Audio Fiction Dot C O Dot U K

The Creature Report




Synopsis:

An improv podcast about spotting new monsters & reporting their mythos to you. Guests, ghouls, & good times hosted by senior anchor Val Petrone. Produced with Paper Boat Productions.


Format: Audio Drama

Continuity: Serial

Voices: Cast

Genres: Horror / Comedy

Framing device:

Maturity:

Creator demographics:

Character demographics:

Content warnings (creator selected):

Country of origin:

Transcript details:

Click here to update these tags.



Episodes:

hide with me in plain sight

Sat, 01 Oct 2022 06:23:58 GMT

 

 

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Sun, 24 Oct 2021 18:31:59 GMT

See you next week, Anchor

___________________________________

The Creature Report Documentation & Archival Assistant!

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>TCR-VPAL-ARCHIVAL_RECORDING_0820_SUBJECT1740ARBY_MISSING

>TCR-VPAL 27_AdditionalNotes

>TCR-VPAL-ARCHIVAL_RECORDING_0829_SUBJECT1731TARTARUS_MISSING

>TCR-VPAL-ARCHIVAL_RECORDING_0829_SUBJECT1428GRAWL_MISSING

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>TCR-VPAL-ARCHIVAL_RECORDING_0917_SUBJECT1742REPLACEDJEFF_FollowUp

>The Creature Report: Episode 29, Utopic Dormihi - ARCHIVE ONLY 10/02

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>play

_________

Content warning: implied missing persons throughout episode

Written By Val Petrone & Em Murphy

Val Petrone as Anchor Val Petrone

Em Murphy as Kyle Culkin

Sound FX found on Freesound.org

 

TheCreatureReport_10072021_PM_autosave

Sun, 10 Oct 2021 06:23:43 GMT

Something is coming, something is leaving.

Some things stay the same.

But Anchor, dear, why don't you come near?

Let us begin our game.

The Creature Report Documentation & Archival Assistant!

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  >Footage & Recording

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       >Recent

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>play

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Content warning: implied kidnapping/missing persons throughout episode

In order of appearance:

Additional sound effects and voices provided by freesound.org

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The Creature Report: Episode 28, Selina

Sat, 18 Sep 2021 19:37:01 GMT

After the past few weeks of airing unintentional audio, we're back to posting INTENTIONAL episodes! That's right! No more personal notes being leaked, we hope! Either way, this week we're SO excited to meet Selina, our first ever creature AND guest combo (that we knew about before going into the interview)! Tune in as Selina tells us all about life in the swamp, her cousin Sylyna the troll, and what it's like to motivational speak on being a rejected Pokemon design. Plus, do we hear wedding bells for this creature and one of our camera men? Tune in to find out!

Content Warnings:

Conversations about vaccines, hard drugs, the government, and cartoonish animal cruelty 

Credits

Madeline Maye as Selina

Val Petrone as Anchor Val Petrone

Sound FX found on freesound.org

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The Creature Report Training Video!

Mon, 30 Aug 2021 07:02:26 GMT

 The Creature Report Documentation & Archival Assistant!

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>TCR-VPAL 23_AdditionalNotes
>TCR-VPAL 24_AdditionalNotes
>TherapeuticSession_07152021_Specimen1746
>TCR-VPAL 25_AdditionalNotes
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>play

-----------------------------------------------

CW: random/jarring audio glitches throughout, implied paranoia 

written by Nova Wolfharder

performed by:
Mae Murphy as Mae
Tim Woerner as the Intern
Val Petrone as Anchor Val

Training video music by Arthur Vale

rap beat & sound effects from freesound.org

 

The Creature Report: Episode 27, Panic! In The Jar

Mon, 23 Aug 2021 02:12:40 GMT

What's wet, hungry, and made entirely out of either many, MANY tongues or one LARGE tongue? It's this week's Creature Report creature! We're joined today by Constance Community College student and local little guy Mincus Von Smurdlehoff as we explore Constance's Jar Museum and learn a thing or two about what Panic! At the Disco and Jonathan Frakes have been up to in the past few years (spoiler: it's not great news!). Hell, we might even get a roomba reference IF you're lucky.

Content Warnings:

slight body horror, mention of Brendon Urie 

Credits

Val Petrone as Anchor Val Petrone

Andy Randolph as Mincus Von Smurdlehoff

Sound FX found on freesound.org

36.150893664496635 -95.99267550070147 36.10292499634998 -95.97540469540479 

36.13368231023964 -95.93994189355078  36.161146838480484 -95.9051818088947 36.141080694170014 -95.88625249540375 36.09102929671055 -95.92178839540514 36.10525815759564 -95.8506074088962

 

TCR-VPAL_26_AdditionalNotes

Sat, 14 Aug 2021 01:00:00 GMT

The Creature Report Documentation & Archival Assistant!

What would you like to access?

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>TCR-VPAL 19_AdditionalNotes
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>TherapeuticSession_05302021_Specimen905
>TCR-VPAL 22_AdditionalNotes
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>TherapeuticSession_07152021_Specimen1746
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>play 



(written and performed by Val Petrone)

 

The Creature Report: Episode 26, Twinky

Sat, 07 Aug 2021 03:00:00 GMT

Sneaking into places where you shouldn't be going? Not always great-- but today, we're heading to a house that is more than open to let my guest and I go bump in the night. That's right! New Creature Report, with expert of ghost hunting, colin jost'busting, podcasting, and arting, Martin Legosi Graves! Join us as we enter in the house of Martin's boss, decipher if this creature is actually a duck, and finally know what it means for your hungry, hungry eyes to be bigger than your stomach.

ALSO, not a creature nor a joke, Marty is saving up for TOP SURGERY! So PLEASE help out if you can at Marty's fund, which can be found at https://gofund.me/3796bb2b. Every little bit helps! 


Credits

Val Petrone as Anchor Val Petrone

Marty L Graves as Ghxstbuster Martin Legosi Graves

Sound FX found on freesound.org

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The Creature Report: Episode 25, Thorenguard

Sat, 17 Jul 2021 06:14:41 GMT

Out for a day in the park, you'll never know who you'll find- or what you'll find! Take Thorenguard, for example. Thorenguard was minding her own business when suddenly, approaching them came anchor Val Petrone and, guest of the episode and the official creature therapist of Creature Report, Jess Lynne! Get to know our new friend with us as we talk what might legs be (conceptually), how those eyelashes get to look so good, and one (or two) of the many misogynistic men of the 90s (and no, it's not Dame Judi Dench).


Credits

Val Petrone as Anchor Val Petrone

Jess Lynne as Creature Report therapist Jess Lynne

Sound FX found on freesound.org

Park ambience: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AAdQWF5Dg78

Content warnings

-brief discussion of gross bodily fluids (mucus)


Kds'r vzsbg rnldsghmf snfdsgdq, qdonqsdq. 

Ld, zmc xnt, zmc gdq, zmc sgd sgdl.

Kds'r rhs snfdsgdq.

Kds'r knnj snfdsgdq.

Rnnm, qdonqsdq. Rnnm, khrsdmdq. 

Sgd cduhk'r hm sgd cdszhkr. 

 

The Creature Report: Episode 24, Tender Angel

Mon, 12 Jul 2021 04:36:28 GMT

Did you leave out the chickie tendos again? Great- now we know where they went, at least. This week, we're analyzing the Tender Angel, a beautiful creature with *checks notes* translucent wings, eats with it's backside, and a huge donger. Thankfully, we're not in this alone, as we're joined with one of the leading experts of the crypto-field, codename Professor Einstein Erudition! So join Val, the Professor, Tender Angel, and Bjork for a fun night time hang in the kitchen!

Credits

Val Petrone as Anchor Val Petrone

Aron Brown as Professor Einstein Erudition

with special guests....

Mae Murphy as Mae/The Tender Angel (catchphrase only)

Leo Garcia as Bjorkish (singing)

Sound FX found on freesound.org

Nighttime ambience: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cwc0cVOFu10


Content warnings

-discussion of genitalia (in a lighthearted manner) 


Pcnmprcp, mf pcnmpr-

Qmml ctcpwmlc ugjj ilmu 

Wmsp qcapcrq ugjj zc pctcyjcb

Dpmk jmle, jmle yem.

bm wms ctcl pckckzcp, bcyp pcnmprcp




 

The Creature Report: Episode 23, New Stepdad

Sat, 19 Jun 2021 04:36:47 GMT

A smoky bar, 7 ft tall people, and a creature who almost could be Billy Joel, if Billy Joel's eyes were shaped like Massachusetts  (both in eye shape and in pupil). Welcome back to a regular episode of Creature Report, featuring our friend looking for a new friend, codename Conrad Growler (cool name, right?). Join Conrad and I as we introduce ourselves to a big, beefy, POSSIBLY many armed possibly not many armed New Stepdad. Happy Father's day? 

Content Warnings: though no explicit nature occurs in this episode, there is conversation of shitty parental figures in this episode. 

All sounds used in this episode can be found on freesound.org


Zlkoxa txp illhfkd clo pljblkb ql cfdeq efp pqbm axa fk xii qeb ofdeq mixzbp.

Sxi fp illhfkd clo xkptbop fk xii qeb tolkd lkbp.

Zebzh pljbqefkd vlr'ob cxjfifxo tfqe, obmloqbo. 

Qoxfk vlro yoxfk.

 

The Creature Report: Episode 22, Jim....or is it Tim? the Intern

Sat, 05 Jun 2021 03:16:06 GMT

As we escaped the clutches of Qwerty last week, we take a lil break from creatures to let you meet our new intern! This is a recording from the Intern's first day we accidentally took, but it had some great stuff regarding creature exploration and how we do things here at the Creature Report studios! Great thanks to newest member of the team....uh....Tim? no no, wait. Jim. Jim the intern. 

Content Warnings: though no explicit nature occurs in this episode, we will be talking about HR compliancy/safety in a light manner. 

All sounds used in this episode can be found on freesound.org


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-.-. .... .. .-.. -.. .... --- --- -.. / - --- -.-- ... --..-- / -.-. .... .. .-.. -.. .... --- --- -.. / ..-. .-. .. . -. -.. ... .-.-.- / .-- .... .- - .----. ... / --- -. / - .... .- - / - .-. .- .. -. .. -. --. / ...- .. -.. . --- / -- -.-- / ..-. .-. .. . -. -.. ..--..

 

The Creature Report: Episode 21, Qwerty

Sat, 22 May 2021 03:15:11 GMT

In a world of felt creation,

imagination is our play station.

Folks, friends, and pals all invited

to the place where dreams are ignited

welcome young and old unto

a place of magic Szechuan Avenue!


.......

......but somethings wrong, isn't it? 

 

The Creature Report: Episode 20, MegaFraiser

Sat, 08 May 2021 06:13:54 GMT

Things are getting Weird around here on this weeks Creature Report. Weirder than usual, that is. This week we meet Ash Delaney, from “the Department of Transportation”, in a Barnes and Noble while discussing Jordans, beach balls, and ultimately our assimilation within the one true being that is simply known as: MegaFraiser.

Content Warnings: hypnotic, drug-induced psychosis

Love Ash and want more fun, spooky, goofy, and good content? Check out some more of Ash and their adventures with Hal Bishop over at jointheweird.com.

All sound fx found on freesound.org

Whiskey Whiskey Whiskey Stop Juliett Oscar India November Tango Hotel Echo Mike Echo Golf Alfa Foxtrot Romeo Alfa India Sierra Echo Romeo Stop Charlie Oscar Mike 

 

The Creature Report: Episode 19, Replaced Jeff

Sat, 24 Apr 2021 02:38:46 GMT

After a bit of a hiatus, we're back and more monsterous than ever with PODCASTING'S OWN JEFF STORMER!!!! I know, we could hardly contain our excitement either. With Jeff, we meet up with a viscous sort of friend with a large body, brass knuckles for snacks, and an interest not only in Bruce Springsteen, but....well......Podcasting's Own Jeff Stormer! (who doesnt, though). Content warning, dear listeners and viewers, for light and fun horror based on doppelgangers and mimics.

All sfx done by Jeff Stormer & utilized from freesound.org

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The Creature Report: Episode 18, Molieye, The Thunderchaser

Sat, 20 Mar 2021 05:04:48 GMT

What has different eyes for different partners, is Beyoncé’s least favorite creature, knows the name of Zeus' penis, and has a huge crush on Chester Arthur? Well, find out tonight on a new Creature Report with Val Petrone and tonight’s guest, the magical, mystical, multifaceted creature handler and podcaster with a few godlike tendencies, JV Hampton-VanSant.

SFX

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=40R1IJg08E4

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bRjzVuk6Sgs

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h6_8SlZZwvQ

Also a clip from Batman Forever. It's free use.

Uzadv gx lzw ygvk, qgm'dd zsnw lg skkmew. Tml vwwh af lzwaj zwsjl kgewlzafy tayywj vgwk tdgge.....qgm'dd kww al kggf. Ow'dd sdd kww al kggf. sfv A hjsq lg lzw ygvk al oadd fgl dwsv lg vgge.

 

The Creature Report: Episode 17, Arby

Sun, 14 Mar 2021 04:05:45 GMT

Be kind today, we're approaching what some call "a gay little man that fucks good", as we meet up with friend of the show Arthur (no last name) and ......Arthur....or, Arthur and Arby. We figure it out by the end, we promise. So get your smoochin' lips ready, because this creature won't leave until the pact is sealed, and keep an eye on the curly fries. 

Sound FX

Ambiance: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dtwef1_CnYw

lives.

 

The Creature Report: Episode 16, Mombo

Sat, 06 Mar 2021 03:58:36 GMT

In quite the pickle tonight, viewers and listeners- or maybe, quite the chocolate orange? We get on the hunt for Miibo and find something a little different, all in the backyard Val's place- Joined with us today is local chocolatier and coffee crafter Emery Crumb, who is looking for a lost friend in all the right places. 

Sound FX

Outdoors: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lec06acI6dE

Coffee: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rS8VgZW_fsY

Mombo crunch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_kabxNJM1k

Additional SFX: Val Petrone

Sxesebqjui, sevvuui, qdt vkdae fefi jee. Ijybb medtuhydw mxo yj'i xuhu jxqj Cyyre vbum.

 

The Creature Report: Episode 15, Wigglesworth

Sun, 28 Feb 2021 04:00:00 GMT

We've got the purrrrfect creature for you today, viewers and listeners- all thanks to the help of podcasting powerhouse and audio wizard Ryan Boelter and his amazing audio prowess. Come join us in an abandoned amusement park where birds sing, cats meow, and Wigglesworth judges our taste in 80s rock and pop music. 

Sound FX found on https://freesound.org/

https://freesound.org/people/cloe.king/sounds/452797/

https://freesound.org/people/Zabuhailo/sounds/146960/

https://freesound.org/people/InspectorJ/sounds/456440/

https://freesound.org/people/Counter-gamer/sounds/213889/

https://freesound.org/people/Timmeh515/sounds/413277/

https://freesound.org/people/Snapper4298/sounds/255588/

Additional SFX: Val Petrone

L afcctyr ncplefcp slepd 80d cznv, jpe azfc dzxp dfrlc lyo hlens zfe qzc te'd ......olynp

 

The Creature Report: Episode 14, The Not Daniel

Sat, 20 Feb 2021 05:36:18 GMT

Tonight, viewers and listeners, we’re meeting up with my old friend from set- Glormph the Amorphous Blob to meet a friend of his whose abundance of video game skills and just right amount of boobs will have you saying “wait, is this creature going to rip off my entire arm?”. Venture into this apartment complex with us as we meet Daniel---er, not Daniel.

Sound FX:

Glormph noise: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hp42HCcgyic

City Ambience: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aewy0lS3DG4

Footsteps: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5v3FY_HrC2I

Elevator: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DdAm1wtuSgs

Additional SFX: Val Petrone


wh hccy am ofa pih w fsufsk wh ghfcbusf, bck am ofag tssz hsb hwasg zcbusf.


 

The Creature Report: Episode 13, Sporty Roach

Mon, 15 Feb 2021 06:57:06 GMT

Happy Valentine’s Day, viewers and listeners. Tonight we have treats galore for you as we meet Sporty Roach, a creature whose interest in LARPing as an athletic person takes us to the community center pool and the local pizzaria. Joining us on this venture is the cute and pretty— I mean, clever and proficient former college turned newscaster Mitt Brinkman.

Sound FX credit

Tentacle effect : https://www.soundsnap.com/search/audio/Grabbing+meat+with+wet+slaps/score

Additional FX : Val Petrone

Unccl Inyragvar'f Qnl, fjrrgurnegf. Ybir vf arire jung vg frrzf.

 

The Creature Report: Episode 12, Chip

Sat, 06 Feb 2021 04:00:00 GMT

It's been a while, hasn't it......

 

The Creature Report: Episode 11, Roomie

Fri, 05 Feb 2021 18:00:00 GMT

It's been a long backlog, listeners and viewers. So here's the last one from Halloween: Tonight, instead of hitting the bars or partying, we're staying in with out guest anchor Ghosty and their new roommate, Roomie. Join us for talks about ghost hunting videos, living pet rocks, and definitely not Val getting sucked into the fifth dimension underneath Ghosty's couch. q

 

The Creature Report: Episode 10, Charles

Fri, 05 Feb 2021 05:00:00 GMT

Grab your candy corn and divorce lawyer- the Creature Report sets out on a stakeout! Parked across the street from a spooky house, we're joined in tonights creature watch by none other than Addison Peacock! (No, not that Addison Peacock. A ghost who lives in the car with no relation to Addison Peacock, we swear). Will we find a spooky friend? Or perhaps a vile foe? Grab your penny candies and tune in to find out! y

 

The Creature Report: Episode 9, Scottye Moore

Thu, 04 Feb 2021 17:00:00 GMT

Today we're greeted and co-anchored by Creature Report SUPERFAN Scottye Moore. Though we'll say the creature that they brought us too was a bit underwhelming, the emotions ran high and we wound up realizing that maybe the Creature Report was the friends you made along the way....or at least, the fans with a few personalities and bodily changes. a

 

The Creature Report: Episode 8, Tartarus

Thu, 04 Feb 2021 04:00:00 GMT

Lions and tigers and bears and creatures and monsters and cryptids, oh my! We're going out into the woods today with artist, performer, and creature psychic extraordinaire Krem Zaroogian! Here we meet a hot sort of cryptid with glitches, tentacles, and a pipe that would make most stoners cringe on sight. t

 

The Creature Report: Episode 7, Stick

Wed, 03 Feb 2021 04:42:31 GMT

Hitting the park today, meeting our new leggy, large, and legalist creature, Stick! Or, it's named Stick by our guest today, a whip-smart talking dog with a taste for biscuits and the unusual, our puppy pal Piper! Join me and my coanchor for dream reading, language discussion, and a Popeyes chicken sandwich. q

 

The Creature Report: Episode 6, This Is Not A Ghost

Tue, 02 Feb 2021 15:23:51 GMT

Join just Val, and whatever this thing is. It's just Not A Ghost. y

 

The Creature Report: Episode 5, A Nameless, Dimensionful Creature

Mon, 01 Feb 2021 06:13:22 GMT

We're going to the museum this episode of the Creature Report, meeting a creature we can see so many (69) sides of. Join Val Petrone and today's guest anchor, actress, podcast, and true dream of a being Alice Kyra, as we connect with a nameless, dimensionful creature who protects lgbt+ folks and screams psychically about stra--straig--oh, just tune in. a

 

The Creature Report: Episode 4, Beak Face

Sun, 31 Jan 2021 05:43:29 GMT

TW; themes of unreality

We're back, friends and foes, with another episode of Creature Report. Tonight, we dive into an abandoned(?) mall and come face to faceless with Beak Face. The mononymous, fabulous monster match maker and clown killer Nova gives us some monster dating tips while they join us for this reality bending creature. o

 

The Creature Report: Episode 3, Gargorls

Sat, 30 Jan 2021 06:03:36 GMT

Okay....let's get this one over with. Today's Creature Report might be a bit....underwhelming? Sorry about that; the monster is cool! The guest is....well....Alex Flanigan, FORMERLY of Cryptid Keeper. Let's get this show on the road, nothing to see here, except a psychic polyamorous gargoyle. x

 

The Creature Report: Episode 2, Rosy

Fri, 29 Jan 2021 05:26:13 GMT

Things are getting a little rosy here on Creature Report number 2! We're  joined by night cryptojournalist Mae Murphy for wild things that go bump in the night in a Chuck E  C-- I mean, a Childrens Entertainment Venue. Lots of teeth? Christian rock? Mysterious ringing? All that and more, when you tune in! q

 

The Creature Report: Episode 1, The Twinkle Pink Star Juice

Thu, 28 Jan 2021 05:34:34 GMT

Breaking news! We head to the office to catch a brand new monster with 34 peepers peeled all around. Join senior anchor Val Petrone, and todays guest anchor author, educator, and podcaster @AidanChaser- Chase to meet the gooshiest corporate cog of a monster on the premiere episode of: the Creature Report. i