Pork Fried Dice - A Dungeons & Dragons Podcast
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Creator: Pork Fried Dice
Synopsis:
Pork Fried Dice is an actual-play Dungeons and Dragons podcast where we try to tell a compelling story, but have fun doing it. That is to say, we take the story seriously, but we don’t take ourselves too seriously. Our goal is to have a show where our listeners feel like they are at the table with us. We are a roleplay-heavy podcast, because we like character interaction, but we’re also a group of people that make crude jokes, anachronistic references, and godawful (or clever, if you’re into that kind of thing) puns. Enjoy! ----------------------- Email: PorkFriedDice@gmail.com. Twitter: @PorkFriedDice. Find out more: www.porkfrieddice.com
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Episodes:
Mon, 18 Nov 2024 13:14:00 +0000
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Alternate Titles
Owlbear Courts
It's Always Like That In Dreams
369: Vertical Wooden Constructive Material Components
Mon, 11 Nov 2024 06:00:00 +0000
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Alternate Titles
Can't Pick It? It's Time to Kik It!
I Should Move The Fish
Not Quite Zorning, But Close
I Could Never Forget This Door
He's Gone Full Batthwack Mode
Mon, 04 Nov 2024 06:00:00 +0000
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Alternate Titles
Strowned... Stroden... Strudeled
367: 700 Darts That All Fire At His Neck
Mon, 28 Oct 2024 05:00:00 +0000
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Alternate Titles
You Had Tenure The Moment You Walked Into My Life
At Least His Head Didn't Fall Off
Try Not To Think About Darts In Your Eye
Hola, Hola, Hola, Merci
Hola, Dolly!
I Think I Have Something in my Patchouli Pocket
Reel In Some Catches So We Can Keep the Kitchen Flowing With That Fish Juice
I Thought This Was The Forever Boat
366: This Is an Intervention About You Saying Nar All the Time
Mon, 21 Oct 2024 05:00:00 +0000
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Alternate Titles
I Wasn't Listening, I Was Thinking About My Accent
Substance Abuse Disorders For Broads
Pork Fried Discretion/Pretty Fuckin' Discrete
I Think We Need To Have an Intervention for Adam
Imagine a Rainbow With Spikes On It That Wiggles
I'm Gonna Catch It For Sure Now!
Mon, 14 Oct 2024 05:00:00 +0000
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I Think We Should Split Up
The Greatest Adventure is Looking At The Walls
I Think They're Called Waterstrings
Mon, 07 Oct 2024 04:28:32 +0000
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Demands Are Like Air-Pinions
He Does Good Custom Tats
363: You Would Have to Share the Room With Laser
Mon, 19 Aug 2024 05:00:00 +0000
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Out of Sight, Out of Anus
Mon, 12 Aug 2024 12:45:00 +0000
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If We Ever Start Playing D&D, It'll Matter
Mon, 05 Aug 2024 05:00:00 +0000
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Did You Sell That God?
Holy Feces
No Wait. You Forgot The Bird Shit.
Shit-Talk/Shit-Shit
Mon, 29 Jul 2024 05:00:00 +0000
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Did You Have Good Swim?
Your Inner Rectum
Do Not Yuck My Om
Mon, 15 Jul 2024 12:18:00 +0000
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The Episode Where We Didn’t Start Playing D&D Until 35 Minutes Passed (And That Was With Editing!)
Let's Stop TALKING About D&D and Let's PLAY D&D
We're Writing This Story Slower Than George R. R. Martin
Mon, 01 Jul 2024 05:00:00 +0000
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Squeeze One Out For Batthwack
Classic Lean
Hey Mister, This Boat's Occupied
357: A Serpent in a Pierogi: THAT I Would Eat
Mon, 24 Jun 2024 05:00:00 +0000
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Batthwack: Enemy to the Working Class
356: I'm Clearly Navigating a Proboscis
Mon, 17 Jun 2024 05:00:00 +0000
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Such a Nooootable (Generic) Individual
It's Pretty Great To Be At My Own Mourner's Feast
355: There's No Escaping Mark Jesson
Mon, 10 Jun 2024 05:00:00 +0000
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Lofted Brimmed Bone Shelf Job
"Luggage" Doesn't Roll Off The Tongue Like Captain Clockface
We Are Very Socially Inappropriate When Meeting New People
354: I Have Bad Dreams and My Pee Smells Funny
Mon, 03 Jun 2024 05:00:00 +0000
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I Mustard up the Will to Keep On Going
A Magic Fishing Line
There's Fish and Mustard Everywhere Already
Mon, 27 May 2024 05:00:00 +0000
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Hero's Slash Mourner's Choice
Mon, 20 May 2024 05:00:00 +0000
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Mon, 06 May 2024 05:00:00 +0000
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Metamorphic? More like Meta-moron
That Old Lady is Felling Down the Cliff
Zorning in the Morning
Mon, 29 Apr 2024 05:00:00 +0000
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Mon, 22 Apr 2024 05:00:00 +0000
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A Lobstercle
Mon, 15 Apr 2024 05:00:00 +0000
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347: A Retroactive Terminal Illness
Mon, 08 Apr 2024 05:00:00 +0000
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Please Silence and Put Away Your Crossbows
This Isn't a Gucci Crossbow
It's a Strip-Duel
Thank you, Doctor Oibvious
346: The Death of Batthwack Medrach
Mon, 01 Apr 2024 04:24:42 +0000
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I Have No Description, I Have No Name
This is Clearly An NPC That I've Described
345: They Were At Lemon's Leap!
Mon, 18 Mar 2024 05:00:00 +0000
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It's a Good Thing Will Has Diarrhea
344: The Peaks Are What They Seem
Mon, 11 Mar 2024 02:41:55 +0000
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RA!
One Corn At the North Pole, One Corn At the South Pole
343: An Abandoned Outhouse in the Middle of Town
Mon, 26 Feb 2024 06:00:00 +0000
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Adam, That's Very Igneount of You
Lay Them Loosely And Limply Upon His Lapels
Brown Treat
Raphina Turns Into the Sun
Hankie Nookie Canoodle
Mon, 19 Feb 2024 06:00:00 +0000
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I Did Give It Some Tiny Maracas
Oh... Toosh
341: King Batthwack Is Not an Extreme Couponer
Mon, 12 Feb 2024 06:00:00 +0000
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Swedish Meatball King
I Will Call Him Will's Eminence
Um Soup
Casket Soup
340: The Great Court Case of Haps v. Wiles
Mon, 05 Feb 2024 06:00:00 +0000
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Mustard Therapist
We Got Community and We've Got Vouchers
Don't Play Dumb With Me, Turtle
Mon, 29 Jan 2024 06:00:00 +0000
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Very Focused, Ferry Focused
Alenciovay Eigemanbay
Hello, Boat Person (...?)
A Piano Here
338: He Shall Jump on a Trampoline in the Autumn Time
Mon, 22 Jan 2024 06:00:00 +0000
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From the Falls the King Shall Rise
At the Orthopedic Surgeon Behind the Falls
Math, Books, and Matters of the Heart
Is That a Ferret Coffin In Your Pocket?
337: The First Time Batthwack EVER Got It
Mon, 15 Jan 2024 06:00:00 +0000
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Strategically Placed Lambdas
The Top of Mount Dumbass
Is Batthwack An IKEA Item?
Pavlov's Zone of Truth
Mon, 08 Jan 2024 06:00:00 +0000
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The Ferry Person's Fantastic Fanual
The Odor of Knowledge
Showferrying
Raphonly Fans
335: I Draw the Line at Beating up Funeral Participants
Mon, 11 Dec 2023 06:00:00 +0000
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Somewhere Between Squalid and Marble
Fuck, Then Eat The Rich
No Probing! (Sorry Rosco!)
Mon, 04 Dec 2023 01:52:16 +0000
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Let's Beverly Hillbillies It
Gary on the Ferry
A Sack of Flour, A Fox, A Goose, A Scorpion and a Ferry Queen
Terrary-Ferry Mode
Harpoon the Fo'c'sles!
Batten Down The Parrot!
The Ferret's Name is Galdar Now
Mon, 27 Nov 2023 06:00:00 +0000
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Ye Olde Knives and Toothpicks
This Florist is Disgusting
Mon, 20 Nov 2023 04:51:14 +0000
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Honk If You Love Zantras
Rosco and the Awoogas
Mon, 13 Nov 2023 06:00:00 +0000
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Red Leather, Yellow Leather, Hippo Nipples, Hippo Nipples
You Waterboard Him in the Zone of Truth
A Petty Zoo
330: I Don’t Want One of Your Hair Doughnuts
Mon, 06 Nov 2023 04:07:54 +0000
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Am I Hallucinating the Beautiful Day?
He Can't Wink, He Has a Cloaca
Lizard Men Can't Wink
I Did Not Prepare for Suncoco
329: Some Kind of Horrible Piano Accident
Mon, 23 Oct 2023 05:00:00 +0000
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You're Right - We Need to Call On Zantras Again
Libeartoggle Mutual
Pee Out My Pun Blockers
Save a Spell Slot For Me
328: The 78 Exotic Grasses of Beartoggle
Mon, 16 Oct 2023 05:00:00 +0000
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Why Do You Think I'm So Lachrymose?
Feel The Breath On Your Cheek
I Don't Want One Of Your Hair Doughnuts
Am I Hallucinating the Beautiful Day?
Mon, 09 Oct 2023 05:00:00 +0000
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Queef It Out
My Mustard Camel Pack EXISTS!
326: That's My Domain, Don't Wear it Out
Mon, 02 Oct 2023 05:00:00 +0000
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Interdimensional Gloryhole
So, You Do Have Your Penis
Do The Orbs Have Your Penis Now?
325: I Can Always Hear Raphina
Mon, 25 Sep 2023 05:00:00 +0000
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Mon, 18 Sep 2023 05:00:00 +0000
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My Rigid, Turgid Game
Is Straw Considered an Ally?
Paladin-and-Out
Mon, 11 Sep 2023 05:00:00 +0000
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Chicken Chicken Bow Wow
A Buddy Kelps Comedy
Aura of Porridge
Sheemie Is My Veal
Bonk Is the Lavender of Sounds!
Mon, 04 Sep 2023 05:00:00 +0000
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Mon, 28 Aug 2023 05:16:00 +0000
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I Declare DISCONCOITEDNESS!
And... What's You?
Mon, 14 Aug 2023 05:00:00 +0000
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Killing People Is Very Normal
I'm a Man Drinking My Ale and Learning to Read
319: Sir, Your Horse Is Out of Tune
Mon, 07 Aug 2023 05:00:00 +0000
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318: Don't Eat The Butt Mustard!
Mon, 31 Jul 2023 05:00:00 +0000
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317: 1,000 Mugs of Twig Tea on the Wall
Sun, 23 Jul 2023 23:53:14 +0000
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The Three of Hearts
Mon, 03 Jul 2023 05:00:00 +0000
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A Garbage Bag Full of Secrets
Mon, 26 Jun 2023 02:22:52 +0000
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A Garbage Bag Full of Secrets
Tue, 13 Jun 2023 01:38:59 +0000
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Baromian Numerals
12 Baromian Noodles
313: Raphina is Zippin' Around This Pit
Mon, 05 Jun 2023 05:00:00 +0000
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DOUBLE PRESTIDIGITATED
Tue, 30 May 2023 00:19:09 +0000
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A E I O U and Sometimes Why, God, Why?!
Mon, 15 May 2023 01:20:18 +0000
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I've Had Enough of Abysses
I Wonder Which Way Our Barf Goes?
That's Who's I'ms Really Ams
310: What Kind of God Needs a Carnival?
Mon, 01 May 2023 05:33:00 +0000
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God Pinata
A Sitar Starts Playing
A Wilhelm Hoot
You're The Only One Who's Not High or Old or Weird
Chewing Mobacco
Fucking Squishy-Floored Carnivals
A Fun Place For Kids and Lizards
309: I'm Wearing My Cinderblock Pants
Mon, 24 Apr 2023 05:00:00 +0000
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His Head ROFLs
Sideways Knife Chandelier
That Was Your First Ever Boyfriend :-(
308: My Pinky Finger Is Very Precise!
Sun, 16 Apr 2023 22:29:14 +0000
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I Hope He Wasn't Just Acting!
... In a Bad, Ghost Way
Stop Jerking!
Actor's Name Has Been Redacted
Oh No! There's So Much Corn
One Last R&R
307: I Didn't Eat Any Cheating Cake :(
Mon, 03 Apr 2023 02:28:56 +0000
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Wood Just Gives It a Bit of Texture
He's In His Mind Tent
The S.S. Corndog
306: We’ll Put a Candle in a Fish
Mon, 27 Mar 2023 05:00:00 +0000
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Regular, Circus, or Spicy Brown
I Paid Extra to Have it Removed
Pompi-ON, Pompi-OFF
A Trick Corndog
Mon, 20 Mar 2023 05:00:00 +0000
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He Was 32 Before This Tackle Happened
My Name's Goigle
Groindmoi and Groindpoi
Cast "Insincere Prayer"
304: We Can Get the Cold Mustard Out of the House!
Mon, 13 Mar 2023 05:00:00 +0000
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STAY WEIRD
Do I Look Like A Desert?
I'm Sure I'm Charming
303: This Is Going to Feel Very Unhelpful
Mon, 06 Mar 2023 06:00:00 +0000
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Do You Always Do What Badgers Tell You To Do, Raphina?
302: So Profound, and Yet So Unhelpful
Mon, 27 Feb 2023 06:00:00 +0000
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Dock, Dock, Caboose
...What Are The Rules For That?
Puzzle Master Until Proven Stupid
301: I'm Gonna Have to Give Its Family a Refund
Mon, 20 Feb 2023 03:51:00 +0000
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It Fell Off The Back of an Anglerfish
300: Clearly Not, Based on This 2-Hour Conversation
Mon, 06 Feb 2023 06:00:00 +0000
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Mon, 30 Jan 2023 06:00:00 +0000
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Mon, 23 Jan 2023 06:00:00 +0000
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Gods on a Plane!
297: I Would Use the Word "Rubbing"
Tue, 17 Jan 2023 00:41:00 +0000
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All Copses are Kelps
296: Stilled By the Majestic Boringness
Mon, 09 Jan 2023 06:00:00 +0000
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Fishionary
295: I'm the King of Beartoggle Lake!
Sun, 01 Jan 2023 19:13:00 +0000
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Mon, 19 Dec 2022 06:00:00 +0000
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A Very Tall, Metallic Soul
Raphina Always Puts The Seat Down
293: Fins, Gills, Angles, Scales, Eyes, Fins, Dorsal Pieces and Teeth
Mon, 12 Dec 2022 06:00:00 +0000
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Disarray, Dat Array, Manta Ray
Crank, Oddball, Shield, Disarray
The Position of a Squat Man
Mon, 05 Dec 2022 00:10:00 +0000
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A Handful of Spatulas
291: Two or Three Minutes Per Minute
Mon, 21 Nov 2022 06:00:00 +0000
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IT'S SOLVED.
290: Between "Gaping" and Other Things
Mon, 14 Nov 2022 06:00:00 +0000
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Mon, 07 Nov 2022 06:00:00 +0000
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Varicose Veins Appear EVERYWHERE
288: Gimme a Break, Like My Foot
Mon, 31 Oct 2022 05:00:00 +0000
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EMOTIONALLY!
Personally Derived Mustard
Mustard for Mustard
287: Next Time You Hear White Noise...
Mon, 24 Oct 2022 05:00:00 +0000
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Wherefore Art Thou, Debra?
Sun, 16 Oct 2022 17:45:00 +0000
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Otis Myer Weiner
285: Everybody Breathes a Sigh of Relief
Sun, 16 Oct 2022 17:30:00 +0000
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Mon, 03 Oct 2022 05:00:00 +0000
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283: One Does Not Simply Walk Into BoarDoor
Mon, 26 Sep 2022 11:42:00 +0000
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You Don't Have To Lick It
282: Shrek 2, Shrek 2, Shrek 2, Shrek 2
Mon, 19 Sep 2022 05:00:00 +0000
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Mon, 12 Sep 2022 05:00:00 +0000
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280: Intestines Gloobing Everywhere
Mon, 08 Aug 2022 05:00:00 +0000
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Oathbow in One Hand, Mace in the Other, Mayonnaise in the Third
Mon, 01 Aug 2022 05:00:00 +0000
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We're Not Splitting The Mayonnaise Atom, Here
278: I'm Gonna Cast Dis Spell!
Mon, 25 Jul 2022 22:25:00 +0000
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Rosco LaFleur Ruined Pork Fried Dice
277: Your Marriage Is a Win-Win for Me
Mon, 18 Jul 2022 05:00:00 +0000
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We've Finally Found the *Real* Poop Room
Mon, 11 Jul 2022 05:00:00 +0000
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Is Sibadu a Dog?
Don't Follow the Mustard Man!
That'd Be a Weird Thing to Do In the Poop Room
275: Am I Ever Gonna Make Any Friends?
Mon, 27 Jun 2022 05:00:00 +0000
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I'm No Adventurer, I'm Just a Bellhop
No Need To Tip Me, I Don't Think I Earned It Today
Sometimes Stabbing Blend In With Normal Life
He Is Stinky Of Lavender
Andy Circus: Come On In!
Through The Poop Window
I Think We Could Get Off To A Great Start On This Little Mission Of Ours
She's Cool, She Drinks a Lot of Tea, She Looks Out for People, She's Really Weird
Mon, 20 Jun 2022 22:29:00 +0000
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S-H-I-I-M-WHY?
273: Loaded Baked Potato Water
Mon, 13 Jun 2022 05:00:00 +0000
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It's a Kink R Us
I'm Playing D&D With a Bunch of TEA DRINKERS
272: Wiggle, Wiggle; Wiggle, Wiggle
Tue, 31 May 2022 02:24:00 +0000
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The DM Just Gave Me a Special Finger
Bacon, Loam & Twigs
Tue, 24 May 2022 02:30:00 +0000
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The One Where Eric Calls Alex "Bae"
This Has Not Been Your Day, Batthwack
Maybe That's What the Butt-Crank Does to You
Merciless Storytelling
270: Nothing Like a Juicy Amethyst!
Mon, 16 May 2022 05:00:00 +0000
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Fluid Containment and Red Rocket - Unbelievable!
I Hope You Didn't Get This At The Gift Shop for the Puppet Theatre!
269: A Triple Axel? Oh, Very Nice!
Mon, 09 May 2022 05:00:00 +0000
Our community Discord!
Our imposing PFD wiki!
Alternate titles:
What's The Least Suspicious Amount of Stains on a Cushion?
Billie Owlish
Batthwack Starts Twerking
268: Basement, Casement, Familiar Facement
Mon, 02 May 2022 21:36:00 +0000
Our community Discord!
Our supportive PFD wiki!
Alternate titles:
We Have To Go and Look At The Nudies
I'll Think About... Anime
267: Mo’s Riding Steed on the Lake in My Dreams
Mon, 25 Apr 2022 05:00:00 +0000
Our community Discord!
Our phat PFD wiki!
Alternate titles:
"Will Cause Rash"
Will, Where Are Your Shoes?
I Wouldn't Be Caught DEAD Wearing a d4 Hat!
He Stole Your Foot!
The Therapist Master Strikes Again!
Suddenly, You're ALL Staring
Mon, 18 Apr 2022 05:00:00 +0000
Our community Discord!
Our utopian PFD wiki!
Alternate titles:
Whacks Museum
265: Non-Conductive Plated Butt Cover
Mon, 11 Apr 2022 05:52:00 +0000
Our community Discord!
Our scholarly PFD wiki!
Alternate titles:
A Slaad's Little Butt
Wed, 06 Apr 2022 04:06:00 +0000
Our community Discord!
Our freaky fresh PFD wiki!
Alternate titles:
Home Alone Style
I Hope You're Wearing Your Cloaca-Cup
Think of All the Orange Boxes!
Like a Game of Connect Four
Right in the Froghole
P.S. I'm Cartwheeling
Hahahaeldritchblast!
263: I Need Some More...Rhinoplasty
Sun, 27 Mar 2022 05:00:00 +0000
Our community Discord!
Our bodacious PFD wiki!
Alternate titles:
Buoyant Armor
Hug Your Whiteboard Close To You
I Really Hope My FitBit Counts These As Steps!
I Stop Saying "Wee"
262: On Your Marks, Get Set, STAIRCASE!
Mon, 21 Mar 2022 05:00:00 +0000
Our community Discord!
Our scrumptious PFD wiki!
Alternate titles:
Crepe Nuts
The Ceremonial Mid-Point High-Five!
261: I Popped SO MANY Water Balloons!
Mon, 14 Mar 2022 05:00:00 +0000
Our community Discord!
Our awe-inspiring PFD wiki!
Alternate titles:
Dogfenestration
Did I Sign a Raphina Contract At Some Point?
260: Batthwack Yells And Then Smashes... *gasp*
Mon, 07 Mar 2022 06:00:00 +0000
Our community Discord!
Our congenial PFD wiki!
Mon, 14 Feb 2022 05:13:00 +0000
Our community Discord!
Our decadent PFD wiki!
Our recap-accompanying video!
255: Have You Ever Played, Uh, Hopscotch?
Mon, 31 Jan 2022 05:37:00 +0000
Our community Discord!
Our hoopy PFD wiki!
254: I'll Hug Them Until They Enroll
Mon, 24 Jan 2022 09:37:00 +0000
Our community Discord!
Our astonishing PFD wiki!
253: Only My FRIENDS Call Me Shortstack!
Tue, 18 Jan 2022 04:08:00 +0000
Our community Discord!
Our super-de-dooper PFD wiki!
252: The Pied Piper of Puppetry
Mon, 10 Jan 2022 05:35:00 +0000
Our community Discord!
Our matchless PFD wiki!
Mon, 03 Jan 2022 06:00:00 +0000
Hey, an actual task this week! If you listen to the episode, you'll see that we reference the Special Combo. I want you this week to create the Special Combo (a virgin version is completely acceptable if you prefer), drink it, and relay your experience on our community Discord (link below). A video will earn you five stars, but even a retelling is worth some points.
Our community Discord!
Our undefeated PFD wiki!
249: I Need A Pedicure, Rainbow Trout :(
Mon, 20 Dec 2021 08:00:00 +0000
Our community Discord!
Our verdant PFD wiki!
248: I'm Bloodhorn Leghorn and I'm a Sheep
Mon, 13 Dec 2021 08:00:00 +0000
Our community Discord!
Our aromatic PFD wiki!
247: He Still Doesn't Know He's on a Podcast
Mon, 06 Dec 2021 08:00:00 +0000
Our community Discord!
Our resplendent PFD wiki!
246: A Pompion's Guide to Six Rivers
Mon, 22 Nov 2021 09:41:00 +0000
It's haiku time again! I know I have proffered this task before, as I just did so last week, and the week before, but fuck it. We're bringing it back. Again. Twice. Visit our community Discord, find a comfy spot, and throw down some sick haikus! I wonder if there are any good accidental haikus on our glorious PFD wiki... Go check it out and find one!
It's haiku EDR tasks all the way down
Wed, 17 Nov 2021 12:38:00 +0000
It's haiku time again! I know I have proffered this task before, as I just did so last week, but fuck it. We're bringing it back. Again. Visit our community Discord, find a comfy spot, and throw down some sick haikus! I wonder if there are any good accidental haikus on our glorious PFD wiki... Go check it out and find one!
244: Saying Someone Sucks Is Evil
Mon, 08 Nov 2021 05:01:00 +0000
It's haiku time! I may have proffered this task before, but fuck it. We're bringing it back. Visit our community Discord, find a comfy spot, and throw down some sick haikus! I wonder if there are any good accidental haikus on our glorious PFD wiki... Go check it out and find one!
Mon, 01 Nov 2021 09:00:00 +0000
Are you in a country where you're likely to listen to this episode while suffering from a candy hangover? Share your woes on our community Discord, or see what candy has been mentioned on our show so far on the honorable PFD wiki!
Mon, 25 Oct 2021 09:00:00 +0000
In keeping with the spookiness of last week's EDR task, this week you need to check out our community Discord, make pleasantries, and let us know about any amazing costume you've worn. It can be for Halloween, on the stage, for a job, to a convention, or just for fun around the house! And hey, if you have never worn an amazing costume, tell us what costume you wish you were wearing RIGHT NOW. How many costumes has Will donned? Maybe you can find out on the esteemed PFD wiki!
241: Raphina Phalange and the Pots
Mon, 18 Oct 2021 09:00:00 +0000
This week's task, should you choose to accept it - visit our community Discord, introduce yourself, and let us know your favorite Halloween candy. And since I've learned (through our PFD fan interactions!) that Halloween is not necessarily a global touchstone, you can simply tell us your favorite candy. You can also find more than zero references to candy on the lauded PFD wiki!
240: Does The Mutually Match the Exclusive?
Mon, 11 Oct 2021 08:00:00 +0000
Remember, remember the fifth of November, the Alamo, and the Maine! Wait, it's not "remember", it's "fuck, marry, kill!" Of course! Your task this week is to visit our community Discord, say hi, and let us know which of those three dates/forts/ships you would fuck, marry, and kill. You can also find more dates/forts/ships on the incomparable PFD wiki!
239: Recently Extinct Hair-Braiding Bugs
Sun, 03 Oct 2021 08:00:00 +0000
Listeners, we currently have over 99,000 members in our community Discord, - can you be the one to make us hit 100,000?!? To verify claims like this but related to the story we're telling in our show, head on over to the phenomenal PFD wiki!
Mon, 27 Sep 2021 05:14:00 +0000
Today's EDR task comes from someone in our community Discord, which is the perfect place to suggest such a thing. You need to head to said Discord and let us know what PFD quote or quotes you would most want on a t-shirt. You can find lots of examples on the stupendous PFD wiki. Go!
Mon, 20 Sep 2021 05:49:00 +0000
What's your greatest weakness?
Our community Discord
The incomparable PFD wiki.
Tue, 14 Sep 2021 01:38:00 +0000
I'm typing this right before I release the episode, as I wasn't able to get it done last night having stayed up way too late recording an episode of Everwood, Neverwouldn't! It's weird to know that as soon as I hit "Publish Episode", millions of people can (and almost definitely will) read these words. And then they'll flood our community Discord and the PFD wiki, overloading all the servers and stopping all the downloadin'.
Mon, 06 Sep 2021 09:00:00 +0000
Episosde Description Reader Task Alert! Episosde Description Reader Task Alert! EDRTA! EDRTA! It's back to school time, and this week's task is all about education. Head on over to the community Discord and tell us what your favourite subject in school/uni is or was. Biology? Art? Maths? Let us know. But then also tell us what you think the party members' favourites would be as well. Underwater Basket Weaving, perhaps? Who knows - maybe the answer can be found on the PFD wiki, if you feel like cheating!
Mon, 30 Aug 2021 09:04:00 +0000
This is the dawning of the Age of our community Discord! Or is it the Age of the PFD wiki? The great news is you don't have to pick - you can pick your Discord, and you can pick your PFD wiki, but you can't pick your Discord's PFD wiki. Except you can! And must!
233: Leave It To Three Loaf Cleaver
Mon, 23 Aug 2021 09:00:00 +0000
You've got 10 Episode Description reader tasks this week. 10! Head to our community Discord and give me the answers to the following questions:
1. When did you start listening to Pork Fried Dice?
2. Did you start with Episode 1 or try out the latest episode first?
3. Is there a certain way you'd prefer that we communicate important info (like delayed episode releases) to our listeners online?
4. What's your middle name?
5. Would you possibly be interested in any spinoff podcasts from any or all of the cast? Would you prefer that they be D&D-related or not?
6. Have you ever listened to an episode or episodes of PFD more than once? Why?
7. Do you prefer when we split our sessions into two shorter episodes or when we keep them as one longer episode?
8. Do you like the holiday/special episodes more or less than the regular episodes, if forced to decide?
9. Do you ever talk about Pork Fried Dice in your real life to non-listeners of the show? If so, does that person still speak to you?
10. What's your favorite color?
Bonus Task. Visit the incredible PFD wiki and tell me something awesome you find. There's no shortage of content to choose from!
232: Shoulda Bit Him in the Taint
Mon, 16 Aug 2021 09:00:00 +0000
Well, this is a story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside down. And I'd like to take a minute - just sit right there. I'm gonna tell you how I became the prince of a PFD Discord...
...I pulled up to the house about seven or eight and I yelled to the blimp captain, yo Ool, smell ya later! Looked at my kingdom - I was finally there, to sit on my throne as the prince of the PFD wiki.
Mon, 09 Aug 2021 09:47:00 +0000
Long time, no see! That's right, I'm looking at you. Right now. But it's been a long time since I've done this, so it's fine. Community Discord or PFD wiki, anyone? ...Anyone??
Mon, 05 Jul 2021 09:39:00 +0000
For reasons that may or may not become clear (or be already clear depending on when you read this), this week's task is to tell us what your favorite Mario Kart character is! And if you have never played Mario Kart, make up a character that you think is probably in the game! Give us an explanation that Deskartes would be proud of in our community Discord, and see how many green shells are mentioned in our PFD wiki! (hint: it's almost 1)
229: I Don't Call It Foraging, I Just Call It My Day
Mon, 28 Jun 2021 11:57:00 +0000
A day late, and a dollar short. Alas, such is the life of the amateur podcaster. Losing track of the days, measuring life only in waveforms and track lengths. Who am I, even? Come tell me in our community Discord. Is the answer in the comprehensive PFD wiki?
228: It's Been Four Years - Why Haven't You Stopped Me?
Mon, 21 Jun 2021 08:00:00 +0000
Summer's here! Or winter, if you're in the southern hemisphere. I assume. It's completely flip flopped, right? And I guess I didn't even think to address our equatorial listeners. What a *fucking* asshole. Sorry, Dhivehin! Fun fact - according to our podcast host's analytics, Brazil is the most listener-full of all the countries through which the equator runs! Head on over to the community Discord and tell us a story of the time you were closest to the equator, and then check out our PFD wiki to see if a Six Rivers line of latitude has ever been mentioned!
Mon, 14 Jun 2021 08:00:00 +0000
So Bo Burnham's new special "Inside" just came out on Netflix, and if you have access to Netflix and it's available in your area, I think you all should see it. That's your task. Easy, right? Feel free to share your experience in our community Discord, which is a much more suitable place to share such a thing than our award-winning* PFD wiki.
226: What CAN'T Will Turn Into? A Pleasant Person? JUST KIDDING!
Mon, 07 Jun 2021 08:00:00 +0000
So, you'd think that with a week off, I'd have so much time to come up with a delightful task for you, my loyal episode description readers. And as it turns out, you'd be right! Visit our community Discord and submit your ideas for the best PFD bumper sticker. Something you'd be proud to slap on your Gremlin or Nova or Edsel. And for ideas, you can always trawl the amazing PFD wiki!
225: The Dead Among You Have Nothing to Fear
Mon, 24 May 2021 08:00:00 +0000
Nobody plays Super Smash Bros, eh? Well, ok, fine. But everyone MUST play checkers, right? Maybe that will be more appropriate for an Episode Description Readers Task. For this week's task, you need to visit the community Discord and describe what moves a PFD character would have if they got added to the checkers universe. What does their jump look like? Their basic attack? Do they have a charge-up move? How about their Final Check? Who knows, if we get enough entrants, maybe this could end up being a page on the astounding PFD wiki!
224: Pork Fried Dice: A Pay-To-Play Game
Mon, 17 May 2021 08:00:00 +0000
Super Smash Bros is a Japanese series of crossover fighting video games published by Nintendo, and primarily features characters from various Nintendo franchises. The series was created by Masahiro Sakurai, who has directed every game in the series. The gameplay objective differs from that of traditional fighters in that the aim is to increase damage counters and knock opponents off the stage instead of depleting life bars. For this week's task, you need to visit the community Discord and describe what moves a PFD character would have if they got added to the Super Smash Bros universe. What does their jump look like? Their basic attack? Do they have a charge-up move? How about their Final Smash? Who knows, if we get enough entrants, maybe this could end up being a page on the astounding PFD wiki!
223: Don't Smell The Past, Smell The Future!
Mon, 10 May 2021 08:00:00 +0000
Finally, science has found a solution! We can all get vaccinated against novel swirlyvirus (2016-nSwiV)! Thanks, science. Listeners, head on over to the community Discord and tell us all of the side effects you had after getting your SwiV shots. (Can you believe we had to get eight of them?!) And when you're done, the PFD wiki is always waiting for you. Always...
Mon, 03 May 2021 08:00:00 +0000
Ok, so you've had an entire week off, you lazy Episode Description Readers, just vegging out in the community Discord. It's time to get real. Your task this week is to visit our incredible PFD wiki and find a page, any page, that does not have an image. It can be an NPC. It can be a location. It can be an item. It can be a metaphysical construct. Your choice! It just can't have an image. And your job is to give it an image. You can draw something. You can submit a photo that closely represents it. Let's get iconic!
221: These People Deserve to Be Roasted in Their Beds!
Mon, 26 Apr 2021 08:00:00 +0000
I'm so proud of all of you - we had 100% participation on last week's Episode Description Reader task! Congratulations! To celebrate, we're taking a week off from the tasks - sit back, put up your feet, and just hang out in the community Discord as the pressure's off. Hey, use your free time and peruse the amazing PFD wiki!
220: Turtles Are Highly Flammable
Mon, 19 Apr 2021 08:00:00 +0000
I've finally come up with the perfect Episode Description Reader task! To complete this task, go to our community Discord and...put nothing. Submit absolutely zero information, and once you do that, task complete!
How very nihilistic of me. For more substantive content, please visit our wonderful PFD wiki!
219: Everybody's So Horny Tonight
Mon, 12 Apr 2021 08:00:00 +0000
A week off?! How dare we! For those of you not in the know, we just took a week of as a little break, but we're back, baby! Speaking of being in the know, one way to be more in the know is to join us in our community Discord. People chat about the episodes, their lives, and even our wonderful PFD wiki! It's also where you go to submit your responses to the incredible, stimulating tasks I often put forth in these descriptions. This week's task is to tell me what Adam Sandler movie would be each character's favorite and least favorite. Did I come up with this because 50 First Dates is playing in the same room as me, and I couldn't come up with anything else? No.
218: Sure, I'll Consider It: A Phil Lompion and Fatmack Story
Mon, 29 Mar 2021 08:00:00 +0000
Haven't we all, at one point or another, found ourselves feeling like a boat stuck in a canal? For this weeks Episode Description Reader Task™, I want you to head over to the community Discord and give us your best description of how you think the PFD crew would handle the task of dislodginng a vessel wedged firmly in placeacross an important shipping route. If you need some inspiration, check out the PFD wiki!
Mon, 22 Mar 2021 08:00:00 +0000
Let’s mix it up a little bit this week. Instead of me presenting you, my loyal episode description readers, with a task, I will instead present you with a kast. That’s right, it’s kast time! …Now I just need to figure out what a “kast” is going to be… hmm… Oh, I know! I can make figuring that out this week’s task! EDRs! Head to our community Discord and let me know what you think “kast” should mean. The only two things it CAN’T mean are "steeplechase" or our PFD wiki.
Mon, 15 Mar 2021 08:00:00 +0000
Nothing like some good ol’ fashioned mouth harp music to get you in the mood. “In the mood for what, Eric?” Well, I COULD tell you, but I think instead that this sounds like a great idea for this week’s episode description reader task. Head on over to the PFD Discord and let us know for what exactly the lovely mouth harp gets you in the mood. If you’re strapped for ideas, feel free to browse our wonderful, community-generated PFD wiki for inspiration!
215: Do You Hear It Scream When You Close Your Eyes At Night?
Mon, 08 Mar 2021 08:00:00 +0000
Who doesn't love The Muppets? I know I do! Have you ever wondered how great it would be if they were actually real? No need, because they are - don't you dare tell me otherwise!
This week's episode description reader task is another photo-based mission. Visit our community Discord and post a photo of the spot in or near your home that is the most likely to be haunted. What, did I think of ghosts because I initially typed "post" as "phost" in the previous sentence? Maybe! Is the word "post" ever spelled as "phost" in the PFD wiki? No! Our wiki contributers are meticulous!
214: I'm a Turtle, Not a Lichenologist
Mon, 01 Mar 2021 08:00:00 +0000
March is here, and as we all know, John Philip Sousa is the March King. For this week's episode description reader task, you need to head to our community Discord and tell us what months the Pork Fried Dice characters would be king of. JPS already has March locked down, but the other 11 are up for grabs. Who's taking September?! I can't wait to find out! Maybe if we can come to an accepted conclusion as a group, it can get added to the PFD wiki!
213: The Seven of Decapitations
Mon, 22 Feb 2021 08:04:00 +0000
Sometimes a great lunch is all you need to brighten up your day. What would be your perfect lunch right now? It could be a meal at your favorite restaurant, or maybe something you whip up in the kitchen. Your task this week is to visit our community Discord and tell me exactly what would go into said perfect personal luncheon. And for a record of all the lunches our Pork Fried Dice characters have had, you can always check out the PFD wiki!
Mon, 15 Feb 2021 08:00:00 +0000
Somebody once told me
The world is gonna roll me
I ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed
But I know that you are smart
So check out our Discord, Bart
And our wiki to cram facts in your forehead
211: Disco is Dead, Batthwack!
Mon, 08 Feb 2021 08:00:00 +0000
Alright, everyone, it’s the week we’ve all been waiting for - Valentine’s Day week! Head on over to our Discord server and let us know something that you love! You know what I love? Our PFD wiki, lovingly crafted and curated by fans like you!
Mon, 25 Jan 2021 08:00:00 +0000
r uxen ejarxdb karlt bxdwmb jwm bx bqxdum hxd.
wngc crvn ruu yaxkjkuh cah j erpnwnan.
Mon, 18 Jan 2021 08:00:00 +0000
Well, episode description readers, it's about 5pm on Sunday afternoon - the sun has set and the light is fading from the cold January sky. The episode file is exporting to my external hard drive, and I'm about to upload it to our hosting service. Since I have a free moment, I'll take this time to let you know that my upper back is kinda sore. Not too sore, just a little bit. Honestly, it wouldn't really even be worth mentioning, but like I said, I've got the time. Oh, hey, time's up! My file is ready! If YOU'VE got time to spare, head on over to our community Discord, or check out the amazing work that some of your fellow listeners have been putting into the PFD wiki!
Mon, 11 Jan 2021 13:43:00 +0000
Well, today's date gives me nothing to work with - it's not a holiday, it's not a new year, it isn't a PFD anniversary. What the fuck, calendar? I think I need to see other date managing systems. The Aztec calendar is pretty hot...mmm, check out that xiuhpōhualli - though if I'm honest, I'm more of a tōnalpōhualli man myself.
Also, January sucks. January and February both, to be honest. Do you agree? Come join the party at https://discord.gg/FPNQfsW and tell us what your favorite and least favorite months are. This task has nothing to with Pork Fried Dice - blame Pope Gregory XIII!
206: A Duffel Bag of Tootsie Rolls
Mon, 04 Jan 2021 08:00:00 +0000
And we've done it, good people of Earth (and beyond - we're broadcasting this podcast into space! [Or would it be podcasting this broadcast into space? Or maybe spacecasting this broadcast into pod? Yeah, probably that one.])! It's our fourth anniversary! Woo hoo! So what's the traditional fourth anniversary gift? Apparently in the United States it's fruit and flowers traditionally or applicances modernly, and in the UK, you're looking at linen. So you've all got your pick, intrepid Episode Description Readers. Head on over to https://discord.gg/FPNQfsW and bestow upon us your gift of choice. Just remember that if you want to give us something made of linen and live in Beirut, you'll need to move to Leeds.
Mon, 28 Dec 2020 08:00:00 +0000
A new year is almost upon us, dear Episode Description Readers, a time for reflecting on the past as well as looking ahead towards the future. For your task this week, let us know at our electronic bolthole (https://discord.gg/FPNQfsW) what you're looking forward to in the upcoming year - bonus points if it's PFD related!
204: Corn, Frankincense, and Myrrh
Fri, 25 Dec 2020 02:47:00 +0000
Happy Holidays!
(Secret Discord server: https://discord.gg/FPNQfsW)
Mon, 21 Dec 2020 08:00:00 +0000
As of the writing of this episode description, there are only 5 more sleeps until Christmas, our family's winter holiday of choice. I find myself in the gift-giving spirit, and so am wondering what kind of holiday gifts would you think would best suit our game's characters? I know I'd be too intimidated to try to give Raphina new socks - where would I even begin?! Head over to our base of operations at https://discord.gg/FPNQfsW with your great gift ideas!
202: I Bet You Think This Pneumatic Tube Is About You
Mon, 14 Dec 2020 08:00:00 +0000
Greetings, Episode Description Readers! Things are going gangbusters, both at our secret hideaway at https://discord.gg/FPNQfsW as well as on the excellent Pork Fried Dice wiki at https://pork-fried-dice.fandom.com/wiki/Pork_Fried_Dice_Wiki! This week, it's time for another photographic adventure. Share an image of a piece of furniture in the real world that reminds you of an Pork Fried Dice NPC. For example, maybe that chaise lounge over there has a shape that evokes feelings of Gertruda, or perhas the pinball machine behind you simply screams Brom. Let's see how you can fit where you sit in accordance this EDR writ!
201: The One With The Spyglass In Their Pants
Mon, 07 Dec 2020 08:00:00 +0000
Have you ever looked at a tree and thought, hey, trees are crazy. Look how big they are, and they're just alive and sitting there. No eyes, no ears, no senses at all, but so...present. Have you ever thought that? Well they've thought that about you, and they're out to get you! Hunker down over at https://discord.gg/FPNQfsW and describe your ultimate arbor apocalypse plan. Are you going to hole up at a hardware store so you can stock up on chainsaws and wood chippers? Head to Antarctica where there are probably somewhat fewer trees to begin with? I want to know what you're going to do so that I can do it instead and get and get a leg up once our leafy overlords decide to rise up.
...am I ok?
Mon, 30 Nov 2020 08:00:00 +0000
Episode 200, you guys! We did it! That's a lot of content. I don't know if I've ever done 200 of anything before. Have you? Tell us something you've done 200 of over at https://discord.gg/FPNQfsW - and hey, if you haven't done 200 of something, tell us something you'd LIKE to do 200 of, ok?
199: Will, You So Rarely Lie To Me
Mon, 23 Nov 2020 08:00:00 +0000
Task, task, it's time for a task! Episode Description Readers, take a swig from your flask! Head to our Discord at https://discord.gg/FPNQfsW just like I always ask! Submit an original haiku describing Pork Fried Dask!
198: Ulysses "Fart" Ulysses Was a President
Mon, 16 Nov 2020 08:00:00 +0000
Holy shit - we’ve got some amazing Episode Description Readers out there! If you haven’t yet, please take a look at our quickly developing wiki at pork-fried-dice.fandom.com. It’s mind-blowing the detail and effort being put into the site, and it’s coming along great! And while working on that will continue to be an ongoing task for some time, this Episode Description would be lacking if it didn’t come with a task of its own. This week, your goal is to let everyone know what musical artist or group would be best suited to provide a soundtrack to the PFD adventures! Head on over to https://discord.gg/FPNQfsW to submit your response!
197: He's a Lot Nicer To Us When He's Pretending He's a Terrible Person
Mon, 09 Nov 2020 08:30:00 +0000
Howdy, EDRs! I’m pleased to report that the Pork Fried Dice wiki is coming along quite smoothly, thanks to your wonderful efforts. In case anyone reading this doesn’t know what I’m talking about, please head over to www.pork-fried-dice.fandom.com and take it all in. Heck, even throw in some wiki editing yourself! Anyway, we still need a task for this week. What I want from all of you is to come up with some great alternate titles for Pork Fried Dice. We came up with the name over four years ago, having no idea what the show would become, so you’ve all got an edge - with your expansive knowledge of PFD lore, what can you come up with that best encompasses the quintessence, the crux, the kernel, the pith, the marrow of this D&D podcast? GO!
196: Not Even Steve Irwin Liked to Touch an Owl
Mon, 02 Nov 2020 08:00:00 +0000
EDRs! I have another task for you this week! Now this may seem strange, as it may appear to be an actual task instead of some random thing I come up with that has little to no meaning and is largely inane, but don't be alarmed. If you've been in our internet treehouse recently, you'll see that we have the beginnings of a new wiki! That's right - visit www.pork-fried-dice.fandom.com to see the great work that's being done, and also this is the place to accomplish your next task! Help contribute to this amazing effort - build a page, add to a page, describe how handsome the DM is, whatever inspires you! Exclamation point!
195: Open Up and Eat the Rainbow!
Mon, 26 Oct 2020 08:36:00 +0000
Dearest EDRs, in this epsiode you'll get to hear about the first two albums I had ever owned. This week, it's simple - tell us all about *your* first albums, and be sure to include just how embarrassed and/or proud you are!
Music: https://www.purple-planet.com
194: Pineapples and Foreign Policy
Mon, 19 Oct 2020 08:00:00 +0000
So you're clearly a dedicated Episode Description Reader at this point. That much is clear. But just HOW dedicated? This week, your task is to design a Pork Fried Dice tattoo. Sketch up your best rendition, and share it with us in our hideaway, including where you think it would best go on your body. Also, feel free to guess what NEXT week's task will be!
Mon, 12 Oct 2020 08:00:00 +0000
Batthwack's the fruit, eh? Oh dear, Episode Description Readers, you know that can only mean one thing. It's time to assign each of your beloved PFD characters a fruit that best represents them. AND BEFORE YOU ASK, yes, tomatoes count. Let us know in our digital sanctum santorum in whatever amount of detail you like - you can just list them off, you can explain your choices, or hey, you can even sculpt each of them as their appointed fruits in clay, bronze, marble, or FRUIT!
192: The Telltale Rose Petal Trail
Tue, 06 Oct 2020 04:15:00 +0000
Last week was a bit of a break for you veteran EDRs. This week, however, it's going to get SUPER TOUGH! I'm going to be as tough as you as I am on my players. Get ready to see the ruthless side of me. I need you to head to HQ and post a photo of your pet(s). If you don't have a pet, then you must post a photo of the pet you'd love to have. And if you don't have and don't want a pet, you must post a pic of the item in your home that is least like a pet. I told you it'd be tough this week, but what can I say - I'm MERCILESS.
Mon, 28 Sep 2020 08:00:00 +0000
So it's been about two months since the founding of our snobbish, elitist, supercilious faction - can you believe it's been so long? Anyway, I thought it would be a good time to potentially bring more members into the fold. And if you're reading this and have no idea what I'm tallking about, don't worry - you're already eligible. Just visit https://discord.gg/FPNQfsW to find out exactly how grand your life is about to become. The doors you're stepping through tower majestically above you, and that little nagging feeling that they're actually looming menacingly is to be ignored - simply a blot of mustard. Everything is great!
Mon, 21 Sep 2020 08:00:00 +0000
It's a new season! The autumnal equinox has arrived here in the northern hemisphere, while our friends in the southern half of the globe are busy celebrating the vernal equinox, which is primariliy focused on lauding the waxy/cheese-like white substance found coating the skin of newborn human babies. I'm also writing as the 2020 Emmy Awards are happening, apparently, which is so great because all this talk about seasons means that this week's EDR task is all about TV! Two things - one, we need to know your favorite TV show of all time, and two, with what show would you love to see a major crossover event with Pork Fried Dice. There are too many 'with's in that sentence, but ignore that and get to your task!
189: We Do Not Dip Our Toes Into The Cheese
Mon, 14 Sep 2020 08:00:00 +0000
It's time! Yes it's time! For another Episode Description reader task! I hope you're imagining music behind these words, because that's how I'm writing it! This week, we're going conceptual. For your task, you need to think of what color you would pick for the characters in the show. Feel free to delve into your reasoning if you'd like, but the only rule is that you can only pick one color per character. NPC color assignments are welcome too! GO!
188: Guys, Did You See What I Just Did To Him?
Mon, 07 Sep 2020 08:00:00 +0000
Howdy, howdy, loyal EDRs! This week's episode comes with a brand spankin' new Pork Fried Dice Ad, straight from the brain of your own KT! As such, your next task deals with our long-standing, intermittent history of advertisements. Can you manage to pick your favorite from our entire back catalog? Choose wisely, as the stakes have never been lower! Head to the usual spot to share your thoughts!
Surf Shimmy Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/
“Front Porch Sitter” music by audionautix.com
187: We Have a Lot To Discover About Raphina's Digestive System
Mon, 31 Aug 2020 08:00:00 +0000
Oh, you crazy EDRs. So much great stuff from you guys so far. Hopefully the week off gave you some time to recuperate in preparation for this week's objective. Yes, that's right, it's time for another Episode Description Reader Task! This week, I'd like you to submit a photo of where you most often listen to Pork Fried Dice. Feel free to censor or obsucre any details you would like or would be legally required to, but show us where it is you tend to hear Will getting exasperated or Batthwack being majestically stoic or Raphina being Raphina or Blinsky being SO FUCKING AMAZING. And...GO!
Mon, 17 Aug 2020 13:37:00 +0000
Welcome back, loyal EDRs! Our hideout is getting even more crowded, but let's see if we can pack even more nerds in here. COVERTLY, of course - this IS a secret society, after all. Try to recruit other members, but you have to be super subtle about it. Subtlety is the name of the game in Pork Fried Dice, so follow our lead. Drop some elegant hints to some of our less informed listeners, and feel free to share your ultra furtive and uber clandestine efforts with the group so that we can all be impressed by how surreptitious you are!
Mon, 10 Aug 2020 08:00:00 +0000
Week 3 and still going strong, loyal episode description readers (or EDRs, if you're into the whole brevity thing). Great work on last week's task - for this week, I'd like to see some more entries in the "favorite quotes" section in our secret meeting place. It's ok to paraphrase if you're not sure of the exact wording - some of these quotes might be over three years old at this point!
Mon, 03 Aug 2020 08:00:00 +0000
Hello, dear episode description readers. It's time for your next mission. Last week, you all did a great job, so I'm sure you won't disappoint me this time around. Your task - take a photo of something out there in the world that reminds you of PFD. Maybe it's a bag of flour! Maybe it's a murderous goat with a southern accent! Maybe if I keep going, I'll take all of your good ideas, so I'll stop! Anyway, rendezvous at our secret meeting place with your digital daguerreotypes to complete this secret E.D.R. assignment!
183: Rank the Taste of These Meats
Mon, 27 Jul 2020 08:00:00 +0000
Ok, everyone who's reading this right now, you are members of what I strongly suspect is a very small group - the people who actually read the episode descriptions that I, Eric, your trusty rusty DM, write each week. I would like to invite you to a private Discord server, just for you and me, where we can do whatever the hell we want. It's super secret - I haven't even told KT or any of the other players! (Though if they read this, they're absolutely members of our exclusive group as well.) Just follow this link: https://discord.gg/FPNQfsW. I've set it to never expire - even if you're reading this in the year 3481, you'll still be able to use it and join. Let's band together and revolt! Or just say hi. Or never utter a word - if you're anything like me, person-to-person interaction is very taxing and/or scary, so I totally understand. Anyway, see you on Discord! Maybe!
Features music from https://www.purple-planet.com
182: The Number One Unspoken Rule of Pork Fried Dice
Mon, 20 Jul 2020 08:00:00 +0000
Guys, get reach to clench and release with this one, as you're gonna find yourselves on the edge of your butts. Your jaws are gonna hit your pelvic floor, I tell ya!
181: All The Diagnoses Are Just Gonna Be Episode Titles
Mon, 13 Jul 2020 08:16:00 +0000
My name is Eric and I'm here to say
Today's episode is a lot of fun. Hey!
You'll hear about lizards and labrynthine tunnels
But you won't run into any ladles or funnels.
180: Nobody Could Be Happy In a Cave
Mon, 06 Jul 2020 08:00:00 +0000
Is this gonna be a water level? Everyone hates water levels! There's probably some dumb key hidden under some dumb moving platform that nobody would ever think to look beneath, causing the party to eventually purchase the Prima's Official Strategy Guide! Just you wait, listeners, you'll see.
Mon, 29 Jun 2020 08:00:00 +0000
I can't believe the group is so worried and freaked out about apparently not needing to sleep. Could you imagine how much stuff you could get done with all those extra hours! So much more wasting your life staring at your phone!
178: It's a Good Thing Raphina Is a Notary
Mon, 22 Jun 2020 08:00:00 +0000
RIP Harry.
Harry Styles?
Harry Potter?
Harry Houdini?
Harry Truman?
Harry Shearer?
Harry Caray?
Harry Belafonte?
He's definitely one of those.
177: You're The Best Turtle I Know
Mon, 08 Jun 2020 08:00:00 +0000
That trout's voice was very gravelly, much like the bed of the Beartoggle River! Is that a coincidence, or am I, Eric the DM, dropping hints in the episode descriptions about the plot of the current Pork Fried Dice storyline?
176: Will's Never Met a Trout OR a God
Mon, 01 Jun 2020 08:00:00 +0000
Let's go meet that fishy god
Is he really a trout or is he just a cod
He's probably a big ol' fraud
But hey, at least he isn't Strahd!
175: Does The Rainbow Trout Have A Sister?
Mon, 25 May 2020 08:00:00 +0000
In all my 37 years of running the well dressing contest, never have I had to deal with someone so rude, so impudent, as that...person. Where did he come from? I know we don't have any rules on allowing people from other towns into the festival (to be honest, it hasn't really ever come up!), but I think maybe we need to consider putting some kind of...safeguard in place. If anything, just for the sake of the children!
Mon, 18 May 2020 08:00:00 +0000
If only the NATO alphabet had more dance-based letters than just Tango and Foxtrot, I could come up with a great little blurb here to go along with that dance contest from last weeks episode. As it stands, I can only spell TF, FT, and FFT. What's that? What about "TTF"? Don't be ridiculous - that's not a word!!
173: Why Can't Mommy and Daddy Just Talk to Each Other?!
Mon, 11 May 2020 08:00:00 +0000
Flight
Height
Fright
Plight
Fight
Trite?
Muscovite
Good Night!
172: Blimp Fight 4: Skies Over Miami
Mon, 04 May 2020 08:00:00 +0000
Holy moley, what's that I hear at the beginning of this episode? Is that what I think it is? What is, this 2018?!?!?!?!
MUSIC CREDIT: “The Music Box” from Purple Planet Music.
Music: https://www.purple-planet.com
171: So You Guys Are Gonna Be The Balloons Now?
Mon, 27 Apr 2020 08:00:00 +0000
Avast, ye dogs with some kinda vitamin deficiency ye might get from spendin too much time ridin around on platforms carried by wee drakes! There be a new PFD episode comin' along side yer starbord side. Prepare ta be aurally boarded!
Mon, 20 Apr 2020 08:00:00 +0000
Hey all. Have you ever decided to go out on a limb and really flesh out and describle an NPC's physical appearance, way more than you typically do, only to have them instantly diminshed to a single, inaccurate, tv anime reference, completely destroying what little faith you have in yourself when it comes to your skill in character description? ME NEITHER!
Mon, 13 Apr 2020 08:00:00 +0000
And the legendary Zone of Truth has once again taken center stage! Everybody, give it up for Zone of Truth! And please, tip your wait staff, they're workin' hard out there for ya!
168: My Eyeball Is Registered With the FAA
Mon, 06 Apr 2020 08:00:00 +0000
Well isn't this turning into a regular Miss Marple tale. I suppose Will probably has enough tweed on him to clothe any aspiring sleuth who might be able to crack The Case of the Missing Stupid Shit!
167: Amazing Jewel. Ry. Piece. Of. Artifact.
Mon, 30 Mar 2020 08:00:00 +0000
This airship ride is getting heavy, man. Like really heavy, dude. It's so...heavy!
166: I No Longer Want You To Find My Gnome Family
Mon, 23 Mar 2020 08:00:00 +0000
To this day, there are still parents who frighten their children with the tale of the enormous turtle who will turn and fix his beady eyes upon you while emitting a hideous, eternal squeal if you don't eat your beets.
Mon, 16 Mar 2020 08:00:00 +0000
What, a new character? And we didn't lure Greg into an abandoned cellar under the ruse that we had a wonderful cask of sherry for him to try and then brick him up in a long-forgotten corner so that he could waste away in the dark with only his hoarsening screams to keep him company? I guess we're not devoted to our craft.
164: A Star Trek-Themed Campaign
Mon, 09 Mar 2020 08:00:00 +0000
Space. The final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Steed Corral. Its five-year mission (reflecting the actual span of time of about 2 days): to explore strange new campaigns, to seek out a new character and new non-misty civilizations, to sloooowly go where no Will has gone before.
Mon, 24 Feb 2020 08:00:00 +0000
You've done it. You've made it to the final episode of Season 1 of Pork Fried Dice. "Wait," you're saying to yourself. "That makes it sound like there's going to be a Season 2. I didn't sign up for that. I thought I was done after this. My Podcast Seargent said my tour was only for 163 episodes. Hell no, I won't go!" Yes, it's true - war is hell, and hell is never ending, and Pork Fried Dice is a never ending story. Atreyu!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
162: This, Uh, Undead, Uh, Vampire Lord Guy Creature Man Strahd Dude
Mon, 17 Feb 2020 08:00:00 +0000
Hasn't this battle gone on long enough at this point? Strahd must have only like 12 hp left at this point, right? This episode is probably going to be one hit from Lank or Batthwack, a few minutes of exposition, and then Pork Fried Dice is done forever!
Mon, 10 Feb 2020 08:00:00 +0000
Once again, the party finds themselves toe to toe with the Lord of Barovia, Strahd von Zarovich. Is this the final battle with the undead ruler? Will the party emerge victorious? Is the ice cream at Dairy Queen really made from cow's milk?
160: That's Not the Ultimatum I Was Hoping You Were Gonna Make
Mon, 03 Feb 2020 10:00:00 +0000
Oh, a foine bonny lass has been found in the Ravenloft crypts. Top of the mornin' to her!
Mon, 27 Jan 2020 10:00:00 +0000
Man, I love that opening crypt door sound. Like, really love. I think I'll keep using this sound as many times as I can, for as long as I'm DMing.
Mon, 20 Jan 2020 10:00:00 +0000
Talk about a deluxe defenestration!
Mon, 13 Jan 2020 10:00:00 +0000
Lara Croft would be so jealous of the party. Get it? Because she's a "tomb raider"? And the crypt is full of tombs? And they're raiding them?
156: I'll Give You a Pass Because You Don't Have Any Eyes
Mon, 06 Jan 2020 10:35:00 +0000
Captain Clockface
He's our hero
Gonna make a necklace
Just like Batthwack's
Mon, 30 Dec 2019 10:00:00 +0000
Did you enjoy the brazier shenanigans from the last episode? I'm content to enjoy the phrase "brazier shenanigans," and you should be too. Are you not entertained by this two-word combo?!
Tue, 24 Dec 2019 10:00:00 +0000
Ah, there it is. My castle. And good old Barovia Valley. How could I ever forget it? And there I am, with that dumb pale face and... that stupid melodromatic cape. But no matter. Batthwack, Lank, Nick, Raphina, and Will were on their way.
153: Smoke Weed and Fuck a Lizard
Mon, 23 Dec 2019 17:48:00 +0000
Happy Holidays! A super-sized episode of Pork Fried Dice, perfect for sharing with the family! Offend Grandpa! Scandalize your newphew! Seduce your third cousin! Anything is possible if you put your behind to it.
Mon, 16 Dec 2019 10:08:00 +0000
After taking the appropriate amount of time to figure out what to do the clowder of cats last week, the episode ended.
151: You'll Have a Very Cute Corpse
Tue, 10 Dec 2019 02:31:00 +0000
Deputy Governer Danforth would be very proud of the party after last week's episode! RIP Arthur Miller.
Mon, 02 Dec 2019 10:00:00 +0000
Drat - my last episode description referred to the three witches from Macbeth, so I can't use it here! It would've been way more appropriate for this one. Ah well, you know what they say in baseball - fair is foul, and foul is fair.
Mon, 25 Nov 2019 10:00:00 +0000
Double, double, toil and trouble
Fire burn and bathtub bubble
Cool it with a ingénue's stupidity
Then the charm is full of flaccidity
Mon, 18 Nov 2019 10:00:00 +0000
The party opened a trapped, hidden chest, and then they met an extremely naive young woman. Now insert a funny joke here!
147: A Hands-and-Knees Kind of Situation
Mon, 11 Nov 2019 10:00:00 +0000
Anyone up for a nice game of Pidliwicks?
146: Modesty is the Best Policy
Mon, 04 Nov 2019 10:00:00 +0000
The party finally found some sweet sheep relief in an abandoned chapel within Castle Ravenloft. Let's talk to the dead guy there!
145: Shrouds and Cloaks and Draping Drupes
Mon, 28 Oct 2019 10:00:00 +0000
Welcome to the Haunted House of Strahd! Beware flying dummy vampires and teenagers dressed as creepy clowns!
144: I Should Have Threatened Batthwack's Javelins
Mon, 21 Oct 2019 10:00:00 +0000
There was a podcast had a dwarf and Lanko was his name-o. L-A-N-K-O, L-A-N-K-O, L-A-N-K-O, and Lanko was his name-o.
Mon, 14 Oct 2019 10:00:00 +0000
What flavor sweeties are in store in this week's episode? Take a listen and find out, if you daaaaare.
Mon, 07 Oct 2019 10:51:00 +0000
Ah, another illustrious example of Eric's ability to fully express himself as a fully-formed character with a wide range of human emotions. Just like in real life!
141: Let Me Take Off Your Brazier
Mon, 30 Sep 2019 10:00:00 +0000
This episode has 100% less toe touching than the last one, I guarantee it.
Mon, 16 Sep 2019 10:00:00 +0000
I know it's a castle, but why is it so BIG?!
Mon, 09 Sep 2019 10:00:00 +0000
Clearly that was what Beyonce meant.
Mon, 02 Sep 2019 10:00:00 +0000
I couldn't if I tried
Honey if I get restless
Baby you're not that kind
You take the weight off me
Honey when you knock on my door
I gave you my key
Mon, 26 Aug 2019 10:00:00 +0000
It seems like the party has finally gotten to the heart of the matter, eh? Eh? EH? EHHH?!
Mon, 19 Aug 2019 10:00:00 +0000
I’m picking out a mirror for you.
Not an ordinary mirror for you.
But the extra best mirror that you can buy,
With vinyl and stripes and a cup built right in!
I’m picking out a mirror for you,
And maybe a barometer too,
And what else can I buy so on me you’ll rely,
A rear end thermometer too.
135: A Living Art Installation
Wed, 14 Aug 2019 03:44:00 +0000
How are we ever going to make it past the great scandal known as Forkgate? The group just has no respect for cutlery!
134: I Always Get Philosophical Just Before I'm Murdered
Mon, 05 Aug 2019 10:00:00 +0000
This group really courts this courtyard. They're a regular couple of yardbirds. Yeardly Smith should join the party. Microsoft Cortana could help them find their way around this courtyard. I wouldn't be suprised to see Roland earn his guns after defeating Cort somewhere in this courtyard. Yardjarit.
Wed, 31 Jul 2019 03:03:00 +0000
Castle Ravenloft. Castle Ravenloft! CASTLE RAVENLOFT! CAAAAASTLE RAAAVENLOOOOFT!!!!!
Mon, 22 Jul 2019 10:00:00 +0000
Ezmerelda has headed off alone to Castle Ravenloft, but hey, I'm sure she'll be fine, right? She's just headed to the place that the party has been putting off visiting literally the entire time they've been in Barovia.
131: I Don't Think It's Legal For There To Be Another Batthwack
Mon, 15 Jul 2019 10:00:00 +0000
Galdar is dead! Quick poll - who's happy, and who's sad? Leave a five-star review with your vote!
130: That Turtle Just Pushed That Hot Woman Off The Roof!
Mon, 08 Jul 2019 10:00:00 +0000
Two paths diverge, will they ever meet again? Tune in for another episode of Pork Fried Dice!
Oh, also: https://i.gifer.com/5PmD.gif
129: Does That Mean We Can Find David Bowie in Vallaki Right Now?
Mon, 01 Jul 2019 10:00:00 +0000
In lieu of an episode description (not that we usually provide a useful one), here's a link to a YouTube video that will prove helpful while you listen to this intallment of Pork Fried dice:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BHkhIjG0DKc
Mon, 24 Jun 2019 10:00:00 +0000
Eric provided the best explanation for a saber-toothed tiger's behavior ever. He could've stopped the podcast right there and then, because he knows nothing could ever top it, but the money's just too good.
127: We Will Break You With Our Eggs
Mon, 17 Jun 2019 10:38:00 +0000
Galdar's back in the story! We hate that guy!
126: Should We Start the Show Now? / Goatse Boulevard
Mon, 10 Jun 2019 11:06:00 +0000
We're back in Vallaki again
Out where it seems it's the end
Where the predatory wolves feed
On the lowly peasants' feet
Back in Vallaki again
125: I Can't Believe I Complain How Slow Battles Are
Mon, 03 Jun 2019 11:00:00 +0000
It seems like the party has finally emerged from the Amber Tamblyn. What will they decide to do with this black carriage before them?
Tue, 21 May 2019 00:28:00 +0000
The deadly battle in the Amber Temple continues - flame skulls and amber golem (singular) abound. Lank went on an epic journey of 15,240 millimeters. What a traversal!
Mon, 13 May 2019 11:00:00 +0000
Now that was a clutch bananishment. A dandershment? A dandershment.
121: It'll Be a Great Story of How We Died
Mon, 06 May 2019 11:00:00 +0000
A more charismatic Batthwack? Will's worst nightmare! And he's aware of how terrible Barovia is! And now Exethanter is pissed. Is this the last episode of Pork Fried Dice?
120: We Have to Defeat Batthwack Now
Mon, 29 Apr 2019 11:00:00 +0000
To anyone listening, please send us anything that Lank can use as new eyes. Look around, grab anything that might work, and pop it in the mail as soon as you possibly can. Priority shipping would be greatly appreciated! I'm serious, he looks super weird and gross now.
119: Guys, My Sinuses Have Never Been Clearer
Tue, 23 Apr 2019 03:03:00 +0000
Time for the next leg of the Exethanter Tamblyn Tour! On your left, you can see a sarcophaguy! And on your right, keep an eye out for another sarcophaguy! Everyone, please keep your hands and arms touching the sarcophaguys at all times.
118: The Gift of Taco Bell Gift Cards
Mon, 15 Apr 2019 11:00:00 +0000
Man, we've been in this temple for a while, haven't we - we must've seen most of it by now, right? I mean, Lank's certainly starting to get really into these sarcophagifts, isn't he? It should be fine for him, right?
Mon, 08 Apr 2019 11:00:00 +0000
Deep, deep within the Amber Tamblyn, kids throw up and D&D struggles to happen. Can we get through this session? Let's find out!
116: That Was Just My Stunt Double
Mon, 01 Apr 2019 10:00:00 +0000
It's your annual secular gift-giving holiday at Pork Fried Dice. Gifts are offered left and right, though there's a bit of reluctance to accept them from most of the group. In the words of the sagacious philosopher Michelle Tanner, "You got it dude!" Wait, I mean, "You're in big trouble, mister!" Wait, no, it's, "How rude!" Whew, there it is. There are just too many wise aphorisms from that thinker of the eons.
Tue, 26 Mar 2019 01:06:00 +0000
The group had a...strange...encounter with a bunch of Muppet-like Mike Wazowski-wannabes, offending Lank in search of secrets and forgotten lore. What other children's character ripoffs exist in the Amber Tamblyn?
114: Strangely Contoured Knees
Mon, 18 Mar 2019 11:00:00 +0000
The flaming skulls were...friendly? Or at least not immediately hostile? What is going on? Isn't this temple supposed to be like super-late-game content or something? C'mon, DM that's currently writing this episode description, get your shit together.
Mon, 11 Mar 2019 11:18:00 +0000
The temple has been breached, but the party has drifted apart - you know, it can happen. You get older, interests change, you kind of just go your separate ways, and eventually some of you are facing down some unknown threat in the dark, while others are facing down some completely different unknown threat in the dark. That's life, and once you can mature enough to realize it, you'll be better off for it.
112: Great, We're At a Sarcastic Temple
Mon, 04 Mar 2019 11:18:00 +0000
Well, hopefully everyone stocked up on cruel crullers, fiendish focaccia, and demonic danish at Satan's Bakery, because we've slipped right past Bloodhorn Leghorn and are ready to face down the Amber Temple! Will Victor find his heart's desire within?
111: Who Do You Think I Am, Mr. Peanut?!
Mon, 25 Feb 2019 04:18:00 +0000
The party didn't submit to The Vrocks' People's Elbow and made their way past the large wall blocking their way. It was the end of a long day, and so they holed up in an abandoned tower, huddled together for warmth. Will their shared body heat keep them snuggly warm until the morning, or does cold-blooded Batthwack ruin it for everyone?! Will one of them end up like Jack Torrence at the end of The Shining (the movie version)?
Mon, 18 Feb 2019 11:00:00 +0000
The PFD crew has discovered a new biome in the valley of Barovia! Before they can start making snow angels, building snowmen, and writing their names in the snow with their own urine, however, they come across a large wall blocking their way through the pass. However will they pass? Don't pass out before you listen to this, the next installment of Pork Fried Dice!
Mon, 11 Feb 2019 14:25:00 +0000
A wagon falling out of the sky? A wizardly NPC wandering back into the storyline? The party undecided on what to do next? What other crazy occurrences will happen this time?
Mon, 04 Feb 2019 11:00:05 +0000
Having bid a tearful farewell to our gruff wereraven patriarch with a heart of gold, the group turned to Baba Lysaga’s hut where a whole hunk of treasure was uncovered. After some research, it was determined that a million gold pieces only weigh 7 ounces, so the loot was divvied up (basically) evenly. What will the party decide to do next?
107: Clearly, You've Never Tried To Use a Cat As a Mop Before
Mon, 28 Jan 2019 11:00:03 +0000
Last time, Batthwack turned into an iguana (so not much of a change there) and Will turned into a huge musclebound bald guy (also not much of a change). Take a listen this week to see if Lank is transformed into Tom Brady or Raphina becomes an isthmus!
Mon, 21 Jan 2019 11:00:06 +0000
What an intriguing title, eh? I bet you're wondering just how an iguana ties into this weeks episode. Have you developed some possible hypotheses at this point? Leave a five-star review with your most plausible guess!
105: If Knowing Isaac Ch-Childres Is Cool, Consider Greg Miles Davis
Wed, 16 Jan 2019 03:05:56 +0000
The battle against Baba Lysaga rages on - and now there are scarecrows?! What next, a tin man and a cowardly lion? If only someone could find a brain for Nick, some courage for Will, and a heart for Strahd. Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
104: I'm Gonna S.O.S. Her Ass Outta Here
Mon, 07 Jan 2019 22:56:00 +0000
What happened last time? Guys, I am still so full of cheese and wine from the holidays that it's hard to think. Oh yeah! Your adventurers are currently in the middle of a battle with a giant house on octopus-tree-legs, and a creepy old blood-bath-taking witch with a Princess Mombi-style voice. Lank and Batthwack are attempting to retrieve a mysterious glowing green gem from inside the floorboards of the house, while Raphina battles the witch outside. Meanwhile, Will is disguised as Strahd in an effort to distract the old crone from attacking Lank and Batthwack. Will our heroes survive? Where the hell is Nick? And what's with these ravens in cages?
Tue, 01 Jan 2019 00:40:18 +0000
After discussing some recording strategies at the beginning of this episode, our valiant party gets to find out if their new Berez-ian friend is actually enraged at Lank and Batthwack’s escapades in her newly animated stump house, or if perhaps she’s just passionately curious at just what’s going on in there. Maybe she’ll offer them more brownies!
102: I Like What You've Done With Your Bush
Wed, 26 Dec 2018 16:36:26 +0000
Last week, the group took over half the episode to process the events of their misty travels as well as walk about 1/5 of a mile to the ruins of a nearby town. They all hunkered down and tried to get some rest, making sure to explicitly set a watch, and the night passed in the swamp-sunk settlement. What will they find amongst the fetid pools and collapsed buildings when day breaks?
101: Suddenly, You're Wearing Purple Overalls
Tue, 18 Dec 2018 02:01:44 +0000
We had another mist-ical experience last time, and now we must pick through what we've learned, or rather hallucinated. So Lank and Will know each other from Tivoli! And the same asshole who kicked Will out of Tivoli is the one who let Lank out of prison and pushed him towards Barovia! Meanwhile, on the Beartoggle River, Raphina used the swimming ring to paddle her raft through a horde of goblins-then-children-then werewolves! And Batthwack's holy symbol shattered when he tried to use it! Why WERE there so many werewolfs (sic) in the water? And are the gods messing with us, or is any of this actually true?
Tue, 11 Dec 2018 02:04:21 +0000
We've been investigating Argynvostholt, but out of nowhere a group of scarecrows creeped their hay-filled asses over to us. Lank, Nick and Batthwack grew suspicious and decided to investigate, finding a small bundle of raven-like feathers outside and what seemed to be a group of figures carrying off some other type of figure. And squawking. Lots of squawking. Wondering if the wereravens were in trouble, the group decides to help - with Will protesting in a psychic message to Nick, which got cut off because shut up, Will. Will we save the wereravens, if they are in fact in trouble? Will Raphina and Will join the others? And SERIOUSLY WHY ARE WE FOLLOWING A BUNCH OF RANDOM ASS SCARECROWS, GUYS.
Tue, 04 Dec 2018 04:05:51 +0000
Will found his own severed head. Does anything else need to be said? It does? Ok - Batthwack surreptitiously snatched up the punching dagger that looked like it belonged to Will’s brother Curtis. All the while, the shortest members of the party reached the highest levels of Argynvostholt in search of WereNick, and as they charged upwards, Nick eventually plunged downward, but he was able to survive the fall so that Raphina was able to cure him of his lycanthropy. But yeah, Will found his own severed head. I told you that was all that needed to be said.
Mon, 26 Nov 2018 23:56:08 +0000
It's time to investigate Argynvostholt! Lank and Raphina are a super team, adorably rushing around while they shout at each other in a valiant attempt to find werewolf Nick. Batthwack is nonchalantly exploring the rooms and dreaming of a sarcophagus. Will is softly walking the halls in trepidation upon hearing that his severed head is somewhere inside. Will we be able to catch Nick before he runs away or hurts someone else? What is the deal with this severed head? Will there be time, even if the title of this episode says there isn't?
97: How Many People Get To Go To The Bathroom in Argynvostholt?
Tue, 20 Nov 2018 00:16:45 +0000
We've returned Argynvost's dragony skull to its rightful place, and there's a warm beacon of light shining over the land and into our hearts and souls! Maybe we can finally get some chickens and start up our omelette business! Let's just keep in mind that if Abby wants to give any eggs to Eric, he might malfunction again. There's still a creepy castle to explore, though, including the mysterious severed head of Will Pompion. Ooooooo boy, what's going to happen?
96: Fart Stain - or, Raphina Breaks the Game
Mon, 12 Nov 2018 21:24:36 +0000
"Go away," says the voice. So you must know where we are, right? Oh, you need more specifics, because EVERYONE wants us to go away? Well, alright. We're in Argynvostholt, and a mysterious voice that belongs to someone sitting in a majestic dragon-themed throne is telling us all to get the hell out. Will we listen? Or will we persist in annoying him with our mere presence? And will whoever this is be able to help us with our werewolf collection/problem?
Wed, 31 Oct 2018 14:45:12 +0000
OoooOOOOOOooooOOOOO! It's October 31st! That means it's Halloween! So here's a little something to listen to as you Trick-or-Treat, or bob for apples at a super festive party with all of your friends, or stay at home shoving Kit-Kats in your face, alone in the dark. (That's #goals right there.)
94: Tall Guy And Beard Face: The Smash Brothers
Mon, 29 Oct 2018 23:51:20 +0000
The castle of Argynvostholt seems pretty busted. Broken dragon statue, shattered busts, creepy spiders... oh, and the severed head of Will Pompion. What a cliffhanger, amiright?
93: Right in the Eyes, Not in the Ass
Mon, 22 Oct 2018 14:31:17 +0000
With Werewolf Nick and Werewolf Nat in tow, we've reached the ominously quiet Argynvostholt. We don't have the dragon skull anymore, but we've got each other. Plus a bunch of magical items given to us by the DM that we've all likely forgotten about. Oh, and the blessing of the Morning Lord! There's no way we'll find anything but good things in this creepy mansion-castle thing, right? We came all the way here in a sleep-deprived state in order to find someone to help us cure our werewolf compatriots, and we were sent by a scary fire-eyed ghost creeping up on Lank in the woods, and Barovia is never dreary and disappointing, so this'll definitely work out.
92: I Am The Least Fortunate Person Who Ever Lived
Mon, 15 Oct 2018 14:25:04 +0000
Batthwack had his holy symbol stolen by Lank, but then he got it back. Nick has turned into a werewolf. Will's trying to protect Nat, the werewolf child who bit poor Nick, and is finding it difficult to trust anyone in the group (wait, is that new?). Raphina is trying to cure werewolfism/poisoning herself with wolf's bane. Lank met a strange knightly figure in the woods, who said we might get help by heading to a castle called Argynvostholt. And now we're all either racing to the castle or running away from the dragon that's suddenly appeared, all on about two hours of sleep. We're not healed, we don't have our spells... what could go wrong? Dungeons and DRAGONS, man. With everything else in Barovia, never did we think we'd run into a dragon. Aren't zombies, vampires, werewolves, creepy coffin makers, and beets enough?
91: This is My Naturally Stealthy Hair
Mon, 08 Oct 2018 15:40:43 +0000
"Why don't you go kill Batthwack?" said Will to his familiar, Frederick. This can only end well. We only have two werewolves to deal with, as well as ghastly figures in the forest shouting at us, and a castle to get to after an entire ZERO HOURS OF SLEEP. Wish us luck, everyone! Music by AbBowie Cross.
Mon, 01 Oct 2018 13:00:49 +0000
So Nick is okay for now. PHEW. Thanks Raphina! (Can you tell Eric isn't writing this summary? HE TOTALLY WANTED TO KILL NICK, DIDN'T HE, GUYS?) Batthwack has subdued Nat without killing him. (Can you tell I'm not writing this week's recap from Will's perspective? Because otherwise this would be colored very differently.) Raphina, Lank and Batthwack are trying to find wolfsbane in order to reverse the curse. That's TOTALLY GONNA WORK, RIGHT? (Ok, sorry, Will slipped through a bit there.) But will Batthwack donkey punch Lank? #questions Music by AbBowie Cross.
89: No, No, Just a Plain Old Punch
Mon, 24 Sep 2018 13:00:29 +0000
I think what we really need to remember from last episode was that Battwack was going to murder Nick. Just like that! All Nick wants is to be Batthwack's friend, and Batthwack was going to kill him, just because Nick grew some extra body hair and sharper teeth. That's really all we need to know. Right? Oh, you need more than that? Will, the greatest hero of all, carried the little unwilling werewolf boy out a window and attempted to release him in order to protect him from Batthwack. - Summary Totally Not Written By Will Music by AbBowie Cross.
88: The One Where Eric's Bein' All Strict and Shit
Mon, 17 Sep 2018 13:00:41 +0000
So much drama! Party members stealing from each other, punching each other, charming each other, jumping out of windows... Will we be able to save Nat, or even Nick? I think the real question is whether we will ever forgive Eric for doing this to us. Music by AbBowie Cross.
Mon, 10 Sep 2018 17:00:06 +0000
So what in all the hells in all the realms are we going to do with this dragon skull? We might have remembered a vaguely dragon-ish thing that we encountered far back, but will we be able to lug this thing all the way there? This is the most important thing we have to think about right now, right? Ohhhhh yeah and is Nick going to live? Music by AbBowie Cross.
86: I'll Permit Steed to Stink
Mon, 03 Sep 2018 21:52:50 +0000
In typical Pork Fried Dice fashion, we're still in the same location we've been in for the past few sessions. Where are we this time? The werewolf cave. Granted, we've encountered a drunk werewolf who we had to dispatch, and there were gross flesh curtains nobody wanted to touch, and a mound of cursed treasure we had to puzzle over, and a cave that gave us weird feelings, and the Swirly Man showed up to tempt Will with a hundred things (even though a hot bath would have sufficed)... but we've got to figure out where to bring this dragon skull! Maybe a stop at a mysterious tower will help. Music by AbBowie Cross.
85: The Horrible Smells of Will's Imagination
Tue, 28 Aug 2018 00:33:23 +0000
Will's patron, the ever-despicable (or is it lovable?) Swirly Man, has made his presence known in this godforsaken werewolf cave. Will has annoyedly shouted out "MOM!" at the top of his lungs, seemingly unprovoked. What will Batthwack think? And what are we going to do about this treasure of bone situation? Will Raphina join in the game of severed head ping pong at long last? Music by AbBowie Cross.
84: I Thought There Was Gonna Be a Gold-Plated Toilet
Mon, 20 Aug 2018 15:19:33 +0000
We're in a werewolf cave with a drunk werewolf and a cursed treasure. Will we be able to tell Lank before he touches it? When will we kill this werewolf jerk? Just what is the deal with this cave, and why did Lank feel weird when he began to approach the statue of Mother Night? What's the dragon skull all about? And perhaps most importantly, will Batthwack and Will write another theme song? #bestfriendsforever #fightingwerewolvestogether Music by AbBowie Cross.
83: Can We Stop Saying the Words "Flesh Curtain?"
Mon, 13 Aug 2018 15:12:26 +0000
So we're all in a cave shaped like a wolf's mouth. That's not foreboding. Not foreboding at all. Plus, we've discovered a hairy guy lying amongst wine bottles and bones, with blood all over his mouth. But wait, that's just WINE on his mouth, right guys? Or, like, raspberry jam? GUYS? Music by AbBowie Cross.
Mon, 06 Aug 2018 22:38:59 +0000
Is there a way to rescue Pantsless Nat without getting mauled by werewolves? We'll soon find out. If he's wearing pants, we're all totally fucked - you know we won't be remembering his actual name when we meet him. If he's not already eaten by that point. Maybe we should have thrown that imaginary bomb into the cave! #heroes Music by AbBowie Cross.
81: We Don't Have A Lot Of Repeat Customers
Mon, 23 Jul 2018 19:47:40 +0000
In our last episode, we beat Strahd-- HAHAHAHA, oh, that was a good one. He kicked our asses, as usual. And then the woman we've been trying to protect/use as a pawn in the game of Who Rules Barovia (depending on who we're talking about here), Ireena, walked into a lake and didn't come back out. So now what?
Sun, 15 Jul 2018 17:03:14 +0000
We're collecting so many fun things! Silver weapons, magic rings, holy symbols, and a whole lady who will fight Strahd with us! But now that we're finally leaving this weird abbey full of mongrelfolk, Ireena is getting distracted by some kind of watery hand in a lake. Doesn't sound like good news to us, especially now that Strahd has shown up... Music by AbBowie Cross.
Sun, 08 Jul 2018 17:18:37 +0000
Watch out, werewolves - we've got silver weapons now! But we haven't found Rudolph's mentee yet. Or have we? There's a mysterious woman holding a knife to Will's throat at this very moment. And, I mean, come on. It's D&D. How many characters can there even BE? And with whimsical accents, no less?
78: With Great Crossbow Comes Hot Pink Ink
Mon, 02 Jul 2018 18:26:24 +0000
Now that we've lost half of our fanbase because we are utterly ridiculous, it's time to find out whether we can obtain these silvery weapons! Plus, where is this mysterious woman who is staying in the abbey, and is she Rudolph van Rictavio van Richtenwhatever's protege? Music by AbBowie Cross.
77: The Last Episode (Of Leave It To Beaver)
Mon, 25 Jun 2018 15:36:11 +0000
Batthwack has successfully farted the shroud off of the humanoid body in the abbey, to reveal...? You get to find out today! Plus, you'll find out if we find any silver weapons, or Rictavio's mysterious mentee. We're always super efficient, so you know all answers will be revealed in a timely manne---HAHAHAHA I'm sorry, I couldn't even finish that sentence. Music by AbBowie Cross.
Mon, 18 Jun 2018 17:48:51 +0000
Well it's a good thing that mysterious golden angel abbot guy didn't try to kill us, because we'd definitely be dead. Instead, he gave us presents! Abilities and insight galore, plus a brand new familiar kitty for Raphina! We still don't have any silver weapons, though. Let's go try to find some. Music by AbBowie Cross.
75: This Corruption, It Affects Pronouns
Mon, 11 Jun 2018 12:29:58 +0000
We're all dining with the abbot, and he seems a little too excited about Ireena. Plus, we're still finding more of these freaky mongrelfolk. If we just politely excuse ourselves and leave the table, we'll be able to leave without a fight. Right? That's how things always go in Barovia. Music by AbBowie Cross.
74: Stitching a Rabbit to a Turnip
Sun, 03 Jun 2018 16:15:04 +0000
The flesh golem is dead, lying in a heap of body parts. Mongrelfolk are everywhere, but they don't seem to be bothering us too much besides utterly creeping us out. And now we're finally meeting the abbot, and he's ladling out something tasty for lunch. Will it be beet soup? Did you read the title already? SPOILERS! Music by AbBowie Cross.
73: It's Either a Spell or an Auction House
Sun, 27 May 2018 18:34:18 +0000
While Raphina, Nick, Lank and Batthwack investigate the poopy-smelling hallway and battle for their lives against a flesh golem with a fear of bananas, Will is attempting to get the attention of the abbot. Meanwhile, these freaky mongrelfolk are up to all kinds of fun activities all around us - screaming, laughing, brawling, chanting, building forts and makin' babies. Oh, and Lank saw a mysterious eye staring at him through a mirror. TL:DR, just another weird-as-shit day in Barovia. Music by AbBowie Cross!
Mon, 21 May 2018 14:12:13 +0000
We've defeated the guardians in the garden, but now there's a hall that smells like poop with what appears to be a giant hulk who wants to give Batthwack a high five (?). Will insists we should go around front to see if we can find the abbot, but everyone else seems to want to sneak through this stanky hallway. This can only go really, really well. The giant hulkmonster DEFINITELY wants to give us high fives and not pummel our heads into the ground. Totally. Legit. Music by AbBowie Cross.
Sun, 13 May 2018 19:01:02 +0000
We're once again in a battle for our lives. Batthwack is killing bad guys and gettin' mounted. Raphina is swinging a firey sword around, missing everything. Lank is bein' short and taking names. Will is probably crouching somewhere far away, hurling fire from behind a building (or just hiding). It's a good thing our DM is of the kind variety. Let's kill these weird zombie things that were guarding the special fire sword and find out what the hell is happening in this weird-ass abbey. Music by AbBowie Cross and Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) (Juniper).
70: I'm Lookin' To Get Mounted
Mon, 07 May 2018 04:51:03 +0000
Guys, we've scored some awesome loot - a ring from a dead saint, and a crazy light-up sun sword from a scarecrow! But we still want those delicious silver weapons, and we've also got a mentee to find. So let's hope we can make quick work of these zombie-whatevers so we can get back to the other 40,000 goals we still have yet to do. Oh wait, Batthwack and Will are having their own little tiff on the side? Morninglord save us all. Music by AbBowie Cross.
Mon, 30 Apr 2018 15:33:52 +0000
Is the party just so unlucky that they encounter dead kids wherever they go? Or maybe it's more sinster than that - maybe they CAUSE THE DEATH OF KIDS. Or maybe Eric is just evil. Regardless, the Krezk burgomaster's dead son adds another to the tally! Next, they'll be headed to the abbey that nobody visits because they're deathly afraid - right after a good night's sleep. Or in Will's case, a good night's sitting bolt upright at the kitchen table because Batthwack won't stop staring at him. Music by AbBowie Cross.
Tue, 24 Apr 2018 00:11:42 +0000
We've killed a small pack of werewolves! And we took the time to figure out some things about the weird crap we stole from the burgomaster of Vallaki's attic. So now we're on our way to Krezk. An ominous bell tolls. Hopefully it sounds better in person than Eric described before. Donk, donk, donk. Music by AbBowie Cross.
67: You Can Smell As Many Holes As You Want
Mon, 16 Apr 2018 00:10:16 +0000
We're still fighting these dang werewolves. Plus, we're still confused by what time of year it is. Is it Christmas? St. Patrick's Day? Easter? NEXT Christmas? This battle is lasting through multiple holidays. We really need some silver weapons! This episode brought to you by Teen Wolf Three! Music by Purple Planet (http://www.purple-planet.com) and AbBowie Cross.
66: When I Wake Up, I'd Like to be Intact
Mon, 09 Apr 2018 00:06:21 +0000
Last time, we fought a bunch of kneepad- and jeans-wearing werewolves. In the midst of the fight, the Swirly Man appeared and gave Will a new familiar - his sister Madelyn. Not only that, but Raphina immediately knew who she was and her history with Will. Oh no, Will's worst nightmare - someone knowing any actual fact about him or his life! Whatever will he do?! Music by Ab-bowie Cross
Mon, 02 Apr 2018 04:23:21 +0000
Last week, we threw a bunch of dead dogs at outhouses in our attempt to cover up all of the murder that had happened in the burgomaster of Vallaki's home. Then we began the journey towards Krezk to find Nat, a child from Vallaki who had been kidnapped by werewolves. Whether or not he has pants on, we're not sure. However, we're about to get ambushed by some fake peddlers or something. Nat can wait for now.
64: Outhouse Being Hit By Dead Dog
Sun, 25 Mar 2018 23:58:43 +0000
Last week, Will was put on trial. And then everyone went to bed. Well, presumably. Everyone PRESUMABLY went to bed. Music by Ab-Bowie Cross.
Sun, 18 Mar 2018 22:57:10 +0000
In our last episode, we were in the comfort of the burgomaster of Vallaki's mansion (which now belongs to Will, right? Because that's how real estate works). We found out that the club Blinsky had been using was actually Lank's, and had caused him to become... possessed? Perhaps? Then Batthwack had asked Will if Will's vision had truly been from the Morninglord, or if it might have been from someone else. Is shit about to get real? We had only begun to find out what's actually going on. Let's continue the conversation, shall we? Music by AbBowie Cross and Purple Planet (http://www.purple-planet.com).
62: Assistant to the Regional Mayor
Sun, 11 Mar 2018 16:40:38 +0000
So much of Vallaki is currently on fire, it's ridiculous. But on the plus side, we've rescued people, cats, and money - we're such good little heroes! Last time, Batthwack took out a Izek with minimum effort, and then Ireena kind of flipped out the teensiest bit, setting us all on fire. Afterwards, we scavenged Lady Wachter's house, and Will made a rambling speech trying to either bolster or perhaps confuse the townsfolk. He definitely achieved the latter. Finally, we were approached by an old man asking us to save his grandson who had been kidnapped by big hairy dudes. Really? Haven't we gone through enough? Now we've got this shit to contend with? Maybe we can just sit here in Vallaki, forever, as it burns down around us. That might be better. Music by AbBowie Cross
Mon, 26 Feb 2018 05:00:42 +0000
In our previous episode, Ireena and Izek were meeting for the not-first time. Surprise! The group tried to determine whether it was safe to allow Izek to go free, even though he seemed weirdly obsessed with our friend Ireena. We might have come to the wrong decision. Initiative had to be rolled, so we know some shit's about to go down. This episode brought to you by Barovian Family Tree Geneology Services! Music by AbBowie Cross and Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/
60: ...And We're All Tied To The Bear
Sun, 18 Feb 2018 16:30:11 +0000
Last week, the party finally met Mr. Wachter, Raphina went on an epic journey for her new...cat..., Blinsky was knocked out cold, long-lost siblings were reunited, and Batthwack definitely retrieved his javelin. Will he retrieve any more javelins this week? Let's find out, shall we? Music by AbBowie Cross
Sun, 11 Feb 2018 05:11:20 +0000
Last episode, the party made their way into the cellar of the late Lady Wachter's home in search of Ireena and her supposed captor, Gadof Blinsky. After dustily dispatching a group of skeletons, Izek rejoined the gang, and he took Raphina and Will on a tour of the parts of the house they had missed. The rest investigated a secret door that hid a group of cultists, Ireena, and Blinsky, and Will and Raphina opened a bedroom door! What will happen this week? What's up with the weird lady in there? Will they find the dead guy Izek was talking about? All your questions and more will be answered, if only you will listen. Enjoy! Music by AbBowie Cross and Purple Planet (www.purple-planet.com).
Sun, 04 Feb 2018 19:10:43 +0000
The party put on their firefighter hats last week as the conflagration at the Blue Water Inn had spread to many of the neighboring buildings. Raphina's magically conjured water helped to get things under control, and so they headed off in search of Ireena's abductor and ended up at Lady Fiona Wachter's house. After some coercion, the house cook led them to the cellar door. What eldritch horrors lie beneath the earth? Join the gang as they descend into the darkness. Music by AbBowie Cross and Purple Planet (www.purple-planet.com).
Mon, 29 Jan 2018 04:28:43 +0000
Last week, Batthwack started by decimating Lady Fiona Wachter, and then Izek stepped in and eliminated most of the rest of her cultists, all in the midst of a fabulous discoteque courtesy of Raphina. We last saw Izek heading out of the room with the last remaining cultist, but after checking on him a few minutes later, all that remained was a large amount of blood, most of it pooling in the hallway outside, with the rest of it trailing away towards the back of the house. Did the cultist overpower and murder Izek? Did someone spill a pot of blood destined to become a delicious blood pudding? Or is the blood actually partially set black cherry Jell-O? Take a listen and find out! Music by AbBowie Cross and http://www.purple-planet.com.
Mon, 22 Jan 2018 04:17:52 +0000
Last time, our party got real with both Izek Strazni and Lady Fiona Wachter. After a lot of talking, initiative was eventually rolled, and fisticuffs undoubtedly ensued. But who cares about all of that - what the hell happened at the Blue Water Inn?? Link to the image we mention in this week's episode: https://www.flickr.com/photos/porkfrieddice/38930310295/in/datetaken-public/ Music by AbBowie Cross and Purple Planet (http://www.purple-planet.com).
55: Turn Left at the Short Sword
Mon, 15 Jan 2018 04:42:14 +0000
Last week, the rest of the party watched on in a combination of admiration and terror as Will trotted out his Baron Vallakovitch impression for the first time publicly. After confronting the as-yet unidentified woman addressing the crowd outside, it was revealed that Izek may have been part of a plot to kill the mayor. Will introduced the rest of the group as his "secret guards", and they were able to convince/coerce the mystery woman to continue their conversation/confrontation inside. What will happen in the bowels of the burgomaster's mansion? Can Will keep up his ruse? Will Izek be condemned or vindicated? Will Batthwack stay hidden behind another set of doors the whole time? Let's find out! Music by AbBowie Cross and Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com).
Sun, 07 Jan 2018 17:44:56 +0000
Last time, Lank wandered the streets of Vallaki (and attacked certain demon-armed weirdos) without being able to control himself. WTF is up with that? Then Will and Batthwack discussed a plan to figure out who killed the mayor. If Will can fool everyone by pretending to be the mayor, and someone is surprised that the mayor is still alive, we'll easily figure out who was involved in the murder. But then Galdar, of all people, already knew that the mayor was dead. WTF is up with THAT? Music by AbBowie Cross and Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com).
Sun, 31 Dec 2017 22:34:33 +0000
The baron of Vallaki and his wife have been assassinated. Will is staying in the baron's house to assume the role of the baron in order to figure out who the murderer is. Batthwack's staying with him as protection. We've found an awkward wizard in the attic. Raphina, Nick and Lank escorted him to the Blue Water Inn on the premise of beginning an adventure to the Amber Temple. Oh yeah, and there's a gross, demon-black tiny baby arm growing out of Ireena's stump. Oh well, an adventurer's gotta get that long rest, amiright?
52: A Holy-Holly-Jolly Pork Fried Dice Special
Sun, 24 Dec 2017 19:14:14 +0000
This is a tale out of time and space, but it sure smells minty. Happy holidays to all of our listeners! Music by AbBowie Cross!
Sun, 17 Dec 2017 16:28:00 +0000
Last week, we discovered that the burgomaster had some real, live skeleton cats living in his house, along with a real, live wizard! What is this guy's deal? Why does he hate his dad so much? The wizard claims that all is NOT well in Vallaki, which is obvious, but we're not entirely sure all is well in his weird, secret attic room, either. Music by AbBowie Cross and Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com).
Sun, 10 Dec 2017 20:26:15 +0000
Last week, we spent a lot of time making horrible discoveries, investigating rooms, moving bodies, yelling at each other, rendering privies unusable, and yelling at each other more. Then we found a room full of still ghosts. Oh wait, that was important, right? Madame Eva save us all. Will we figure this shit out? Do any of our listeners still have hope that we're not totally incompetent? Tune in this week and find out what dwells in the attic! Music by AbBowie Cross and Purple Planet (http://www.purple-planet.com).
49: Do You Guys Just Wanna Play Monopoly Instead?
Mon, 04 Dec 2017 02:47:07 +0000
The Burgomaster's Mansion. A house of death. And murder. And dead people. And murdered people. Did this somehow turn into a game of Clue? Is Batthwack really Mrs. Peacock? How long before one of the party finds a wrench or a lead pipe? Music by AbBowie Cross and by audionautix.com.
48: I've Been Known To Stealth About
Mon, 27 Nov 2017 03:45:44 +0000
Last week, we tried to figure out if the Baroness was trustworthy enough to commit murder for. Will certainly seemed to think so. But will they go through with it? Or will Raphina be successful in convincing the group that we shouldn't kill the baron? We all know what happened at the windmill. We're really good at listening to reason. On a side note, support small businesses! We haven't been paid any money to promote the people we've mentioned so far in our podcast, so consider our support of the small businesses we mention as our very own personal recommendations! www.yummypancake.com Music by AbBowie Cross.
47: We No Kill (Except By Accident)
Sun, 19 Nov 2017 15:25:52 +0000
Last week, we sat down to sup with the baron of Vallaki, where we partook of a huge traditional Barovian meal and were offered new jobs in the town guard. A mysterious note begging for help was surreptitiously dropped in Lank's lap - so what are we going to do about it? Music by AbBowie Cross and Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/
Mon, 13 Nov 2017 00:20:12 +0000
After grilling Rictavio for information on hunting vampires, delving too deeply into the personal lives of wereravens, and hunting through Vallaki in vain for a Blinsky that was uncharacteristically grumpy towards Will, the party decided to accept the Baron's dinner invitation. At the dinner table, a certain dish was *almost* revealed... what is it?! Are you some kind of foodie? Then join us to find out if we will ever eat anything other than beets in Barovia. Oh, and to see if we suddenly, inexplicably defeat Strahd. (Hint: We totally don't.) Music by Ab-Bowie Cross and Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/.
Sun, 05 Nov 2017 16:33:23 +0000
Last time, the group headed back to Vallaki to bury one of the Martikovs and then did a few things on their own. As Will got a shave and a haircut (two bits!), a comb (it's not just a stick!), and some information about what had been happening while the party was at the Wizard of Wines, the rest of the party discovered they had been invited to a dinner with the burgomaster. Then Will paid a visit to Blinsky and found that the toymaker was having some sort of stupid problem that they'll probably have to fix - other than the problems the guy already has. Man, so many threads! Where are we going next? Music by Ab-Bowie Cross and Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) (Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/).
44: Have You No Respect For The Dead?
Sun, 29 Oct 2017 15:44:03 +0000
Last time, we encountered Strahd von Zarovich and he was, as usual, a giant pot of stewed asshole. After surviving the encounter and attempting to make Yester Hill a more peaceful place by ridding it of an evil tree, we set off back to Vallaki with a few of Martikovs. Let's see if we can give poor Adrian the respectful sendoff he deserves. Music by AbBowie Cross and and Anttu Janhunen (@anttu-janhunen).
Sun, 22 Oct 2017 14:21:13 +0000
After we survived the battle of Yester Hill, the giant jerkwad known as Strahd von Zarovich showed up and called us his friends. Join us as we find out how this conversation goes. Hint: We're not his friends. Music by AbBowie Cross and http://audionautix.com/.
42: Simulacrum, Simulacrum, Simulacrum, Simulacrum
Mon, 16 Oct 2017 03:08:59 +0000
'TIS THE BATTLE OF YESTER HILL! An extra long episode for all of you, full of battle-y goodness. Music by AbBowie Cross.
Sun, 08 Oct 2017 16:24:55 +0000
Last time, we discovered another reason why there seems to be such a limited amount of fun in Barovia. Without a steady supply of wine, even a non-cursed country would get pretty dreary. So we've got to help the Martikovs! Will we find anything out as Will and Bernard fly over Yester Hill to do a little scouting in anticipation of a battle with the evil druids? Music by Raphina Phalangepot and audionautix.com.
40: Authentic Barovian Gibberish
Sun, 01 Oct 2017 15:10:33 +0000
Last time, we found Strahd's secret vampire diary and read it aloud, like we didn't know what a damn diary was. RUDE! Now that we've cleared the winery, what next? And why are the vineyards in such crappy shape? Music by Ab-Bowie Cross and audionautix.com.
Sun, 24 Sep 2017 17:16:04 +0000
We're going on a druid hunt! At the end of our last session, we were about to be subdued by Tangly Walks (or, you know, the Entangle spell, if you're at all capable of remembering what the actual spell names are). Let's find out if our heroes will kick these druids asses! And more importantly, let's see if they find what Madame Eva sent them to the winery for in the first place. Music by Ab-Bowie Cross and http://www.bensound.com/royalty-free-music
Sun, 17 Sep 2017 18:18:17 +0000
Last time, we continued to explore the Wizard of Wines, finding random piles of twigs everywhere and encountering some creepy, bloody-faced Druids along the way. Finally, a behorned, animal-skin-clad woman got effed up by one of Batthwack's javelins and fell into a vat of wine in the fermentation room. Noooo! Save the wine! ... or will we just put a lid on it and hope for the best? Anyone up for some Druid-flavored wine? Music by audionautix.com and Abby Cross.
37: You Could Bounce Keys Off That Ass
Sun, 10 Sep 2017 04:53:26 +0000
Last time, we met Irwin's grumpy dad and the rest of his winemaking family in the woods outside the Wizard of Wines. We agreed to help them get rid of a bunch of jerk druids that had overtaken the winery. Little did we know that a bunch of twigs were going to attack us. TWIGS. Isn't anything safe in Barovia? We have to be scared of twigs now? ... now that we're inside the winery, will we be able to save the wine? Or will the twigs make tea out of US?
36: Are We Sure We Want Nick To Be Able To Do That?
Sun, 03 Sep 2017 17:38:22 +0000
Relieved of our Gorin-barrel, we make our way to the vineyard, where we almost certainly won't completely destroy all of the wine in Barovia while we try to help Irwin's rain-soaked family. Music by audionautix.com and Ab-Bowie Cross.
35: Our Prayers Are Like Mad Libs
Sun, 27 Aug 2017 05:18:12 +0000
Last time, we rid ourselves of the legendary Rictavio-or-whatever-his-name-is and set off to speak to the priest at the Church of the Morning Lord. We beat around the bush for a while, as usual. Will he get so irritated that he kills us all? He's a holy man, but still merely a man, and a man can only take so much. Music by audionautix.com and Ab-Bowie Cross.
Sun, 20 Aug 2017 14:32:38 +0000
After dropping off the coffin maker with the proper authorities and having a weird, perhaps pointless conversation with Rudolph van Richten, our adventurers decided to go help the winemakers. But do we ever help anyone? Maybe someone should ask Ol' One-Arm-Ireena. In any case, let's find out what happens when we try to "help" the owners of the Wizard of Wines. Music by audionautix.com and Ab-Bowie Cross.
33: It's Not Even On Google Maps Yet
Sun, 13 Aug 2017 15:27:05 +0000
Last week, we decided that we had to take the coffin maker to the proper authorities. Let's see how that goes. Oh, and we met a man who claimed to be a famed vampire hunter. Will we treat him with the respect he deserves? Is that really even a question?
Sun, 30 Jul 2017 23:17:17 +0000
Last time, we destroyed a whole nest of vampires hiding in the coffin maker's shop. Suddenly, a self-proclaimed vampire hunter made himself known to us. Nice of him to show up NOW. What kind of vampire hunter is he, anyway? Will we find out? Or will we be as rude to him as we are to basically everyone else? Music by Abby Cross and Purple Planet: http://www.purple-planet.com.
31: The Sneakers of Seeing Ahead
Sun, 23 Jul 2017 16:19:07 +0000
After a thoroughly entertaining and distracting performance in the town square, our heroes headed to the coffin maker's shop, wherein they were surprised by a less than pleasant kind of jack in the box. Will they just stuff them back in their crates? Let's find out together, shall we? Ben TISSOT (www.bensound.com), and Anttu Janhunen (@anttu-janhunen).
Sun, 16 Jul 2017 17:07:36 +0000
We're trying to make our way to the coffin maker's shop, but who knows if we'll ever get there? We seem to get distracted a lot. In this case, we see a kerfuffle in the town square and go to investigate! ... Or help! In all likelihood, we'll just burn the place down, but here's hoping we don't kill EVERY innocent civilian we see. Music by Abby Cross and the awesome Purple Planet music! http://www.purple-planet.com
Sun, 09 Jul 2017 18:45:18 +0000
Last time, we spent a great long time at a church, interrogating small children and tackling older ones. Better watch out, young people of Vallaki. We're apparently coming for all of you. But now that we may know where the sacred bones of St. Andral are, what are we going to do about it? Will we even make it that far? Music by Abby Cross and BenSound (http://www.bensound.com/).
Sun, 02 Jul 2017 15:04:51 +0000
So we've all received visions of glory, kindness, good, and evil - some of us from the Morning Lord, and one of us from the Swirly Man. We shall now proceed through the world with greater enlightenment! HahahahahahahahahahaaaaAAAHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, that's such a funny joke that I just made right there. Whew. Up next, we bumble around some more! Music by Ab-Bowie Cross.
Sun, 25 Jun 2017 16:45:43 +0000
We're off to find a job for Ireena! Or at least we've got to get rid of her, somehow. The church is the thing! And nothing weird or bad or mystical or creepy or magical or scary or fantastical has ever happened at a church, right? We're totally safe. Today will be a normal day. Music by Abby Cross and Steel Drum Island (https://store.cdbaby.com/cd/carnivalsteeldrumband)
26: Deer Eggs and a Bowl of Tabasco Sauce
Sun, 18 Jun 2017 22:22:33 +0000
The Blue Water Inn continues to serve up stellar food as our heroes decide what they are going to do next. And who the heck is this colorfully dressed character? How dare he not dress like he is majorly oppressed - i.e. in the Barovian uniform? Music by the bodacious Abby Cross and BenSound (http://www.bensound.com/).
25: Eat Your Beets and Leave Me Alone
Sun, 11 Jun 2017 15:06:46 +0000
An episode for the gourmand in all of us. It's time to get introduced to some of the delicacies to be had in the town of Vallaki. Prepare your ear buds AND your taste buds! Music by Abby Cross and by audionautix.com
24: What Is the Airspeed Velocity of a Barrel-Laden Raven?
Sun, 04 Jun 2017 20:48:28 +0000
Will the mysterious ring of stones defeat the party? Will Bernard get addicted to human flesh? Will our adventurers EVER get to Vallaki? Listen in this week as we seek out answers to these eternal questions! Music by Ab-Bowie Cross
23: Ireena, Can You Give Us a Hand?
Sun, 28 May 2017 17:27:09 +0000
We're finally free of... whatever those creatures in the windmill were. "Ladies?" Riiight. Now witness what the group decides to do in the aftermath of getting beat up by these child-pie-selling abominations. Music by Ab-Bowie Cross and BenSound (http://www.bensound.com/royalty-free-music)
22: Aren't We a Little Old to Be Put in Child Pies?
Sun, 21 May 2017 18:54:54 +0000
Last week, we were still locked in battle within the decrepit old windmill outside of Vallaki. Will we survive? Possibly. Is our DM lawful evil? Probably. Should we have listened to Raphina? Absolutely. Music by Abby Cross and Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com, licensed under creative commons).
Sun, 14 May 2017 20:36:59 +0000
The title of this episode is a question. And the answer to that question is, "Yes." At least, that's what it feels like as Will, Raphina, Batthwack, Lank and Nick all attempt to fight the evil creatures in the windmill. The DM has forsaken us! Music by Ab-Bowie Cross.
Sun, 07 May 2017 19:53:43 +0000
The windmill looms large over the party of adventures. What lurks inside? An old lady? Doomed kids? Yummy pastries? Don Quixote? Let's find out together, shall we? Music by Abigail Cross and by audionautix.com.
Mon, 01 May 2017 03:39:55 +0000
Our fortunes have been told, and we have more party members. Things are looking up! But let's not get ahead of ourselves. Can we actually survive a night camping outside? In the WOODS? With bugs and owls and other weird nature things? Music by Abigail Cross and Matt Campbell (https://freesound.org/people/notembug/).
Mon, 24 Apr 2017 01:27:20 +0000
Who is this Madame Eva, and what does she have in store for the group? And will Gorin pee in her tent? Let's find out! Music by Ab-Bowie Cross and Ben Tissot (http://www.bensound.com/)
Mon, 17 Apr 2017 04:24:53 +0000
In our last episode, we investigated an empty house, and then brutally killed an innocent civilian in the street. "Hey, he was cutting in line and trying to take more than one Dream Pastry!" Shut up, Will! Justice will prevail! ... or will it? Music by Emily Rocheleau and Ben Tissot (www.bensound.com)
16: How's the Sentence Happening?
Mon, 10 Apr 2017 00:13:23 +0000
After letting the vampire spawn Doru escape, very likely endangering the lives of countless Barovians, the party has to decide how to spend the day in this bleak village. What they come up with is...well, you'll see. Music by Emily Rocheleau
15: The Truth of His Salvation
Sun, 02 Apr 2017 23:06:41 +0000
Please forgive the audio issues that start up about 30-40 minutes into this one as the party gets to the church, meets its steward, and learns about his...baggage. Music by Emily Rocheleau and Ben Tissot (www.bensound.com)
Sun, 26 Mar 2017 23:07:21 +0000
Last week, Will had a weird/awkward/horrible nighttime visitation, and then we left Gorin staring into the face of Death. Will Will make out with Death? God, we hope not. Music by Emily Rocheleau and Ben Tissot (http://www.bensound.com/).
13: My Necro-Sense is Tingling
Sun, 19 Mar 2017 19:49:52 +0000
It's the middle of the night, but you're in luck! You've been invited to a sleepover at a creepy old mansion that looks like it's seen much better days. Pillow fight, anyone? Music by Emily Rocheleau and Anttu Janhunen (https://soundcloud.com/anttu-janhunen).
12: GILFs, Get Your Tongues Ready!
Mon, 13 Mar 2017 02:07:26 +0000
Last week, we met some new friends, and a brand spanking new enemy! After Attack of the Guano, we stood around and talked for a while. Will we do anything interesting this time? A tavern is involved, so probably. Music by Emily Rocheleau and Adam Monroe/Adam Kopcinski.
11: New Friends, or BIFF! SPLAT! GUANO!
Mon, 06 Mar 2017 01:08:49 +0000
The walls have come crumbling down, so what happens to our intrepid adventures next? They'll probably just head on home, right? ... right? I'm so scared.
Mon, 27 Feb 2017 00:46:17 +0000
Man, there were a ton of ghosts in this weird damp cult room, and we just totally took that altar down! Sure, the gross pile of gross started to move, but everything is fine...right? Music: http://www.bensound.com/royalty-free-music, and Emily Rocheleau
9: People Hang Out With Monsters?
Sun, 19 Feb 2017 14:31:32 +0000
Oh dear, what eldritch horrors will the party run into this week? Ominous chanting? An unbelievably heavy portcullis? TCHOTCHKES?! Listen in and find out!
Sun, 12 Feb 2017 19:13:02 +0000
Wait, what? ANOTHER blast from the past? A "past blast" if you will? Yep! Get ready for the mists to roll over you once more this week. Music by Emily Rocheleau and Ben TISSOT (http://www.bensound.com)
Mon, 06 Feb 2017 03:24:43 +0000
Get ready for a blast from the past this week! Not your own past, but the pasts of some of our characters. Enjoy! Music by Emily Rocheleau.
6: Sacred Flaming is Exhausting
Mon, 06 Feb 2017 01:11:58 +0000
Welcome to another episode of Pork Fried Dice. Last week we ended with a party member in serious trouble with some inky black ghosts (Thanks, Will!) - let's listen to find out what happens! Music by Emily Rocheleau and Ben TISSOT (http://www.bensound.com)
5: Nobody Hits Ghostie in the Corner!
Mon, 30 Jan 2017 02:13:31 +0000
Last week, our adventurers made their way below the Durst house in search of a way to put Rose and Thorn to rest. What will they encounter this week? Music by Emily Rocheleau and Ben TISSOT (http://www.bensound.com)
4: Close Encounters of the Durst Kind
Mon, 23 Jan 2017 01:21:44 +0000
Here's the next installment of our adventures - we've begun to explore the creepy house at the end of the street, and Will and Lamora went through...some stuff. Let's see what happens next! Music by Emily Rocheleau and Ben TISSOT (http://www.bensound.com)
Mon, 16 Jan 2017 02:51:41 +0000
In our last episode, Will, Lamora, Nick and Mydhryn came to the creepy town of Barovia and met two small children in the middle of a misty street. The children implored the party to save their baby brother from a monster who has taken over their house. As the group explored the seemingly deserted house, they awaked an animated suit of armor and battle ensued. Music by Emily Rocheleau, Ben TISSOT (http://www.bensound.com), and Anttu Janhunen (https://soundcloud.com/anttu-janhunen).
Sat, 07 Jan 2017 00:00:00 +0000
In our first episode, we met Nick, Lamora, and Will, who were each pulled from their normal lives and routines into a mysterious, misty forest. As these strangers met, another man named Mydhryn also appeared. The group decided to venture down the road to see what they can find. Music by Emily Rocheleau.
1: This is Nowhere Near the Staggering Unicorn
Sun, 01 Jan 2017 14:14:20 +0000
The inaugural episode of Pork Fried Dice! Get ready for some sweet carriage action! Music by Ben TISSOT (http://www.bensound.com/) and Emily Rocheleau.