I’ve approached town. Pip had set up a... I’m
assuming it would... it would make sense to set up a
tent the night before. Or like the day before
operation.
GUNNER
Yeah.
HANNAH
And so as you mentioned earlier, there is just a plain
tent that says, I believe you said "goat hut".
GUNNER
Yeah.
HANNAH
Just Goat Hut out front. And so Pip sort of like
shepherds all the goats and there’s... riding Pip
around them to sort of like herd the goats in through
the little like tent flap. And they
PIP (HANNAH)
All right. All right. All of you get in there. Get on.
Go on. Don’t leave your foot out.
GOAT (GUNNER)
Aah. Baah.
PIP (HANNAH)
Alright.
GUNNER
You just see like, because it’s in a tent, there’s just
loose fabric. Every now and then a goat just starts
wandering out of the tent flaps.
LAUGHTER
GOAT (GUNNER)
Aah.
HANNAH
I set Mimi to patrol around the edges of the tent to
keep the other goats in line.
GUNNER
Mimi has very serious goat eyes. Like just circling the
tent.
HANNAH
Mm hmm.
CALLIE
It’s like getting a 10 year old to supervise a bunch of
8 year olds.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
Yeah. Mimi is taking their job very seriously.
HANNAH
Yeah. She’s a serious goat. Serious kinda girl.
GUNNER
So you set up your little goat tent.
HANNAH
Yeah!
GUNNER
Your goat hut. You’re there to do an event. You wanted
to participate.
HANNAH
People...
SOUND: MUSIC ENDS
GUNNER
Oh my god. There’s a spider! Oh, it’s descending. Oh,
it’s right near your mic.
CALLIE
Hmm!
HANNAH
Oh! Oh, my God.
SPENCER
Hello miss...
GUNNER
Oh.
CALLIE
Hmm!
SPENCER
HANNAH
All right! Continuing the set.
GUNNER
We have been saved.
HANNAH
We have been saved.
GUNNER
Thank you, Spencer. Our hero.
HANNAH
That spider was simply having a nice time.
GUNNER
(MAKES DISGUSTED NOISES)
I know.
HANNAH
She wanted to be part of the pod.
CALLIE
Hmm!
HANNAH
I’ll leave...
SOUND: LIGHT, CHEERFUL FLUTE MUSIC
GUNNER
So Pip Squeak. You’re in your tent.
HANNAH
Yes, we join Pip in the goat tent. I don’t know. I
don’t know if anyone’s going to come into the goat
tent. And I’m picturing it being somewhat like, like a
petting zoo type situation. People can come in...
GUNNER
Right.
HANNAH
...and pet the goats. They are friendly.
GUNNER
I’d say...
HANNAH
There’s nothing like necessarily super inviting about
the tent. It’s just...
GUNNER
Yeah.
HANNAH
It’s just there.
GUNNER
I was gonna say it’s very like bare bones on the
outside.
HANNAH
Yeah.
GUNNER
So you’re not getting like a lot of attention, but...
HANNAH
But if people do come in, after I would say about like
five or ten minutes, if the people are still there, Pip
will be like
PIP (HANNAH)
Alright, (2 claps) Showtime, ladies!
HANNAH
And she gets out like three little hoops and sets them
up in front of like the back end of the tent, and the
goats all sort of like line up. And then one by one
they sort of like jump through. And then they jump back
through. And then she sort of like sets up another
bunch of hoops.
GUNNER
Aw.
HANNAH
A little bit in front. So there’s like three at the
back and two. So one row of goat goes through the back
while the other one goes in the other direction through
their front. And she’s like
PIP (HANNAH)
Ugh perfect form. Looking great. Oh, Sasha, nice jump.
GUNNER
So many Sashas in town.
LAUGHTER
CALLIE
Was this goat named after the Adaman?
HANNAH
Who can say? We just don’t know.
GUNNER
Who can say?
SPENCER
Any relations to persons living or dead by goats in
this performance are purely coincidental.
GUNNER
That’s a really long sentence to put under your sign.
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
It’s in very small font.
GUNNER
You put on the show and they start counting the sheep.
SOUND: MUSIC ENDS
AUDIENCE MEMBER (GUNNER)
One, two...
PIP (HANNAH)
You don’t... you don’t have to count them.
AUDIENCE MEMBER (GUNNER)
...Three, four. I’m sleepy. This is a sleepy tent.
Wait, this isn’t... Is this sheep?
PIP (HANNAH)
These are not sheep. These are goats.
AUDIENCE MEMBER (GUNNER)
Oh, never mind, I’m fine, then actually.
LAUGHTER
AUDIENCE MEMBER (GUNNER)
I’m awake now.
PIP (HANNAH)
Oh, you’re...
AUDIENCE MEMBER (GUNNER)
Yeah, thank you for the show! Wow, wonderful.
PIP (HANNAH)
You’re. Very welcome. Please enjoy the rest of the
festival.
AUDIENCE MEMBER (GUNNER)
I will. This is great! Martha! Did you see this goat
tent?
PIP (HANNAH)
Excuse me I have to go adjust the sign. These are not
sheep.
LAUGHTER
MARTHA (GUNNER)
Oh my god, there’s goats in here!
PIP (HANNAH)
Yeah! There are goats!
MARTHA (GUNNER)
Who put the goats in here? Did you put the goats in
here?
PIP (HANNAH)
I am the goat herder of this town presently.
MARTHA (GUNNER)
Oh my god...
PIP (HANNAH)
These are not my goats, but they’re the town’s goats. I
have one goat she’s over there. That’s Mimi. Say Hi,
Mimi.
MIMI (GUNNER)
Baah.
MARTHA (GUNNER)
Wow, that’s so cute.
PIP (HANNAH)
Yeah!
MARTHA (GUNNER)
I love it. Shut up. Anyway, this was fun goodbye.
PIP (HANNAH)
Goodbye enjoy the festival!
MARTHA (GUNNER)
Will do!
CALLIE
I want there to be like, like a BlogTO or like a
Hornetina that’s like "Did you know: Hornetina’s winter
festival’s best kept secret is The Goat Hut. You need
to go I know it looks unassuming
GUNNER
You need to goat. Goat tent? The G.O.A.T. of the
festival.
HANNAH
Question mark, exclamation mark!
GUNNER
After a bit of time, a few people trickle in and out of
the goat tent.
HANNAH
Yeah, it makes no effort to encourage or dissuade them
from being present in the tent.
GUNER
You’re simply participating.
HANNAH
Simply participating.
GUNNER
As the day goes on, one of the village elders enters to
check on you. It is Adaman Radinka. Would you like to
roll the race of Adaman Radinka?
HANNAH
We have a three on the d4 and a five on the d12.
GUNNER
You see this short, muscular, halfling woman enter your
tent, her red curly hair going gray on the temples. You
see their wide warm brown eyes, wearing like these
earth tones. Bundled up in a little like bit of fur.
PIP (HANNAH)
Everyone! Attention! Attention. The Adaman is here.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Now, there’s no... There’s no
ALL
(GOAT NOISES)
HANNAH
All the goats sort of like line up. And like Mimi
marches out to the front and is like bop bop.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
What a lovely display. You don’t have to do that for
- I’m just here checking in on you.
PIP (HANNAH)
Not at all. Not at all, Adaman Radinka. It’s no
trouble.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Oh, but it is. I’m just a humble woman. I’m just here,
making sure everything is running smoothly. And it
seems...
PIP (HANNAH)
Yeah, Goat Hut. Ship shape.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Everything is in tip top shape. You shouldn’t work
yourself to death there honey. You should...
PIP (HANNAH)
Just working as hard as I need.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Well, I need you to go have some fun.
PIP (HANNAH)
Hm?
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Go have some fun. You know...
PIP (HANNAH)
I, (Pip winks) shall patrol the festival.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Go have a drink. Just relax. It’s fine. It’s supposed
to be a fun day.
PIP (HANNAH)
I see what you’re saying, Adaman Radinka. Don’t you
worry.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
No, you don’t. I...
PIP
Goats! Disperse!
RADINKA (GUNNER)
I do not have...
HANNAH
The goats leave the tent.
LAUGHTER
VILLAGER (GUNNER)
Ah what the fuck are all those goats doing here?
SPENCER
Somewhere across the plaza, Kin-of-Moss is just staring
at all of these goats, palpably distraught.
HANNAH
Pip hangs up a little closed sign at the front of the
goat tent. And it’s like
PIP (HANNAH)
Alright, I’ll go have fun...
HANNAH
Pip winks and just to trots off with Mimi.
GUNER
All right, so you’re... patrolling?
HANNAH
Yep.
GUNNER
Now, excellent. So you trot out of your...
HANNAH
Yeah.
GUNNER
Out of your hut. You see goats just wandering around.
Some of...
They’re doing it in like an orderly fashion.
GUNNER
They’re making their way back to the farm.
HANNAH
Yeah
GUNNER
But, there are some people wearing like, some funky
costumes. Some of them are made out of like hay coats
and stuff.
HANNAH
Chaos.
GUNNER
The goats just start grazing on one of them. There’s
like a lot going on. Seems like it’s even getting even
livelier out here as people are excitedly watching,
seeing all of like the outfits and stuff.
HANNAH
Do I see any suspicious activity?
GUNNER
Yeah, make a perception check.
HANNAH
I wouldn’t want anything to get too dangerous. While
everyone’s just trying to have a fun time. That is a
non-nat 20.
GUNNER
There isn’t anything too nefarious going on. You do see
two people walking into The town square. Clearly not
from here. Doesn’t even seem like they’re from like,
anywhere too too close by.
HANNAH
Okay
GUNNER
Like there’s some like farms and stuff...
HANNAH
Right.
GUNNER
Farmers would come here for the festival. These look
like people in... geared up to climb a mountain. And
they do not look happy about it. They seem to be like
grumbling at each other.
HANNAH
Okay
GUNNER
As they enter The Creaky Wagon, the one pub in town,
seemingly like they’re getting food or something.
Maybe.
HANNAH
Oh, hmm. I clippity clop on over there and figure I’ll
go in. See what these strangers have to say,
GUNNER
All right, you clippety clop in.
HANNAH
I leave Mimi at the front. I don’t think she’s
necessarily welcome in the bar.
GUNNER
You leave Mimi at the front. She gives you a little
like goat salute.
CALLIE
How did you bend your leg like that?
LAUGHTER
MIMI (GUNNER)
Aah!
HANNAH
Her goat salute is just to stamp or foot two times?
ALL
Aw.
GUNNER
She drags her hoof in the ground two times and then
stand incredibly still.
SPENCER
Why, yes, actually Mimi would like to live deliciously.
GUNNER
And head pointed straight out, as she watches.
HANNAH
And I’m like
PIP (HANNAH)
At ease Mimi.
GUNNER
She brings her head back in and relax a little bit.
Does a little circle around.
HANNAH
Yes
GUNNER
And lies down, nestled up to like...
HANNAH
There’s like a water trough or something.
GUNNER
Yeah, by the water trough.
HANNAH
Aw.
GUNNER
So, yeah. You enter.
HANNAH
All right. I go on inside.
GUNNER
You enter The Creaky Wagon. The pub is pretty sparse,
except for the two travelers you saw coming in. They
sit down at the bar, relieving themselves of the packs
that they had been carrying. You see, like a younger
couple there with like a baby just trying to get away
from the noise. And you see a woman and an older man,
the woman is reading the man’s Tarot. Okay. And this is
the scene you come into. What would you like to do?
HANNAH
I’m just... I’m gonna go over up to the bar and
probably just introduce myself.
GUNNER
To the travelers?
HANNAH
Yeah. A big
PIP (HANNAH)
Hey, I couldn’t help it. I notice you guys walk and I
don’t think I’ve seen your faces before. Yeah, welcome.
No Hornetina. Is there anything in particular you’re
looking to do here?
GUNNER
You approach and you sit at the stool next to them.
HANNAH
And crank it up.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
You crank up the stool. It takes like, an uncomfortable
amount of time. You’ve finished your whole sentence
before it’s even cranked up.
HANNAH
Yeah, I’m still...
GUNNER
And they wait for the final crank before they talk to
you. I will have you roll on the race chart to see who
these people are.
HANNAH
Yeah. Sure. Would someone else like to roll for the
second person?
GUNNER
I will roll, I guess.
HANNAH
Sure!
GUNNER
If you’re offering.
HANNAH
Yeah!
GUNNER
All right.
HANNAH
I got a two on the d4 and a 12.
GUNNER
12 on the d12?
HANNAH
Yeah
GUNNER
Roll again!
HANNAH
That’s a two.
GUNNER
All right, and I’ll roll as well. I got an eight on the
d12. And two on the d4. All right, you see before you
they turn towards you...
HANNAH
At the same time?
GUNNER
Yeah, at the same time, they look as they were... were
kind of bent over talking to each other in a whispered
conversation. They look over to you both extremely
large and bulky in stature.
HANNAH
Mm hmm.
GUNNER
One of them is a silver dragon born just looks over
with these almost glassy gray eyes. Kind of squinting
at you. The other is this hulking Minotaur with like,
large protruding horns. She looks over at you too, and
is just... They’re rather confused why you’re talking
to them. When you see the Dragonborn answers.
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
Were just um climbing the mountain. We’re just in town
for a little bite to eat and then we’re leaving.
PIP (HANNAH)
Okay!
HANNAH
From what I know about the mountain, is it a good time
of year to be climbing it? Or is it kind of dangerous
this time of year?
GUNNER
Absolutely not a good time.
HANNAH
Bad time.
GUNNER
To climb the mountain. This town is like the final town
before like the tree line ends.
HANNAH
Right.
GUNNER
And it becomes rocky and craggy.
HANNAH
Really inhospitable?
GUNNER
And you don’t really know of anything up the mountain
that people would want
HANNAH
Right.
PIP (HANNAH)
Climb the mountain you say?
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
Yeah, that’s what we’re gonna do.
PIP (HANNAH)
Pretty dangerous. Pretty dangerous climb. Almost
certainly a deadly climb. Just in case you didn’t know
I don’t know if you know that. You since you’re not
locals, obviously.
GUNNER
The Minotaur says
MINOTAUR (GUNNER)
That’s what I’ve been saying. Why are we even going up
this
mountain?
GUNNER
The Dragonborn’s like,
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
Shh. Just we got to climb the mountain. Alright? It’s
no big deal.
We’ll get... we’ll be fine.
PIP (HANNAH)
What do you... what do you got packed for a mountain
climb? Like are you prepared? I just want to make sure
you have good preparation for climbing a mountain. This
is your last stop that
you’re gonna see people at. It’d be a real shame if no
one made sure you actually had appropriate climbing
equipment.
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
Yeah, we got rope, pitons. We’ve got harnesses, we’ve
got rations. We’ve got mountain boots, you know, the
spiky boots.
PIP (HANNAH)
Fur lined ones?
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
Fur lined. Yes.
PIP (HANNAH)
Okay. You don’t have a guide or anything?
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
Are you offering? Is that why you’re talking to us
here,
PIP (HANNAH)
I could be a guide. If you want, I’m just checking, I
think it could be a good idea to have a local person
guide you. Might have a better chance of survival. I am
in charge of a goat herd at the moment, though. So I
may not be the best option. But there are some elders
you could talk to, and they could see if anyone in town
is a better fit.
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
I think we’re good. I think we’re good.
HANNAH
Do they look like they’re good? I don’t think they look
like they’re good.
GUNNER
You can make an insight check.
HANNAH
No, I’m just gonna go with my own bad. I don’t think
they look that good.
GUNNER
You don’t think they’re good?
HANNAH
But I also think they clearly don’t want my help.
GUNNER
Mm hmm.
PIP (HANNAH)
So well just make sure you stick around for the
festival. Have a good time before you go.
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
I think we’ll be going soon. We want to make sure it’s
still nice and sunny by the time we get up there.
PIP (HANNAH)
So you’re not planning to spend the night? If this is
your last stop before you get further up the mountain
is the last spot you’re gonna have a really good chance
at a good night’s sleep and everything. But I hope you
have a great time. I’ll be seeing you.
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
Thanks
HANNAH
I hop off the stool and like, flap a little bit to get
down.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
They go back to eating their meal and stuff and having
more of like a whispered conversation where they seem
perturbed that they’re having to do this task. And it
seems like they’re arguing back and forth about like,
why they’re going up there. Just as you’re walking away
and you’re not getting like actual any...
HANNAH
Yeah.
GUNNER
Particular detail.
HANNAH
These... This is just the vibe that I’m...
GUNNER
Unless you wanna like eavesdrop, or anything.
HANNAH
(BEAT)
No, no, I don’t think I’ll be eavesdropping.
GUNNER
Okay!
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
That’s fine!
HANNAH
You have the one person who probably would simply not
eavesdrop on a conversation.
GUNNER
You’re the only person who rolled high enough
perception though.
HANNAH
Would you like me to be able to simply overhear
something conveniently?
GUNNER
No, it’s a mystery.
HANNAH
Yeah, I think it’s good to have it be a
mystery. I appreciate a good mystery. And I appreciate
being a character who is deeply uninterested in her
surroundings.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
It really moves the plot along.
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
It doesn’t though.
GUNNER
So do you exit the pub? What are you What do you want
to do now?
HANNAH
Is there... I don’t know if the barkeep would have any
useful information because they’ve been there for about
the same time that I have. And these new people. They
really didn’t care to talk at all. They didn’t want to
be charmed. Not even one bit.
GUNNER
Did you want to make charisma checks?
HANNAH
No, it’s too late now.
GUNNER
Oh, I’m sorry. You could.
HANNAH
No, I didn’t want to be making charisma checks.
GUNNER
Okay.
HANNAH
It just depended on who they were as people. And as
people, they were not having it.
GUNNER
No.
HANNAH
They didn’t want to help them they didn’t want to talk.
GUNNER
No.
HANNAH
Really moves the plot along.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
Why I oughta... We’ll cut back to Kin-of-Moss as you’re
keeping your eye out for goats. And as the cacophony of
bells ringing becomes quieter and quieter as you’re on
the edge of town. The belting of goats becomes louder
and louder as you see them start to walk out of town,
grazing on like some plants that people have like put
outside just to have nice decoration some winter
garlands.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Hey, get that out of your mouth.
GOAT (GUNNER)
Baah.
SPENCER
Just like pull some soggy grass out of their mouth.
GOAT (GUNNER)
Aah!
That goat does not sound well. That sounds like a sick
goat. A rabid goat.
GOAT (GUNNER)
(SNORTS AND RETCHES)
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I’m pretty sure you were all told to go home now.
Right?
GOAT (GUNNER)
Maah.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
All right. Where’s where’s your... ugh? Where’s Squeak?
GOAT (GUNNER)
Maah?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
All right, look, a lot of you get home get going before
it gets too late in the day. And don’t let me catch you
snacking on anything else now right?
GOAT (GUNNER)
Mu Ahh?
LAUGHTER
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Oh, yeah? You want to you want to play this game with
me? You’re talking an awful lot of smack for someone
with two drinkin’ horns stuck to their head.
GOAT (GUNNER)
Mah.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Yeah, I thought so. Off you go.
GUNNER
Walks away.
SPENCER
And I’m just going to sort of follow this trail of
goats back to where I think it came from.
GUNNER
As you are approaching town. It’s become the height of
the festival. The parade has entered the town square
and is now mingling with the other villagers. They’re
ringing bells and telling jokes and just having a
jovial time as the whole village is now gathered
together for this festival. And as you slowly approach,
huffing about goats and Pip, you feel cold air come
bellowing towards you. As the village starts to be
engulfed in a cold fog, the temperature drops
noticeably. You notice surfaces frosting over in thick
layers of ice as cold front seems to be coming into
town. It really hasn’t put anyone’s mood down. It’s not
unusual for a foggy day, especially up this high in the
mountains. But it has put a damper on the bright sunny
day that it used to be.
SPENCER
As I’m walking into town I’m just going to reach into a
pouch that has a few dried burrs in it and I’m just
going to crush them between my hands and mutter a
little hymn to the sun spirit as I’m walking back. Just
sort of looking around to see if I see anyone focusing
too much on like their words but not talking to anyone.
Seeing if anyone’s like looking intently at the sky
just in case I feel like someone’s doing this.
GUNNER
All right, make a perception check.
SPENCER
And that’s going to be a total of seven.
GUNNER
You see Adaman Efim is there. You see him also like
rubbing his hands and whispering stuff and just like
pacing around, seeming very displeased that there is
fog here ruining his perfect day.
SPENCER
Yeah.
HANNAH
Mm hmm.
GUNNER
You see Radinka talking to Sasha and you hear Radinka
be like
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Now what’s... the bottle gangs have gotten? Knives now?
I will go make sure that this bottle gang is put to
rest. We put a cap on this bottle gang.
GUNNER
And Sasha’s like
SASHA (GUNNER)
Yeah, kids will be kids. Haven’t we all broken a bottle
or two in our day? All turns out all right.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Yeah.
SASHA (GUNNER)
We all have to touch the stove you know? Make sure it’s
hot.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
I Do not know what you’re talking about!
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
That reminds me Sasha...
RADINKA (GUNNER)
Children should not be bleeding from bottles
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
That reminds me Sasha, here’s your burn ointment. You
asked me for the other day and I’m just going to hand
him a little pouch.
SASHA (GUNNER)
Thank you.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Stop touching the stove.
RADINKA (GUNNER)
How did you become a village elder is my question?
SASHA (GUNNER)
Some people think I have a wise aura. Anyone want a
bucket?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
No. Is that your bucket?
SASHA (GUNNER)
No. I just kind of... walked away... I should go give
this back.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Is that Odette’s bucket?
SASHA (GUNNER)
Yeah.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Do you want me to... I can take it. I was gonna go that
way.
SASHA (GUNNER)
Yeah, there you go.
GUNNER
All right. You go to Odette’s. Odette, is there
anything you’re doing at this time, now that it’s kind
of like fogged over people seem to be like less
interacting with your cart now?
CALLIE
Are people like going inside? Like is it that cold? Or
is it?
GUNNER
Like you should be getting a full day of customers. But
yeah, they are dissipating.
CALLIE
I’m going to try and stick it out. I’m going to throw a
couple more logs on my fire and...
HANNAH
Brighten things up.
CALLIE
Hang out with my donkey.
GUNNER
As you try and stick it out. The crowd is dissipating.
You see a large Dragonborn and their even larger
Minotaur friend come up looking very disgruntled about
this fog. And they’re like
MINOTAUR (GUNNER)
Do you have like a lantern or anything we could have?
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Oh boy, do I. You adventurers?
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
You could say that.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
I’ve a lot of stuff that’s very useful to adventurers.
Are you going to climb the mountain?
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
Yes, we’re climbing the mountain.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Do you want a grappling hook?
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
How much?
ODETTE (CALLIE)
The grappling hook, three gold.
MINOTAUR (GUNNER)
All right,what else you got?
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Why don’t you take a look?
CALLIE
I sort of open up my cart. So like some of the things
that were like hanging on the interior of a door and
now facing out so they can see it.
HANNAH
The knives are a little bit closer to the front.
CALLIE
The knives are out.
GUNNER
They will take a tinderbox. They’ll take like a couple
of tinder boxes.
HANNAH
So, they weren’t ready. So they did need more supplies.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
They’ll take a couple of flasks of oil, a hooded
lantern, they’ll take manacles. They’ll take a hunting
trap.
HANNAH
Manacles?
GUNNER
Yeah, and they’ll take your grappling hook.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
All right, so that’ll be 16 gold and five silver.
MINOTAUR (GUNNER)
Well, I’ll just do 17 Gold make it easy.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Alright (chuckling)
GUNNER
This is like the most money you’ve seen. They’re
handing it over like, like a little annoyed, but like
I’ll have you roll an insight check.
CALLIE
11
GUNNER
You can tell they know you’re ripping them off, but
they don’t seem too bothered. They’re just like
MINOTAUR (GUNNER)
Okay, just give us the equipment like
CALLIE
I’m only ripping them off a little bit. I’ve only
marked it up by like a gold and a half for all that
stuff.
GUNNER
Yeah, they seem like very casual about spending this
amount of money. And it seems like they’re getting
extra stuff like it’s not super necessary, but it seems
like they just want a more convenient journey for
themselves.
CALLIE
They’re very willing to pay to make it easier.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
So, um where ya headed?
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
Just up the mountain doing a climb up
ODETTE (CALLIE)
What’s up the mountain?
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
Just something were looking for. That’s about all you
need to know.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
I know how it is.
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
Yes, we’re very standoffish and you won’t know our
secrets. You won’t to know them at all.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
Fades away into the fog.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Alright, then keep your secrets.
HANNAH
The minotaur is standing there like yeah, thanks.
CALLIE
The minotaur walks away.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
Kin-of-Moss.
SPENCER
Yeah?
GUNNER
You notice all of this, no one’s being subtle here.
SPENCER
Oh, I’m just going to walk up.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Odette. You know how they say a bucket is most useful,
when it is empty? It probably would be even more useful
if you actually had it.
SPENCER
And I’m just gonna put your bucket down somewhere
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Where did you get this?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Oh, Sasha was just holding on to it.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Oh, yeah.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Oh, hello. Welcome to... welcome to our towns
festivities. Have you been enjoying yourself?
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
While everyone in this town seems very welcoming.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
It’s our job to be welcoming. After all, no one else is
going to be. It’s our town. What brings you up to this
mount... up the mountain? There’s not really much going
on beyond the... beyond our village this time of year
and unless you’re in the mood for avalanches and
mudslides can’t really think of much exciting things to
go find.
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
There’s just something up there that we lost that we
have to recover.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I see. Just the two of you, then?
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
Yes...
LAUGHTER
SPENCER
Can I make an insight check on that one?
HANNAH
Everybody out here asking the same questions, getting
nowhere.
GUNNER
Yup.
SPENCER
Alright. So that’s natural 18 for a 19 total.
GUNNER
It seems like they’re telling the truth in the sense
that yeah, they are the only two here and are going up.
But it seems like there’re other people possibly
looking for this thing, just not in this area.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Sure. Speaking of, have you been able to pick up a
compass or something of the like?
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
Yes, we have a compass.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Oh, good good. Just because I’ve been having to make a
few treks recently to pick up all the parts of someone
that I’ve found who, unfortunately got lost some time
ago, and bring them back down here. Make sure...
MINOTAUR (GUNNER)
Oh my goodness, who was it?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Uh, I don’t really know, to be perfectly honest..
MINOTAUR (GUNNER)
Oh no.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
The cold does tend to get rid of most identifying
markers and the dry air up there...
MINOTAUR (GUNNER)
Ugh.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Makes it relatively difficult for the moisture to keep
inside of the flesh, which means that I look a bit
desiccated.
MINOTAUR (GUNNER)
Oh no. Oh man, this... this mountain’s sounding pretty
grim. This guy seems to know what he’s talking about.
Maybe it would benefit to having like a guide like...
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
Yes, maybe if you can get us up this mountain quick.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Well, that is what... I do like to try to make sure
that everyone that sees the top of this mountain can
get back to their lives alright. Now, I don’t mean to
pry into your business or anything of course, but
unless you’re going to meet Ball-and-Oak or
Exposed-Bit-of-Rock, can’t imagine them all that much
business you’d be doing up there.
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
Well it seems like everyone’s trying to pry in...
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
That is my job.
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
And since you’re going to be our guide, and you seem to
be good at finding people, we are looking for a woman.
A runaway from the city, said to have gone up this
mountain further than here.
SPENCER
Do I remember anybody else coming through at some
point? That like seemed out from out of town and that
it didn’t really seem like I recognized.
GUNNER
Make an insight check or whatever... Or wisdom check or
whatever is proficient.
SPENCER
Six. I promise I have a decent wisdom. I’m rolling bad.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
Oh, no, I’m so sorry.
HANNAH
Tough out here, for the dice.
GUNNER
No, you haven’t noticed anything. There hasn’t been any
commotion.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Oh, strange. Maybe they didn’t go up this far. I
haven’t noticed anyone. You might be able to save
yourself the trip. You said ... were a runaway? What
are they running away from? People don’t tend to run
away from things they enjoy.
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
I heard there was this bottle gang here. Well imagine
if there were bottle gangs in the city, but they were
for adults and it was for drugs and money.
LAUGHTER
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I understand. I do understand the concept of organized
crime. You don’t need to explain to me like it’s a
foreign concept.
HANNAH
Children’s...
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
Well sometimes when turf wars get a bit too hot, you
got to cool them down. And you got to make amends with
some families and make some ties.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
So from what I’m gathering, the person that ran away
did so because you and... judging from your rush to get
up there, I’m assuming others competing against you are
trying to get this person to, what? Offer them as a
sacrifice to smooth things over
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
What the fuck? No, we’re just gonna marry her away, get
the families tied together. So there’s less turf to war
over.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I did mean sacrifice in a metaphorical sense. So it
sounds like you’re doing just that.
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
Oh, sorry. I take things very literally. Also, you look
like the kind of guy that knows something about
sacrifices.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
This is also very true. In that case, then considering
this is something that important to you. I’d be happy
to help make sure that you get up and get back down
safe and sound.
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
Excellent. What is your rate?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Hmm. What?
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
How much money do you want?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Oh.
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
Or drugs?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
How much money do people charge for things
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Um... Two gold per day plus expenses?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Oh, okay. So, yeah, what Odette said, does that sound
amenable?
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
Yes.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Right. Well, would you prefer to be getting up the
mountain starting immediately or more after a night’s
rest?
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
We’d rather this person come back alive. So getting up
there sooner is better than later?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Oh, most certainly. Especially since the bears are
gonna start waking up sometime soon.
MINOTAUR (GUNNER)
Oh, man bears. Oh, there’s just so many things up this
mountain. I’d rather do the turf wars.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Is this is this person with anyone or they just alone?
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
From our sources? They seem to be with another woman.
That’s all I know.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Are you expecting resistance though?
MINOTAUR (GUNNER)
Yeah, that’s why about the manacles.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
You really didn’t think twice about selling those to
somebody.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
No, I mean, like, like, Are people gonna try and like
fight you over this?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Yeah, yeah.
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
I don’t know. I don’t know anything about this other
woman.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
People don’t necessarily go onto this mountain as a
vacation spot. I mean, I doubt that they’d come here if
this is where they really wanted to be. There’s other
better mountains for you to go if you want to explore
places.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Yeah. Okay. I was thinking like, what? What level of
resistance? Do you think?
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
Are you trying to sell us more weapons?
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Am I going with you? I don’t...
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
I don’t know. You kind of heard all of this. So I’m
gonna say yes.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
You did this, like 10 feet away from my cart.
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
Yeah, yeah, you’re coming with us. Whether you like it
or not
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Um I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do, but
I will do it for two gold a day, plus expenses.
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
Excellent.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
But like, is this person like a wizard? Do they... will
they cast big spells at us? What is...
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
No, they’re just an ordinary person. We could roll on
the race chart to see what are.
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
A piece of paper, and...
SPENCER
I got it. A nine on the D12 and a four on the d4.
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
She’s a...
HANNAH
Maneater.
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
She’s a maneater. She’s a cougar. And by that, I mean a
tabaxi.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
She have a name?
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
Alena.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Do you two have names?
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
Yes. Finally.
LAUGHTER
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
My name is Rolan. And this is my this is who I’m
working with, Irena.
MINOTAUR (GUNNER)
Hello, I’m Irena. I’m glad we got more people helpin’
out.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
You know what? I think I’m going to go get one more
person.
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
Is it the little owl?
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
Oh, you’ve met Squeak?
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
Yes.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
I believe that their... companion would offer some
benefit to climbing a mountain.
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
Fine. I mean, half the town already knows at this
point? Yeah, sure. Bring them in.
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
If you have a secret, and you talk about it in town
square to a whole bunch of people just because they
asked, is it really a secret?
DRAGONBORN (GUNNER)
I’m going to beat you up. You’re the one that asked us
so many times.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Hey, hey, don’t you know that only two can keep a
secret, if one of them is dead?
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
Alright.
CALLIE
Is Sasha around.
GUNNER
Yeah, Sasha is around.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Hey, can I parked my cart in your backyard for a while?
SASHA (GUNNER)
I live in a cart.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
You live in a cart, too?
SASHA (GUNNER)
That’s why I thought we were such kindred spirits.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Can I... like chain my cart to your cart?
SASHA (GUNNER)
I love you, Odette.
HANNAH
Aw.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Aw, thank you. I love you, too.
SASHA (GUNNER)
As a daughter I’ve never had.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
I thought we were like more like a friendship level.
Not like a...
SASHA (GUNNER)
Ah.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
A parent/child dynamic.
SASHA (GUNNER)
I love you as a friend.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Okay.
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
Quick revision.
CALLIE
I got daughter-zoned by my friend.
SASHA (GUNNER)
Yeah you can put your cart next to my cart.
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Can you watch Dandelion for me?
SASHA (GUNNER)
Yes I’ll watch after Dandelion, the donkey
ODETTE (CALLIE)
Okay, if I’m not back in like a month you can just sell
all this stuff.
SASHA (GUNNER)
Okay.
CALLIE
Okay, I’m just gonna pull some stuff out that I think
we’ll need on the road.
SPENCER
I’ll go try to find Pip.
HANNAH
Through the fog somewhere, at some point, you hear the
sound of Pip riding Mimi, and also being like
PIP (HANNAH)
Hey, kids, drop those knives! Kids shouldn’t have
knives!
CHILDREN (GUNNER)
But they got... they got our bottles. We gotta. We
gotta. They got our bottles.
PIP (HANNAH)
Drop your knives or I’ll charge you. Drop your...
CHILDREN (GUNNER)
Cheese it! It’s Pip Squeak!
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
They run... They scatter! They drop all of their
knives. You all find each other and you gather around
as Odette sorts stuff out. You like come out with some
of the stuff you’re bringing.
HANNAH
Odette’s settles her accounts. Writes up her will.
LAUGHTER
CALLIE
Yeah, I just do some inventory.
GUNNER
You do some inventory.
SOUND: LOW, OMINOUS PIANO MUSIC
GUNNER
A blizzard begins and winds whip violently through the
streets and corridors of the village. A flurry of snow
falls quickly covering everything it touches. You can
see nothing more than a wall of fog and snow in front
of you. Friendly conversations turned into concerned
murmurs. As people are berated by wind and snow. People
begin pouring into the creaky wagon for cover. For a
moment, you see a flash of movement in the sky. And
then there is a heavy crash that shakes the ground
beneath you. A powerful gust of wind from impact blows
away the fog and snow, revealing or gargantuan stature
of a white dragon looking down at you. Odette’s caravan
completely destroyed by its weight.
HANNAH
No!
CALLIE
(LAUGHING)
Why? Ah!
GUNNER
And that’s where we’ll end the session!
SOUND: MUSIC ENDS
KIN-OF-MOSS (SPENCER)
That’s not optimal.
SPENCER
Is Dandelion okay?
GUNNER
Dandelion is okay.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
You see the silhouette of Dandelion galloping away
as this hulking white dragon stands over you. Alright,
that was our first episode we did it guys.
ALL
Yay.
GUNNER
We made it through.
HANNAH
This could even be two episodes. We don’t know.
GUNNER
Who knows? I might cut stuff out because I am
embarrassed by my own improv. Who knows?
HANNAH
Who isn’t?
GUNNER
You can fix everything in post. We cut it, we splice
it, we dice it.
HANNAH
Just fix it in post.
GUNNER
We’re Class Feature!
SPENCER
We’re Class Feature, folks!
GUNNER
We are on Twitter @class_feature . That’s where you can
find us. You can find me Gunner Gunn they/them
@runngunnergunn, everything has two N’s. Is there
anything else anyone would like to plug?
SPENCER
Don’t find me, as a matter of fact.
HANNAH
Abandon me to the woods.
CALLIE
You can find me on Twitter @changpowless
GUNNER
Yeah. So I was gonna say let us know how we did, do not
do that.
HANNAH
I mean, you could. Leave a review!
ALL
(SHOUTING)
GUNNER
Yeah, leave a comment. Let us know how we did. And
please be nice. We’re new. This is the only d&d podcast
so it’s very...
SPENCER
I’s a very limited market.
GUNNER
Very experimental.
HANNAH
But that’s us, goodbye.
CALLIE
Goodbye.
GUNNER
That’s it. Goodbye. Alright, if you want to listen to
more of the only D&D podcast, come back next time.
HANNAH
You laughed so much on that.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
That was so bad.
HANNAH
Come back next time!
GUNNER
Come back next time.
Fighter: Episode 0 - Lances, Glaives, and Curving Arrows
Wed, 17 Aug 2022 19:59:32 +0000
GUNNER
Hello, I am Gunner Gunn and this is Class Feature the
show where we feature each dungeons and dragons 5e
class with adventures inspired by Slavic folklore.
Before we begin, let’s all introduce ourselves. I’m
Gunner Gunn. I use they/them pronouns and I’ll be
playing the role of dungeon master today.
HANNAH
I can go next. My name is Hannah. I use she/they
pronouns and today I’m going to be playing Pip Squeak
the Owlin fighter, subclass cavalier, and Pip Squeak
uses she/her pronouns.
SPENCER
Hi. I’m Spencer he/him and I’m going to be playing the
Firbolg battle master Kin-of-Moss; that’s a hyphenated
little thing there, who uses he/him pronouns or just it
and looking forward to doing so.
CALLIE
My name is Callie. I use she/her pronouns and I’m
playing Odette, who also uses she/her pronouns, who is
a goblin arcane archer.
GUNNER
Awesome. Excellent. Alright this is more of a
supplementary episode we’ve got here where we’re going
to go over more of the mechanics of our character build
just so we don’t get too bogged down during actual
gameplay and have people be like "Whoa, why can they do
that?". If you’re ever wondering that, this is the
place to be, so yeah, we’re just going to go in and let
you know what’s happening on our character sheets
before we play. Alright, so first off: the basics that
I have set up for everyone is that we’re all fighters.
And by we I mean the three people that are not me are
all fighters.
HANNAH
Oh, so you mean everyone in the town that we’re going
to be in are all fighters?
GUNNER
Everyone is a fighter. Everyone. We’re starting at
level eight. We’re using the standard array from the
player’s handbook just to simplify things. You know,
just so everything’s on the level and we’ll be starting
GUNNER (cont’d)
your starting equipment for your class and five hundred
gold pieces worth of items per rules of starting at a
later level adventure kind of thing. So yeah we’ll be
covering people’s subclasses because that’s what we’re
really highlighting here is the variety in each class.
So, yeah we can jump into what everyone’s doing, how
they do it, and what the heck that means. Hannah do you
want to go first?
HANNAH
Sure. I can go first. Like I said at the top, Pip
Squeak is a cavalier, so you know, what’s at the heart
of a cavalier, if not their mount? And Pip Squeak’s
mount is called Mimi. This is not class relevant, just
a cute fact to hold on to for later. The things with a
cavalier, I’ve written and they are very small, but you
get the Born to Saddle Feature, which just means I have
advantage on saving throws to avoid falling from a
mount. If I don’t make that save, I still land on my
feet, I believe.
GUNNER
Ooh, nice.
HANNAH
And the dismount and mount only costs me five feet of
movement as opposed to the standard half movement that
it would usually cost someone. I also have unwavering
mark. If I’m within that creature, that... within five
feet of that creature, they have disadvantage on
attacks to creatures other than me, if that makes
sense. Used the word creature a lot there.
GUNNER
Yeah, I’m sorry, I glazed over creature.
SPENCER
It’s like a taunt, perhaps.
HANNAH
Yeah.
GUNNER
Ok.
HANNAH
It means basically they can’t hit other people as well.
GUNNER
Oh,so you’re like goading them.
HANNAH
Yeah.
GUNNER
Okay.
HANNAH
They can hit me really well, probably. Or like a normal
amount.
GUNNER
A normal amount, but they have disadvantage on other
people...
HANNAH
Other people if they’re... If the other people are
within 5 feet of me I think.
SPENCER
Mm hmm.
CALLIE
What kind of animal is Mimi?
HANNAH
Mimi is a goat. A mountain goat. See, the thing about
these things is that I’ve written them down in a short
form that is helpful for me during gameplay...
GUNNER
Yeah, I mean...
HANNAH
But is not useful for reading aloud.
GUNNER
That’s alright. We don’t have to go through the whole
subclass...
HANNAH
Oh.
GUNNER
If you...
HANNAH
Ok.
GUNNER
Don’t want to, it’s just how your build works
cohesively as a unit. If there’s like special things
going on, like if you got a feat instead of an ability
score increase or...
HANNAH
No. I only took the ability score increases.
GUNNER
Or if your like race meshes really well with cavalier
or something. If you got a little extra spice because
you’re an owlin or...
HANNAH
No!
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
An owl gets the ability to fly, which is not super
useful on a mount. I don’t believe I can carry my mount
in flight. I’m not that strong.
GUNNER
Mmm. Well that’s fine, though. Doing it for aesthetics
is great.
HANNAH
So, everything that I get is just the specific stuff
from being a cavalier specifically.
GUNNER
Yeah.
HANNAH
And I took a lot of protection based stuff, in that
like, for example for the generic fighter... It’s not a
class thing, but it is like a
GUNNER
Fighting Style?
HANNAH
Fighting Style. I took the Protection Style. And one of
the other handy things that cavalier has is Warding
Maneuver, which I think acts really well in sync with
the Protection Fighting Style in that, when myself or a
creature that is within five feet of me is hit, I get
to roll 1d8 I think as a reaction to add that to the
person that’s getting attacked’s AC.
GUNNER
Oh nice.
HANNAH
I think.
GUNNER
Ooh, that does work really well with protection
HANNAH
Yeah! Mm hmm.
GUNNER
That’s sick.
HANNAH
And also I mean my goat will probably also be within
five feet of me.
GUNNER
Oh that’s so true.
HANNAH
So... if you touch her, you die!
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
She has like four hit points.
GUNNER
She will... Well, you won’t be able to touch her.
Because you are protecting her with all your might.
HANNAH
With my f-ing life.
GUNNER
With your life!
HANNAH
Mm hmm.
CALLIE
Real quick: can we swear?
GUNNER
Yeah!
CALLIE
Okay, cool.
HANNAH
I was just self-censoring.
GUNNER
I just love...
CALLIE
I was just wondering.
GUNNER
I just, I love when Hannah self-centres. Centres?
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
I’m centring right now. Don’t mind me.
GUNNER
I just love the self-censoring where you just like...
CALLIE
Yeah, you have audio edited yourself.
GUNNER
Yeah, in real time.
HANNAH
In real time, so you don’t have to do it later.
GUNNER
It’s absolutely fantastic. It’s one of my favourite
bits.
HANNAH
It sounds like it’s probably hell to edit. Why is there
a blank space here? Anyway... Who would like to go
next?
GUNNER
Oh, is there any? I have a question. Do you... What’s
your weapon? What do ya... What are ya packin?
HANNAH
What is my weapon? I grabbed a lance for fun because
that feels very what a cavalier would have. I did a
little research on lances and sounds like practically,
as a weapon, historically, pretty useless and...
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
Pretty fast, as soon as mounted combat developed an
even slightly better weapon they were like "Lances? Can
absolutely get lost."
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
So, an interest... Apparently they’re not very good for
multiple... You can’t thrust it a couple of times at
someone.
GUNNER
Ah. Yeah.
SPENCER
Mm hmm.
HANNAH
You just do a drive by.
GUNNER
Yeah. A drive by lancing.
HANNAH
Yeah. I don’t they considered that mechanically, in
D&D. Like you can do whatever you want with it.
GUNNER
They were like "Medieval? Lances. We don’t care about
how they actually worked."
HANNAH
Yeah, so I grabbed a lance and I grabbed a longsword,
which I feel like I guess I will use more often.
GUNNER
Nice. I also just love the little fun fact which what
if what if we just did that throughout the series? It
just popped up like "Little fun fact about this
weapon..."
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
"Here’s your little history tidbit."
SPENCER
Whoop (Sound effect)
GUNNER
"Cultural tidbit"
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
Could do.
CALLIE
Do you have one of those giant pauldrons that they
had...
HANNAH
Oh my god.
CALLIE
That would like nestle the lance into your shoulder?
HANNAH
I hope so. If people want to draw that, they can.
GUNNER
Mm hmm.
HANNAH
I approve.
SPENCER
A little goat horn that Mimi shed at one point that you
just got tied to your shoulder?
HANNAH
(GASP)
Don’t make me cry! That’s so cute!
GUNNER
Aww. Just a little...
HANNAH
But yeah I think that’s about it for the weapons. I
also grabbed a couple hand axes because hand axes
are... Handy
GUNNER
Nice. So you’re like a close range fighter, but you
also just have to like rev up?
HANNAH
The lance has like ten feet, I think.
GUNNER
Oh ok.
HANNAH
You don’t have to be close range.
GUNNER
So not the closest range fighter.
HANNAH
I thought it was handy to have that distance, but now
I’m sort of like... Given that a lance, depending on
how I play it. I’m kind of interested in playing it as
a lance actually how it historically worked.
GUNNER
Just, absolutely a pathetic...
HANNAH
I only give myself one use of it, and then I have to
resort to a long sword and be like "Eeh, eeh, eeh"
GUNNER
Just a pathetic little fighter. Just detrimentally
horrible.
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
Rude!
SPENCER
You use your lance once and then drop it.
HANNAH
Yeah, exactly! And drop it because I am... very cool
and I use multiple weapons.
SPENCER
Yeah, absolutely!
CALLIE
Like John Wick throwing guns on the ground after
running out of ammo.
HANNAH
A hundred percent. You know what? I just pull out a
different lance.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
That’s the true secret of the time, to using a lance
twice is you have to have a second lance.
SPENCER
It’s always faster to switch to your second lance than
it is to reload your first lance.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
Alright, Spencer!
SPENCER
Hi! That’s me!
GUNNER
Do you want to tell us about King of... King?
HANNAH
King!
GUNNER
Do you want to tell us about Kin-of-Moss?
SPENCER
No!
GUNNER
Oh!
SPENCER
Actually yes! Haha
GUNNER
Tricked again.
SPENCER
I lied to you, but as a joke.
LAUGHTER
SPENCER
Kin-of-Moss carries on this theme that I think we all
have, which is: what if you wanted to stab someone, but
they were kind of far away.
HANNAH
Mmm.
GUNNER
I’ve run into that problem often.
SPENCER
Yeah, and so you don’t want to fight fair because only
punks fight fair.
LAUGHTER
CALLIE
Punks famously fight fair.
LAUGHTER
SPENCER
Yes. Absolutely. That’s what they’re known for.
HANNAH
They have an honour system.
CALLIE
They don’t have like hidden knives.
SPENCER
They maintain a gendarmerie that is very well
considered. Kin-of-Moss carries on in the...
HANNAH
Don’t stand so close to me.
SPENCER
That’s it! In the ages long tradition of "I wanna stab
someone, but they’re a little bit far away." And so,
with a mix of the Polearm Master/Sentinel feats and the
great weapon fighting style, you too can stab someone
when they try to stab you and keep ’em far enough away
that they can’t try to do it again.
GUNNER
Nice. What do those all like do? Exactly? Just in case
someone needs to know for like running a game or
something?
SPENCER
Oh. I’m so glad you asked. Basically Polearm Master:
it’s the first half of the synergy if you will. When
I’m using a weapon with the reach feature, I provoke
attacks of... enemies rather attack provoke (garbled)
HANNAH
We can restart that.
SPENCER
Enemies provoke attacks of opportunity from me when
they enter the weapon’s range rather than the normal
five foot range.
HANNAH
That sounds much handier than a lance.
GUNNER
Oh my goodness.
SPENCER
Which coupled with the sentinel feature, of reducing an
enemy’s movement to zero when you hit them with an
attack of opportunity, allows you to maneuver around a
battlefield much more easily. And to continually stab
them, while refusing them the opportunity to stab you.
Because the only way to win a fight is to not die.
GUNNER
Yeah.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
Excellent. So just... yeah.truly is "Don’t stand so
close to me."
SPENCER
Don’t stand so close to me
GUNNER
Don’t even... Don’t even walk. You’re not allowed to.
SPENCER
Nope. Run.
GUNNER
You move? You’re done.
SPENCER
Run. Don’t walk. From death
CALLIE
We all knew that we would not have a healer, and so
we’re like "We... I want some sort of protection from
getting hit by stuff."
GUNNER
And you all went very different directions. I love
that.
HANNAH
But also, like I may have taken a lance, but I didn’t
take anything to protect me from people actually
getting close to me.
GUNNER
That’s fair, but you have a shield?
HANNAH
I do have a shield.
SPENCER
I mean if anything, it seems like you made it easier
for people to attack you rather than other targets.
HANNAH
You know what? That’s true. Again revisit that
protection moment. That’s exactly what I did.
GUNNER
Yeah. How’s your meaty bod?
HANNAH
My meaty bod?
GUNNER
Can it take a hit?
HANNAH
You wanna know what my HP is? My Hip?
GUNNER
Yeah.
HANNAH
Fifty four. What are other people’s HP. I’m curious. Is
mine low?
GUNNER
"Should I not be in the front lines?"
SPENCER
Mine is at sixty eight
HANNAH
Oh! What a delight!
CALLIE
I have fifty three so we’re real close.
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
Yes! Okay, I can protect... Odette.
CALLIE
If you can find me.
HANNAH
I can protect two characters: Mimi and Odette.
GUNNER
And Mimi doesn’t even have a class. Mimi’s just there.
HANNAH
Mimi has goat class. Greatest of all time.
GUNNER
Mmm. True.
LAUGHTER
CALLIE
Honestly, yeah protecting your mount is so important.
HANNAH
Yeah!
CALLIE
Because they have like ten hit points.
HANNAH
Mimi my beloved.
GUNNER
For some reason that just sounds like a life advice
like "Yeah! You know what? Protecting your mount is
important. Now with this protective saddle you too can
protect your mount."
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
That’s not life advice! That’s a commercial!
GUNNER
What? Someone’s lied to me my whole life then.
CALLIE
That is just any car gadget.
LAUGHTER
SPENCER
For a second there, it sounded like you were opening a
scene in an educational video shown to kids in an
elementary school. "Hey kids, you know, it’s fun when
you’re riding your mount. Did you know it’s
important..."
HANNAH
And then Gunner jumps into a two minute rap about...
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
No!
HANNAH
...the safety of mount riding.
SPENCER
Oh. Education Edu-Rap
CALLIE
I feel like a real PSA from like a hundred years ago
when kids were actively riding horses could be like
"Hey kids, when you’re riding your horse, just know
there’s a decent chance you’ll die!"
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
If you fall off for even a second, you will get
trampled underfoot. Have fun!
SPENCER
Remember kids, a broken leg means it has to be put
down. And that applies to you, too.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
Holy shit.
HANNAH
That would have been a hundred years ago. Or less?
SPENCER
A little bit more. A little bit more. A hundred years
ago was 1922.
HANNAH
Was pretty recent, right? No, I think they would have
put people down.
GUNNER
It depends.
SPENCER
I mean, where are we talking about? Are we talking like
Eastern, like rural Eastern Europe or like...
GUNNER
That’s where they were set it on.
CALLIE
This is what The Great Gatsby is about.
HANNAH
Wow. That was a lot of crosstalk.
GUNNER
Yeah. That was horrible.
CALLIE
I’m sorry.
GUNNER
I didn’t even say a sentence right. I’m like "Alright
well, this is gettin cut."
CALLIE
We both said a complete sentence of the exact same
length at the same time.
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
Anyway, Callie do you want to introduce your class?
CALLIE
Are you finished?
SPENCER
Me?
CALLIE
Yeah.
SPENCER
Me?
GUNNER
Yeah, do you have any fun spicy little things?
HANNAH
Oh, your weapon! No you did your weapon. Eh (playful)
SPENCER
My weapon is specifically a glaive.
ALL
Ooh
HANNAH
Never mind, you didn’t do your weapon.
SPENCER
I didn’t do my weapon, no. Glaive, which is a knife on
a stick basically.
HANNAH
Not too different from a lance.
SPENCER
Not too different from a lance...
GUNNER
And yet, very different.
SPENCER
Whereas lances are basically like a big cone on a
stick...
HANNAH
Well... actually...
LAUGHTER
SPENCER
Go on...
HANNAH
The original lances WERE like a knife on a stick. It’s
only when it became something similar to jousting that
they became a big heavy thing. That’s all.
SPENCER
I’m glad I didn’t know that. That’s a fact we wouldn’t
have gotten if we didn’t get that.
CALLIE
This is... This is like when I learned the difference
between a trumpet and a cornet and like I don’t think
I’ll ever use this, but this fact will never leave my
mind.
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
I’m very sorry. I did research on lances like five days
ago and the most interesting thing was honestly that
there’s something that is lance lingo and it’s called
tent pegging.
LAUGHTER
SPENCER
Go on.
HANNAH
I don’t remember any of the other context. That’s it!
CALLIE
Is that not?
HANNAH
My apologies.
CALLIE
So that’s a lance term, not like a setting up a tent
term? Because I have heard like Tent Pegs.
HANNAH
Tent pegs are also a tent term. Tent Pegging is
something else specific to lancing.
SPENCER
Yes, cause I would assume that tent pegs have been
around for quite some time, and so using them
euphemistically to refer to something you can do with a
lance probably was pretty simple to put together.
HANNAH
I would look it up, but I don’t have my phone.
SPENCER
I would also look it up, but I’m not going to.
CALLIE
I have my phone.
LAUGHTER
SPENCER
But yeah, glaives different from things like halberds
and stuff by um the game deciding that they are.
LAUGHTER
SPENCER
As well as having slightly different shapes of them.
Whereas halberds are basically axes plus spear, which
were specifically used for removing mounted targets
from their mounts.
ALL
Gasp
HANNAH
Kin-of-Moss no!
GUNNER
I have to write this down!
SPENCER
Glaives were specifically used to slash and stab and do
it from just far enough away.
HANNAH
Sort of like the knife on the end of a... I want to say
rifle.
GUNNER
Bayonet?
HANNAH
There you go.
GUNNER
I almost said Bayonetta.
LAUGHTER
CALLIE
Bayonetta knows a lot about tent pegging actually.
SPENCER
Did you know that the number of people who actually
died from bayonet wounds is relatively small because
they were just too scary.
HANNAH
The bayonet was scary? You know what...
SPENCER
Yeah, because the concept of seeing someone run up on
you with a gun, and instead of shooting you, trying to
get close enough to use this big triangular knife on
the end of it to stab you in the chest a bunch...
HANNAH
Horrible. Just awful.
SPENCER
People just surrendered. So, the number of times
someone actually died that we have recorded from
bayonet is relatively low compared to other methods.
GUNNER
I’m just going to have to cut in all these fun facts
elsewhere. It’s too many fun facts.
HANNAH
Just pause the pod and be like "By the way, fun
fact..."
CALLIE
Fun fact: that’s how all the Romanov children died.
SPENCER
That’s not fun, but it is true.
CALLIE
Okay, that... We can cut all of this.
LAUGHTER
CALLIE
Okay, cut back in right now. I have looked up what tent
pegging is. So tent pegging is a sport. It’s an
equestrian sport which is basically trying to hit
targets with a lance.
HANNAH
Oh, nice.
CALLIE
So, there’s a version of it called Ring Jousting where
you’re trying to get the point of your lance through a
suspended ring. It’s basically...
HANNAH
Archery?
CALLIE
Jousting, but instead of trying to do it against
another person, you’re just trying to do target
practice.
HANNAH
Nice.
CALLIE
Yup. And we never mentioned bayonets at all.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
Nothing happened. Alright. What do like firbolgs get...
that’s fun?
SPENCER
Firbolgs, I can talk to plants and animals. So can
everyone else, but the difference is they can
understand me. I have no way to understand them, nor
can I compel them to do anything in particular. But I
can be very confident that they absolutely understood
what I meant.
GUNNER
Excellent.
SPENCER
Which just means that I have advantage on charisma
check against them if necessary.
GUNNER
I thought you were going to say, which just means I
have delusions of grandeur.
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
You’re like a King of Moss!
SPENCER
It’s almost like I consider myself family. To these
growing things. I should name my character that.
GUNNER
Mmm.
SPENCER
Also, I am very lorge and I can carry a lot of things.
GUNNER
Nice.
SPENCER
And also I can turn invisible. Sometimes, but only
once.
HANNAH
Can you carry a goat and an owl?
SPENCER
I could do that, yes. Your bones are made of paper, and
your goat is relatively small, so I am sure I could do
GUNNER
That sounds like an insult from a hundred years ago.
CALLIE
Yeah, it sounds like a threat.
GUNNER
"Your bones are made of paper and your goat is
relatively small!"
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
Awesome. Callie, tell us about Odette!
CALLIE
Okay, so Odette is an arcane archer, like I said, which
means she has like a million special arrow shots she
can do, but I’ll start with the goblin stuff.
Darkvision, Fury of the Small, which is just once per
short rest, I can... If the target is bigger than me,
so medium or larger, I can add my level of damage,
which is eight, so I can just randomly add eight damage
to something.
GUNNER
Nice.
CALLIE
I have nimble escape which lets me disengage or hide as
a bonus action.
GUNNER
Oof.
CALLIE
So, I... I’ve made kind of a rogue fighter.
GUNNER
A rogue... like?
CALLIE
It’s a rogue-like. Hades 2022. 2020! Hades two already
been announced by Callie. Not associated with
Supergiant Games. I’ve made my own sequel to Hades.
LAUGHTER
CALLIE
So I have the archery fighting style, which means I get
plus two to attack on ranged weapons. Second wind,
action surge, arcane archer gets the spell
prestidigitation, which I use for my scams.
GUNNER
Nice.
CALLIE
Oh yeah, because I’m a charlatan, which manifests by me
selling fake magic items to rich people.
GUNNER
Ugh. Great.
CALLIE
So my arcane shot, after I hit with an arrow, which I
think is very important to the balance of this class
and not making it very underpowered. I have a variety
of them, first one is grasping arrow, which lets me add
more poison damage, reduces their speed by ten feet,
and the first time they move without teleporting on
each of their turns they can take 2d6 slashing damage.
So, they’re like wrapped up in vines basically.
GUNNER
Dang.
CALLIE
And the creature can... Any creature that can reach it
or itself can make an athletics check against my DC,
which, for this is thirteen. And it lasts for one
minute, or until I use grasping arrow again. There is
bursting arrow, which is a ten foot radius, take 2d6
force damage, no save, just it explodes. And I have
shadow arrow, which is it does psychic damage and also
it can make a wisdom save or...
HANNAH
Sonic’s enemy.
LAUGHTER
SPENCER
Thank you, Hannah.
CALLIE
It goes into that time prison, where it breaks all of
its bones, which is easy because they’re made out of
paper.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
So... terrible.
HANNAH
Really peaked there.
CALLIE
So yeah, they can make a wisdom save or they would be
unable to see anything five feet away... More than five
feet away until the start of my next turn, which is
very helpful as a ranged attacker because that gives
me... advantage on them I think because they can’t see
GUNNER
Awesome.
CALLIE
Also, all of my arrow attacks are magic. I have extra
attack. I also have curving shot, which is when I miss
with an arrow attack, I can use my bonus action to roll
it again against another target within sixty feet, so
it’s like I’ve missed and then it curves it to try and
hit someone else.
GUNNER
So like the hit film Wanted.
LAUGHTER
CALLIE
Yeah! I thought you were going to say Guardians of the
Galaxy, and I was really taken aback by what? 2006? Hit
film Wanted?
GUNNER
Hit film Wanted. I tried to see that movie several
times in theatre, but I was not eighteen and it was
rated R and I got kicked out every single time I tried
to go see Wanted in theatres.
CALLIE
Oh my god.
GUNNER
It was also not me that wanted to. It was a high school
friend!
HANNAH
Why are you foisting it off on someone else?
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
I didn’t want to see it!
HANNAH
Make yourself less cool, by being like "By the way, I
didn’t want to sneak into a theatre. I was a good kid."
GUNNER
They forced my hand and I got kicked out of several
theatres. Trying to see wanted.
CALLIE
Did you do the thing where you bought a ticket for a
different movie and then snuck into that one?
GUNNER
Yes.
HANNAH
Theatre tips.
SPENCER
They were really on the ball when it came to this one,
I guess. Wow.
CALLIE
Oh, I also have the sharpshooter feat, which allows me
to subtract five from an attack roll with a ranged
weapon and add ten to any damage.
GUNNER
Oof.
CALLIE
It also lets me ignore the short range distance on...
GUNNER
Ooh...
CALLIE
It doesn’t give me disadvantage for shooting to the
long range. Which is helpful because I can’t use a
longbow because I’m a small creature.
GUNNER
You’re too tiny for a longbow
HANNAH
You know, all those things sound incredibly useful.
GUNNER
Yeah
CALLIE
And, I also ignore half and three-quarter cover for my
ranged weapon attacks,
GUNNER
Dang
CALLIE
But not full cover.
GUNNER
Oh Spencer your... Kin-of-Moss is a battle master, what
maneuvers did you get?
SPENCER
So I have a couple different maneuvers here, which are,
for the uninitiated, maneuvers are special abilities
given to the Battle Master Class that allow you to
manipulate the battlefield to your favour in different
ways. So for example, I have the Lunging Attack one, so
my knife on a stick goes even further away and I can
get a full fifteen feet of reach on a single melee
attack, which adds more damage, then I can push people
away with pushing attack. I can give people temporary
hit points with my rally maneuver and I can hit someone
next to the person I wanted to hit with Sweeping
attack.
GUNNER
Excellent. That... what is it rally or something?
SPENCER
Yeah.
GUNNER
Very good for a no healing party, which reminds me
since there’s no really healers in this party, for kind
of our house rules, well first of all you guys were
able to obtain healing potions from the amount of money
you had, when you were buying your starting equipment,
so you have those healing potions. And, for the sake of
this, I’m going to rule it that taking a healing potion
is a bonus action, instead of a full action.
HANNAH
Ok.
SPENCER
Wow!
GUNNER
And you can roll the dice for that. Or if you want the
maximum amount of hit points that a healing potion
would give you, you can use your action to do so.
SPENCER
Love it!
GUNNER
So, it’s up to you whether you want a quick little
heal, or if you want to spend your action getting as
much HP as possible.
CALLIE
Is the flavour of that, that if you do it as a bonus
action, you’re like really sloppy with it?
GUNNER
Yeah, you’re just chugging it down. Smashing the glass.
CALLIE
Bottles are expensive!
LAUGHTER
HANNAH
They’re made of glass. Hard to use. Hard to find.
GUNNER
That’s why healing potions are expensive!
SPENCER
Healing potions are purely expensive because the shape
of the bottle is regulated and it’s not... Unless
you’re in the shape of a healing potion, it doesn’t
work.
CALLIE
You’re not paying for the potion, you’re paying for the
bottle.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
Is there any like concluding things anyone wants to
say? I think we’ve covered everything that like...
SPENCER
That seems good to me. Oh! I had a point, but I don’t
have it anymore.
GUNNER
Oh.
SPENCER
Thank you very much.
GUNNER
Alright, awesome. Well...
HANNAH
Do we want to promo anything?
GUNNER
Where can we find this podcast? You can find it on
twitter @class_feature can find it... where else?
SPENCER
Wherever podcasts are listened to...
HANNAH
I think twitter is the main one right now.
GUNNER
If you just go to twitter.
HANNAH
Just go to twitter. Get on, go to twitter find us
there.
GUNNER
Be thirteen years or older.
LAUGHTER
GUNNER
Ugh.
CALLIE
Uh?
HANNAH
That’s not...
GUNNER
Cut that.
HANNAH
Cut that!
LAUGHTER
SOUND: CLAP
GUNNER
Follow us on...
HANNAH
Why did you do that at the end of it? We just said cut
that.
SPENCER
Well, now we know where the point is, so when you go
back through the audio there’s a bit of staccato you
can drag through
GUNNER
Follow us on twitter and find out where else we could
SPENCER
It’s interesting to note that if you’re listening to
this, you will find out faster than we currently will
where you can find the rest of this podcast.
LAUGHTER
SPENCER
It will take you less time to figure that out, than it
will take us from here to whenever we decide that.
GUNNER
Mm hmm.
HANNAH
Good luck.
GUNNER
Good luck. Does anyone have personal twitters they
wanna plug or is just...
HANNAH
Find me... nowhere. Thank you!
GUNNER
Nowhere. Excellent.
SPENCER
Don’t look for me. Keep your grimy hands off that
follow button.
CALLIE
I’m @changpowless on twitter.
LAUGHTER
CALLIE
c h a n g p o w l e s s
LAUGHTER
SPENCER
I’m sorry can you spell that again, once. I’m not sure
I heard you Callie.
GUNNER
And I’m @RunnGunnerGunn all spelled with two n’s. Thank
you so much for listening. See you next time on Class
Feature... I thought someone would join me...
HANNAH
Did you want me to join in? I feel like...
SPENCER
Feature...
LAUGHTER
CALLIE
Cut it all together later. Feature...
HANNAH
Feature!
Fighter: Episode 4 - Talking Heads
Mon, 08 Aug 2022 05:00:18 +0000
Our favourite folk heroes face their most inhospitable environment yet! A Man Cave! It seems Hugo and his home are not at all what it was chalked up to be
The Crew:
Gunner Gunn (They/Them) as The Dungeon Master
Hannah (She/They) as Pip Squeak (She/Her)
Spencer (He/Him) as Kin-of-Moss (He/It)
Callie (She/Her) as Odette (She/Her)
Music Includes:
"Ravinova" by Gunner Gunn
"Odette" by Gunner Gunn
"Unwanted Winter" by Gunner Gunn
Fighter: Episode 3 - Give Me the Beef Boy!
Wed, 27 Jul 2022 05:00:49 +0000
Our folk heroes fail to have a restful sleep and find themselves exhausted for the journey ahead of them. Unfortunately for our friends they run into an Abomitable Yeti (emphasis on the “Abs”)! Will our heroes survive such a series of misfortunes? Find out on this episode of Class Feature!
The Crew:
Gunner Gunn (They/Them) as The Dungeon Master
Hannah (She/They) as Pip Squeak (She/Her)
Spencer (He/Him) as Kin-of-Moss (He/It)
Callie (She/Her) as Odette (She/Her)
Music Includes:
"Ravinova" by Gunner Gunn
"Alpine Attack" by Gunner Gunn
"Unwanted Winter" by Gunner Gunn
Fighter: Episode 2 - Mischief and Magpies
Mon, 11 Jul 2022 05:00:02 +0000
In this episode our folk heroes learn a thing or two about where dragons come from, get their mid-winter performance review, and recieve a harsh critique for their joke!
The Crew:
Gunner Gunn (They/Them) as The Dungeon Master
Hannah (She/They) as Pip Squeak (She/Her)
Spencer (He/Him) as Kin-of-Moss (He/It)
Callie (She/Her) as Odette (She/Her)
Music Includes:
"Ravinova" by Gunner Gunn
"Unwanted Winter" by Gunner Gunn
"Pip Squeak (reprised)" by Gunner Gunn
"Kin-of-Moss" by Gunner Gunn
Fighter: Episode 1 - Kids Committing Crimes
Mon, 27 Jun 2022 05:00:08 +0000
In this episode, we are introduced to our three fighters as they navigate a busy mid-winter festival, placating village elders, herding goats, and selling not so authentic cider! Can this trio keep the kids at bay? Listen and find out!
cw: mentions of child endangerment
The Crew:
Gunner Gunn (They/Them) as The Dungeon Master
Hannah (She/They) as Pip Squeak (She/Her)
Spencer (He/Him) as Kin-of-Moss (He/It)
Callie (She/Her) as Odette (She/Her)
Music Includes:
"Ravinova" by Gunner Gunn
"Kin-of-Moss" by Gunner Gunn
"Odette" by Gunner Gunn
"Pip Squeak" by Gunner Gunn
"Unwelcome Winter" by Gunner Gunn
Fighter: Episode 0 - Lances, Glaives, and Curving Arrows
Mon, 13 Jun 2022 05:00:55 +0000
The Class Feature crew talks character builds as we gear up for an all Fighter adventure!
Learn what race, subclass, fighting style, and feats the players picked and also what the heck tent pegging is!?
The Crew:
Gunner Gunn (They/Them) as The Dungeon Master
Hannah (She/They) as Pip Squeak (She/Her)
Spencer (He/Him) as Kin-of-Moss (He/It)
Callie (She/Her) as Odette (She/Her)