Cell U.R. - A Sci-fi Musical Comedy Radiodrama audiobook of Vampires and Human Cellphones
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Creator: Mark Plimsoll
Synopsis:
Vampires dance with Goths around campfires far from the rainy Metroplex- as the Central Computer says in Cell U.R. "Most entertainment consists of beautiful people on sexy adventures without kids, because real life is the opposite." Imagine a near future, when nanotechnology allows doctors to install speakerphones on the inside of everyone's ears, a microphone in their throat, and scanners that record through the eyes. All citizens enjoy a permanent connection to the internet. One human cellphone loves two women; the tattoo artist, belly-dancing Gypsy fortune teller Vampire Elvirus, and a SuperUser's abandoned, beautiful, Wiccan, earth-mother, equestrian daughter named Louise. In this multi-media comedic satire of everything you love about B Movies and black-and-white thinking, Mark Plimsoll presents adult themes with elegance and style, buried in slang or scientific jargon, in a way almost suitable for all children of most ages, even those who can vote. Cell UR allows us to exercise our intelligence and imagination with a story "low on violence and saturated fact." Sometimes songs propel the plot; Borderline, Wiccan Moon, Imagine a Future, Santa's Lapp Dance, In Trouble, Meet Yer Expectations, Kiss and Tell Eternity, Whiplash, Onda Beach, Weird Beautiful, etc. Will Gnathal receive his new Personal Customized Transporter in time to invite Vampire Elvirus to tattoo his backside on the beach as the sun sets, to realize four of his life goals, five if she's of another race? Will the Siliconoid Aliens catch the reality show Spaceship Rambler (before Andrea loses her virginity) and exact revenge on all DNA life forms? Will Maximilliano Duroc, Global President of Metroplex, declare war in language people understand? What evil lurks in the war-torn Devastate, besides genetically modified organisms and the everyday terrors of nature at night? Cell-UR describes the near-future Twenty-first century's human conditions in humorous metaphor, through the eyes of a 'normal' industrialized, connected, urban "metrosexual" adolescent coming-of-age as part of something bigger than himself, to learn that true evil …
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Episodes:
Sun, 05 Apr 2009 20:13:25 +0000
In this Earth-shaking climax, Vampire Elvirus suggests Gnathal get an education with the song "Bong Hits for Jesus." He Who Never Forgets announces peace, while his haploid daughter Louise agrees to wed confirmed-bachelor and vampire-to-be, Gnathal. He separates himself from Christopheles Rex to become a family man with one big, 'happy ever-after' kiss of passion heated by a burning secret deep inside...
Sun, 05 Apr 2009 20:00:38 +0000
The Dragoons attack, Gand nathal finds himself the central vortex of a sea of amulets in the night. The doctors aren't sure it's a baby. The Alien Spaceship enters Earth's Time-space, and Vampire Elvirus reveals her true self with timeless tales of modern, politically connected vampires that re-examine the nature of sex and masculinity in a world where technology allows human females to clone themselves to the song "Kiss and Tell Eternity."
Sun, 05 Apr 2009 19:51:20 +0000
Gnathal, along with Vampire Elvirus and her huge dog Wolfie, must try to rescue Louise from the gangbangers, the Imp Udents. Spaceship Rambler gives its final podcast to a planet that fails to respond in kind.
Sun, 05 Apr 2009 19:39:39 +0000
The Children of the Greatful Dead of Night flood the Metroplex with purple foam to hide the invasion of yellow school buses. A plague of Dragoons darkens the skies, and invading denizens of the DevaState occupy Metroplex property. Fearful Metroplexuals, unused to disconnects from the Central Server, flee into the DevaState. The perimeter of the Metroplex explodes in programmed fury against the illusion of a siege. The Imp Udents kidnap Louise.
Sun, 05 Apr 2009 19:23:46 +0000
They torture Gnathal with the song "Whiplash" to psychologically prepare him for Confession to the Warden in his Last Words, just before he serves his life sentence of Civil Death. Rescued by the over-heated Louise, he helps her father, a Super-user, initiate a top-secret terabyte transmission that gives the Metroplex a new Computroler. The State clears the thunderstorms so all can watch the warring spaceships orbit the earth, but a reflected nuclear blast destroys the Twin Bong Towers and the resultant electromagnetic surge renders all electric circuits, and thus all transponders, useless.
Sun, 05 Apr 2009 19:05:38 +0000
After the followers of Christopheles kill the imposter, Gnathal becomes Public Enemy Number One, and the gangbanger Impudents threaten to kidnap Louise. During the song "Metroplex Anthem," Gnathal gets hit by a TASESOGSV weapon and captured. He finds himself incarcerated in the Pleasure Coma, where a computer virus infects him with the song "Cell Udot Rdot."
Sun, 05 Apr 2009 18:41:20 +0000
Dizzy in his transporter driving through a night rain, Gnathal ponders his future as either Christopheles Rex the Warlock Vampire, or married to the filthy rich, well-connected Louise as her doting husband. He wakes up confirmed that his destiny awaits as Christopheles, and begins life as the uber-vampire that glimpsed God's impenetrable plan, and swore, an oaf to serve Him, by the Way of Podcasts of Truth to the world's disenfranchised.
Sun, 05 Apr 2009 18:13:35 +0000
Gnathal recognizes himself in one of Vampire Elvirus's dark Gothic animalist minimalist videos. She regains his sympathy with the song "Santa's Lapp Dance" and begins to ready him for his Vampire Awakening with tales of vampirism as a stage of life, a primal condition of the human experience, linked to Judaism, God and Angels, proto-humans, carnal fulfillment, instincts, and other non-essential parts of life.
Sun, 05 Apr 2009 17:57:21 +0000
Jilted Gnathal falls into despondence, indolence, and impotence which motivates him to join in the revelry in the Metroplex underbelly. He receives a gift of twinner Love Dolls and reconnects with Louise, so that her dad, the Super-user, can train Ganthal in the improper use of his Transponder on the eve of President Duroc's announcement of war.
Sun, 05 Apr 2009 17:43:29 +0000
A wet dream of Vampire Elvirus in the coils of a serpent deep in a a cave in the Grand Tetons inspires Gnathal to return to Walloon Pond with beer and toilet paper to confront his inner self, and self-actualize. After he returns to his seedy job in the Pornopolis, his ex-girlfriend Louise flames him with an awakening ping of seething hatred. Much later, she surprises him with a nice message about a dead rabbit, and the song "In Trouble."
Sun, 05 Apr 2009 17:31:40 +0000
Vampyric belly dances around the campfire- the adventures of a Goth foursome on a long-term camp-out in an agrarian organic commune. Song "Weird Beautiful."
Sun, 05 Apr 2009 17:04:09 +0000
Chaperoned by gender-indistinct Hedonitus back to the Metroplex, Gnathal works monitoring workers in the seedy underbelly of the Metroplex and takes weekend bike trips into DevaState in preparation to hook up with Louise on the Solstice.
Sun, 05 Apr 2009 16:49:20 +0000
Louise takes Gnathal on horseback to her father, the Super-User, to restore his Transponder functionality. Poem: Cristopheles, Songs "Viennese Vamp," "Desert Ride," and " Wiccan Moon."
Sun, 05 Apr 2009 16:34:31 +0000
A Dragoon chases Gnathal up the cliffs onto a high plateau of windswept grasses. He lives as a hermit in an encampment on the shores of an alligator infested lake until he meets the equestrian Louise, who will love the virginity out of him to the song "Meet Your Expectations."
Sun, 05 Apr 2009 16:21:14 +0000
Sheik Cano's men kidnap Gnathal and take him deep into the DevaState to sell to the Muck People, who banish him to work the mushrooms in Growhouse tunnels. President Duroc announces his Political Theory. During the mating song "Onda Beach," Gnathal escapes into the terrors of the DevaState.
Sun, 05 Apr 2009 16:04:16 +0000
In the drunk tank, Gnathal guards the lingerie-clad sleeping vampire all day. When Vampire Elvirus awakens a trifle before sunset, she uses the worst torture known to man to escape from jail. Later that week in boot camp, Gnathal, a DevaCop trainee, will sing along to the song "Border Line."
Sun, 05 Apr 2009 15:47:09 +0000
Gnathal recieves his piece of pink electronic paper that details how he loses his job, fired, and laid off, and then immediately hears the Prezident's podcast to the world as a member of the Revolutional Leaders, that the Metroplex will "Preepair faor Suicide Wah." Gnathal agrees on a date with busty Vampire Elvirus, to meet her in SpaceTime Square, New Year's Eve, for a Wilding of public innoculation to the Song "Mother's Milk."
Sun, 05 Apr 2009 15:30:09 +0000
Gnathal wants to buy Vampire Elvirus to whine and dine, but on who? Their romantic evening of food, wine, and intellectual intercourse overshadows a bed of music and poetry that includes such classics as "The Vampire's Kiss," "Cell-UR," and "Vampire's Bolero."
Sun, 05 Apr 2009 15:16:13 +0000
After Gnathal overloads on podcasts, he test-drives his new Personal Customizable Transporter and runs into Cyberspace call girl Vampire Elvirus. She hitches a ride and virtually propositions our virginal hero, but her two thugs have other, more permanent, ideas that might be harmful to others.
Sun, 05 Apr 2009 15:00:53 +0000
As he works at his Wallscreen, Gnathal listens to podcasts such as President Maximilliano Duroc's thanks for his re-election to another four years, the Spaceship Rambler reality show's virgin crew boinking and hotwiving, and a brief History of the DevaState.
Sun, 05 Apr 2009 14:38:56 +0000
Gnathal obsesses over the multi-media business card of the tattoo-artist, fortune-teller, professional escort "Vampire Elvirus" which inspires him to buy a Personal Custom Transporter.
Sun, 05 Apr 2009 14:26:29 +0000
Replaying the nano-recorded memories of his kidnapping the day before, Gnathal discovers clues. Duncan attempts to prove his lost innocence with thirty-seconds of a cheesecake-in-extremis video he claims he shot during the act of telling Gnathal both Goths and residents of the Devastate exist as "holes in the great tapestry of humanity," easy to round up as the usual suspects.
Sun, 05 Apr 2009 14:17:41 +0000
Obese urbane gameboy Gnathal, a human cell phone from the Metroplex, works an assignment in the Devastate, where two scruffy men force him into a rendezvous with Vampire Elvirus.